Now that the baby and I have made our way into the third trimester, things are starting to slow down a little. I feel exhausted to my core like I did in the first trimester, my back and hips are a little more painful than in previous weeks, and yes, the headaches. They are very much here.

They are just, seriously, not my favorite. And they aren’t really responding to tylenol anymore. They aren’t really responding to rest. They aren’t really responding to my plights to the universe to please make it stop already. I am still able to work through them (so far) and they’re still not as bad as they were pre-pregnancy, but they are a far cry from the glory of the first trimester when they were so so gentle.

They are just not gentle anymore. Sometimes they don’t start until the afternoon, other times they’re there first thing in the morning. They are present more days than they are not, which is frustrating. I doubt they’re related to pregnancy, I think I was just pampered so much earlier on that I’ve lost my ability to manage them like I used to. I’m not even sure they’re really as bad as I think them to be, my scale has just gotten so beautifully skewed towards the light side.

The other frustrating part of these headaches is that they seem to be coming with more nausea than they ever have before. It’s not gotten severe and these do not appear to be migraines (thankfully), but it’s hard enough to work through a headache, adding in constant low lying nausea is just another circle of unpleasantry that I don’t have the energy to manage. And because of course it is, the nausea medication’s major side effect is headaches.

I’m hoping that perhaps the cure for the headaches is more rest and less stress, so I’ve been trying to slow down on the weekends and starting tonight I’m making a concerted effort to get to bed earlier. I’ve been staying up until nearly 10 and getting up at 6, which is no small amount of sleep, but I can do better and even if it doesn’t help the headaches, it certainly can’t hurt the bone crushing fatigue.

Otherwise I can think of no variables to manage. I’m getting enough water, I’m eating relatively well balanced meals and even though I’m not sleeping enough, I’m sleeping pretty well most nights again (knock on wood), so I’m not really sure what else there is to do. And as much as I’m afraid they’re going to get worse throughout these remaining 12.5 weeks, I’m even more worried that I’m not realizing how much better they are now and that post-pregnancy is going to be an even rougher transition than it would be with just (ha, just) a baby.

But since I cannot control that now, I’m just going to go, get ready for bed and hope that tomorrow is a better day. Or that I can at least continue to manage in spite of the pain.

My heart is heavy tonight.

Earlier today I learned that Susan Niebur, who I had the pleasure of meeting a few years ago, passed away today after a long fight with breast cancer. She leaves behind a husband and young sons, and a collection of friends who span the globe. I did not know her well by any means, but my heart breaks for her family today as they start a new chapter of their lives.

And more personally, my friend Jackie received some very bad news today. Jackie has been fighting brain cancer for several years and the results of her scan today showed that her tumor is growing again, which means that the last treatment available is no longer working. I’m absolutely heartbroken for her, for her family and for all of us who love her. Reading her news tonight was nothing short of devastating.

I don’t really know what else there is to say. No one should ever have to face what Susan, Jackie and their families have faced and will continue to face. No one should have to be as brave as them, and somehow, they make their bravery look effortless.

Please join me in sending love to Jackie and to Susan’s family tonight. Wrap them in love and support and remind them that no matter what happens next, they will never, ever be alone.

Excuse me whilst I shed a major tear for the end of the football season. I hate knowing that there are like 6 months now, filled with sports I don’t care about, before it all begins again. Tragic, really. The Super Bowl today was kind of a boring game until the last 4 minutes of the 4th quarter when it got exciting. I’m happy for my husband since he’s a lifelong Giants fan, I’m a little sad for myself that I will have to hear more taunting about whose team has been to/won the Super Bowl more recently. He was just coming down off of his high from winning several years ago.

Don’t hate me, but I totally didn’t hate the halftime show. I mean, I didn’t love a lot of the middle of it, but Madonna was surprisingly good considering what I expected and considering the past several years’ performers.

The commercials were just…meh. I really liked the m&ms one (which I’m sure surprises no one) and found the Drew Brees one adorable, but otherwise, I was not terribly impressed.

Since I’m on a football kick, this is probably one of my favorite posts I’ve written for Babble, check it out if you have a chance: 11 Ways Pregnancy is Just Like Football…

We had brunch with my in-laws today, which was nicer than anticipated. They seem to be excited and interested in the baby, so conversations are a little easier. They do however, have a very different understanding of our finances than is realistic, so they make suggestions for purchases and I have to stifle laughter. Um, no, we cannot buy a 600 dollar chair. Not today, not next year, not for a long long time. Even if it would work perfectly. I also never want to discuss breastfeeding with my MIL ever again please.

It seems that Southern California has opted to skip winter this year. This is unfortunate since all my maternity shirts are long or 3/4 sleeved. I am hot every single day and there is really not a lot I can do about it. I looked at Target and they almost no short sleeved shirts and the ones they had were cut too low to be work appropriate. And because spring is coming all the short sleeved shirts at Gap are super expensive. I miss the cold weather and not being absurdly hot all the time.

We have had a MONSTER (clean) laundry pile on our bedroom floor for almost a month. This should bother me, it does not.

My cat’s new favorite thing ever is to go tearing up the stairs and jump right into the crib. He is also a big fan of removing all the stuffed animals we are storing in the crib from the crib so that he has a room full of toys. This adjustment is going to be rough to say the very least.

We walked through the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica which is basically a nice outdoor mall that stretches several blocks. In this area there were like 800 different street performers and truly, the only one that made me even want to consider stopping and watching was a kid, maybe 10 years old, who was doing yo-yo tricks.

I have another long week ahead, which is a bummer. Not this weekend but next weekend is a 3 day weekend and I am really, seriously looking forward to it. Especially with as quickly as today went. I feel like I got half a weekend, which is unfortunate because I really, really love weekends.

And since I have an early morning ahead, I’m going to call it a night.

Today, like each Wednesday, was a NICU day for my clinical. I can’t really explain why, but I was dreading the day. Wednesdays are just, well, they’re really long days. Half of the day is spent assessing myself to see if I’m about to pass out, and the other half is spent observing extremely sick or small infants. It’s a stressful day.

But the other reason I was dreading it, is because I didn’t want to face a reality I’ve been trying to ignore. And that reality is one I’m trying to avoid facing every other weekday too.

You see, I am just not loving this clinical.

There’s nothing wrong with the facility, the people are fantastic, the patients and families are great. I just am finding out more and more each week that this setting isn’t for me. For 3 years I’ve told everyone that when I graduate, I’m going into pediatrics. And now I’m realizing that I’m not sure if that’s at all what I want or what will happen.

And it’s just a weird thing to face each day. And I get to face it 5 times a week for the next 10.5 weeks. I just don’t love it. I don’t love the diagnoses I face, the treatments I’m creating/managing, etc.

I loved my last affiliation. It was an outpatient setting, primarily with adults, but I was fortunate enough to see many pediatric patients while there, which, incidentally, I loved. Minus a small sexual harassment issue (I was on the receiving end, not giving, just for clarification) I would happily go work there (and they pretty much offered me a job) after graduation (and baby and boards), but I feel this odd sense of…guilt.

I feel like I’ve led everyone astray somehow. Like by saying now that I don’t think I want to do pediatrics, I’m changing what everyone thinks about me. Like by saying I’d maybe rather work in an adult or adolescent setting, I’m disappointing the people who have educated me, who have supported me.

I know that isn’t necessarily the reality, but it’s the way I’ve been feeling. And so I don’t want to get up in the morning and go to clinical because it’s just a reminder of this feeling. It’s just a reminder that I’m not quite as sure of my path as I thought I was. That despite being a meager 14 weeks from graduation, I’m not sure at all what I’m going to do after that. Minus the baby part, obviously.

And just like the past few nights, I really wish tonight wouldn’t end. That tomorrow’s alarm clock won’t go off and that I can just stay in bed, at home, and bury my head in the sand.

I’m just not ready to face the uncertainty ahead.

In the past few months I have literally been happier than ever. School is going well, my marriage is going well. The baby is going fantastically well and I’m even managing some of the anxiety better. My life is freaking great. I’ve written about it a few times, I’ve shared gushing tweets and Facebook updates. I have been spilling with happy to the point where I can’t even stand myself half the time.

Which is why it’s so funny to me that today, after tweeting that I was going to die of boredom in a conference call on my lunch hour (no, this was not an exaggeration at all), I received a tweet telling me that it would be nice if my tweets had a “positive spin” to them.

And by funny, I mean, irritating. I realize that this person probably, on some level, meant well, but really, what did she think the outcome of that request was going to be?

“Oh thank you SO MUCH for the reminder to find the happy in a lunch time conference call!”

“Oh, you’re so right. I HEART CONFERENCE CALLS.”

Dude. No.

Being required to sit in on a conference call, during your lunch hour, every Monday for the next 12 weeks, sucks. It just does, especially when the topic is not one you have interest in and when you savor your lunch hour to sit and be still because you’re exhausted and it’s Monday. And moreover there’s no reason that I need to put a positive spin on that. Nor can I even think of a positive spin. Are these conferences calls the end of the world? Of course not. Should I be able to say that they’re not awesome? Yes.

The bigger issue here is one that’s been at play for several years for me and several others I know. My twitter stream is just my reality, filtered and shared. I don’t tweet about everything that happens because I don’t think you need to know that I had SpongeBob Easy Mac for lunch because my grocery store was out of regular or that I picked up a blueberry bagel to eat for breakfast tomorrow and that I’m going to toast it and put butter on it. And that I’m really excited about that. You get a filtered version of my life and thoughts rumbling around in my brain, the rest is for me to know.

My life and my thoughts are not always positive. They are not always negative. They are what they are. And to ask me to put a positive spin on them is to ask me to be stop being genuine. That’s just not who I am. I am not Suzy Sunshine when things are not going well. I’m not Debbie Downer when things are awesome. I am who I am in the moment. My tweets and blog will always reflect that and I will not ever censor the way I’m feeling for anyone else. It’s like me asking you to put a positive spin on your journal entry for the day.

I write what I feel, think and experience. And while I love having people read, if it’s too negative or positive or whiny or sarcastic for you, I invite you to click on the red circle or square at the top or the unfollow button wherever it may be. It would be ridiculous for you to make yourself unhappy by reading what I write. I am not going to change my writing for you, I don’t expect you to change the way you feel about it for me.

I am unapologetically me. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m not.

Please don’t ever ask me to be anything I’m not.

So, for starters, this is my first blog post from my new computer. My computer was dying a horrendously painful death and since we have been talking about buying me a new one for weeks, we bit the bullet and bought it today. It is really really pretty. And while I have pined after the MacBook Air for years, the Pro was the better call in terms of function and price, and so I am writing this from behind a very shiny 13 inch MacBook Pro. I love it.

The transfer has gone alarmingly smoothly except for my emails. Which did not show up. So after a bit of a communication cluster with my husband, I am now importing every email ever, instead of the ones I had on my old computer. Apparently we can fix this once they all finish importing, but it’s been an hour and I’m only up to 2008 on one account and 2009 on three others. So, that’s fun.

I also met my mom, sister and aunt today for a day of fun. We went shoe shopping (I got one pair of extremely practical, not very cute work shoes), had afternoon tea (which was insanely delicious) and then got pedicures. It was just a really lovely afternoon with the girls. Meanwhile my husband was super-husband and cleaned and organized all the things. He did mention tonight that our house would be a lot cleaner if I didn’t live here. And the sad thing is, it’s totally true. I am a slob. I am also totally at peace with this.

The baby will not kick for my mom. He is so taking after his mother.

The lady at the pedicure place mistook my sister and me for twins today. Granted, we did accidentally do our hair the exact same way (bang braid into a bun with a side part…), but we’ve almost never even been mistaken for sisters let alone twins. It was pretty funny.

My cat apparently jumped up into the lap of my husband’s friend today. And then, because he is an idiot, proceeded to hiss at our friend, but did not get off of his lap. I really do not know how he’s going to handle a baby. I have a feeling he’s going to add an extra fun layer of stress. The nursery door will be closed 100% of the time the baby is in there, for his own safety.

It was 79 degrees today. In January. I miss winter. I know others of you are living in snow and ice and stuff, but dude, I’d kill for just like mid-60s. I have no summer clothes that fit over my girth right now.

I don’t wanna get up tomorrow morning and go to clinic. I really like clinic, but the getting up part is just SO not appealing to me at all right now. Granted, my ability to sleep in is becoming more and more compromised, but this is the cat’s fault, primarily. Even still, the difference between getting up at 6:15 and getting up at 7:30 is pretty vast. At least in my mind. Which is all that matters.

Alright, I’m done for the night, I still have a little work to do for my clinical tomorrow and sleep is what I want the most, so that’s what I’m going to do now. Have a lovely week!

I don’t think I’ve ever been secretive about my love of all things sweet and this recipe is one of my all time favorites. My mom used to make it all the time when I was a kid and even now sometimes when I’m home for a weekend. It is just endlessly delicious.

I claim zero credit for this recipe though, let’s be clear. This is a lightly modified version of the classic Bisquick coffeecake that used to be on the box. Though it’s no longer on there, I was able to track it down online and boy am I ever glad I did. It’s easy to put together and even easier to eat.

Note: you can halve the recipe and make it in an 8×8 or pie pan, this recipe makes a 9×13 inch coffeecake, but I can’t estimate servings since I would eat half of it in one sitting and I’m pretty sure it serves more than 2.

Easy Streusel Coffeecake
Original recipe from: Bisquick

Ingredients
Batter:
4 cups Bisquick
1 1/3 cup milk
2 eggs
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla

Topping:
1 1/3 cup Bisquick
1 1/3 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
8 tablespoons butter

Directions
1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees, grease a 9×13 inch pan.

2. Mix all the batter ingredients together, pour into greased pan (and there will be some small lumps, that’s okay!)

3. Mix the Bisquick, brown sugar and cinnamon together.

Cut the butter into small pieces and mix in with a fork or your fingers until it’s all well blended together. I recommend fingers over forks, but that’s just me.

4. Pour streusel over the top, then use a butter knife and cut lines up and down and across to get a little of the streusel into the cake. You can skip this step, but I wouldn’t.

5. Bake at 400 for approximately 30-45 minutes, depending upon your oven. Mine cooks insanely hot, so just cook until a toothpick comes out clean, checking regularly.

6. Enjoy!

Today was not my finest day.

This morning, I got ready and stumbled downstairs at 6:45 to heat up 2 small cinnamon rolls as I have done every morning for the past several weeks. Don’t judge me. Cinnamon rolls are as close to a craving as I’ve ever had and I cannot get enough of them. I’m sure the results of Tuesday’s glucose test will make that come to a screeching halt soon enough.

Anyways, I realized as I was descending the stairs that I had never covered the cinnamon rolls I baked last night. Under normal circumstances I would not be all that worried. Maybe they’d be a little stale. But no, I live with the cat who has no self control. So all the tops of the cinnamon rolls were gone. He ate THE BEST PART OF ALL MY CINNAMON ROLLS. I may have come close to shedding a tear over this.

My favorite part of this story was that my husband didn’t even notice and ate two of them for breakfast. His only comment when I pointed out what happened was that he wondered why I had only put frosting on the sides of the rolls.

From there, I got in the car and found way more traffic than I expected and as the traffic came to a sudden stop, I watched in abject terror as the car behind me continued to speed along, unaware that I was not moving. Finally he saw and slammed on his breaks. There was NO chance he would stop in time and my only saving grace was that the car in front of me moved like 10 feet, so instead of a big accident, I moved forward as much as I could and got a friendly little love tap from the guy behind me. There are 2 very tiny circular scratches on my bumper from his license plate and I’m not pursuing it. I’m going to put way bigger scratches in my car than that, and I do not want the hassle.

Then I finally got to work, where I opened my locker door and then bent over to grab the water bottle I set on the ground. And then I stood up right into the locker door. There are almost no words to describe how surprising and painful that was.

And just when I thought the ugly part of the day was complete, I ruined my Easy Mac at lunch. Well, the water machine did it. It didn’t stop dispensing water when it was supposed to and so for lunch I had macaroni and cheese soup. It was really kind of awful.

And the worst part of the day was that though I saw my life flash before my eyes (what, I’m not dramatic at all) in my car and have a huge bruised egg sized knot on my head, I realized that I was far more upset about my cinnamon rolls and Easy Mac. The universe and my cat should both know better than to mess with a pregnant woman’s food.

Mitt Romney’s tax documents were released today and a lot of people are up in arms about it. I’ll just fill you in ahed of time about me. I’m a very liberal Democrat who fully plans to vote for Obama again this year because I like him and think that he is doing the very best job he possibly can in the situation presented to him. You are welcome to tell me why this is a bad idea, but until a Republican candidate comes along that isn’t homophobic, doesn’t tell me what to do with my uterus and doesn’t want to make this the United State of Jesus Christ, I won’t be persuaded.

Anyway, back to Mitt Romney and the outrage. I am not one of the outraged. Yes, Mitt has off shore accounts, yes he only paid 14% of his yearly income in taxes, but the fact is that it was totally legal. And I can’t blame Mitt for that.

I blame Congress.

There have been many, many attempts to change tax policies. The people have spoken, repeatedly, and they want the wealthy to be taxed more to help manage the deficit. And yet, the Republican caucus continues to block all attempts to, you know, raise revenue for our badly indebted country because they are protecting the extremely wealthy. Like Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney simply did what was legal. He paid what he was supposed to pay and he has legal bank accounts. Sure, keeping bank accounts in the Cayman Islands is totally smarmy, but we’re talking politicians here. If you’re not expecting them to do seriously smarmy things you’re kidding yourself.

Should Mitt pay more? Ethically and in terms of what’s best for the country he wants to lead, yes, absolutely. He should pay the same tax rate as his constituents. He should not be able to hide money away overseas, but this is the legal hole we dug, now we need to lie in it without blaming him.

We need to lie in it or we need to get outraged at the people who made this possible. Don’t yell at Mitt, I am an absolute believer in giving taxes to the government pay for social welfare programs, but just like anyone else, I wouldn’t pay a dollar more than asked. And I don’t expect Mitt to be any different.

Write to your congressman, tell him or her that you want fair taxes, that the wealthy should never pay a smaller percentage of their income that low and middle class families. If you can’t see how wrong that is, then I can never understand you.

We absolutely need to do something different in this country. We need to get rid of these Bush era tax cuts. They don’t spur the economy, they allow millionaires to keep more of their money that the middle class and they are preventing us from pulling in valuable revenue.

I’m not asking you to agree but for the love of all that is good, don’t vote for Newt Gingrinch because of Mitt Romney’s taxes (I mean, really don’t vote for Newt at all, but definitely not for this). Being rich and smart is unfortunately not a crime, no matter how frustrating it may be to those of us who don’t fulfill the former attribute.

Blame Congress. And in November, elect officials who are going to represent the will of the people, not the will of the elite.

Today I faced one of my greatest fears: the prospect of a 49ers/Patriots Super Bowl. I would either have had to not watch it, or morally compromise myself and root for one of the 2 NFL teams I hate the most. Luckily, the Giants pulled through and saved me. My husband is also quite happy, I’m just glad I can now root against the Patriots without distraction. I wish it was the Cowboys or the Saints, but at least it’s not the 49ers.

This weekend we drove to Heather’s house to celebrate Annie’s 2nd birthday. It was a lovely party, more well decorated and kept to theme than any event I have ever attended (it was Yo Gabba Gabba!) and the cake was amazing. Plus, it was really nice to see several of my friends again. We live just far enough away that we need an occasion to visit and this was a great one.

I have eaten the same thing for breakfast for two weeks and essentially the same thing for dinner 3 nights in a row. And each time it is the most delicious meal ever. Pregnancy is weird.

On the one hand, being 25 weeks pregnant doesn’t sound that far along, on the other hand, only having 15 weeks to go sounds like not very much time at all. I think things are about to get real here very soon. The nursery still isn’t finished and I still haven’t had any legitimate cravings or any desire to do anything that remotely resembles nesting (nesting is way too close to cleaning for me). My husband continues to have severe nesting issues that amuse me.

My mom is finally coming home tomorrow. She’s been on a cruise from Florida to South America since nearly 2 weeks ago. You know what’s fun? Having your mom on a cruise while there is a major cruise related accident in the news. Not stressful at all. She’s off the boat now and just has a flight between her and being home safely.

A branch of my family had to go through something truly lousy last week. I can’t/won’t elaborate for their privacy, but any good thoughts you have are most appreciated. They are such lovely people and deserve only good things, I’ve been so sad to see them go through this. Hopefully this is the end of the rough stuff for them and the start of calm.

Trader Joe’s Pfeffernusse. That is all.

On Wednesday my CI called in sick because her 2 year old son was on day 3 of a stomach virus. She came in on Friday and reported that she felt nauseous all day long, but worked through it. I avoided physical contact with her, washed my hands obsessively and am sure I’m fine. But she also brought in banana bread she baked at home the night her son puked 11 times and offered it to people. And to my surprise ALL of my other coworkers ate it. I came up with a polite excuse. I do not eat stomach flu bread, even if it looks totally delicious.

I have recently learned that many women puke during labor. This fact may keep me up at night.

I have to do my glucose tolerance test this week. I am…concerned. If there was any justice in the world, I would totally end up diabetic because I eat so much sugar it’s absurd, but I am really hoping for a world free from justice and where I only have to drink that orange crap once because I pass. Either way, I will survive and do what I need to for this baby, but seriously, I’d like to pass.

I desperately want to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, but I have no one to see it with and I’m unsure if seeing it alone is a wise idea. We need to move closer to people I know and like.

This weekend has gone by way too quickly, but it’s now 8pm and I need to spend the next hour getting ready for the week ahead. Here’s to hoping for another week without passing out, without anyone in my house puking and with lots of sleep-filled nights. I mean for you guys too, obviously.