3 day weekend. 3 DAY WEEKEND. I’m so happy that I don’t have to work tomorrow. I like my clinical a lot, but I like my weekends more. I don’t know if I will ever prefer to go to work than to lay around the house, I highly doubt it.

So, my cat hates me now. I think he knows about the baby and I think he’s mad. He ADORES my husband. Like, literally as soon as my husband’s ass hits any surface, my cat is on his lap. And he will sleep there for hours. The only time I get any cat love is when my husband is gone for a very long time and my cat is desperate. And even then, it’s not usually for very long. Conversely, my husband’s cat adores me now, which is weird since she’s normally a wretched bitch.

Most of today was spent cleaning, sorting, moving and building things around the house. Though we have 2 bedrooms, we definitely didn’t plan on making the office to nursery transition so soon, so trying to find somewhere to put all the furniture that used to be in the office has been a challenge. Most of it is now in the garage because we just really need the space.

We downsized our bookcase from a HUGE one to a very small one, that I built tonight. And when I was 1 step from finishing, I realized that I put the bottom shelf on upside down, so the unfinished side was looking up. And while it totally never would’ve bothered me, my husband was clearly not on board. So I had to take out like 8 little nails and several screws to fix it. There may have been some serious swearing involved.

My husband today swept the garage (which we never go into) and the patio (which we never go out onto). I literally cannot tell you the last time he swept the bathroom with the cat litter in it. But I’m so glad our garage is now clean. Sometimes his OCD makes zero sense to me.

We did our baby registry today. It took several hours and then several more making about 30 changes to it at home via the internet, but it seems to be mostly done. We did have to make a separate wish list on Amazon because the stroller we chose is not available at Babies R Us. We may end up buying it for ourselves, but that’s a risk we’re willing to take. It’s a really great stroller.

Related: baby stuff is really, really expensive.

After writing last week about waiting for the other shoe to drop, like 3 hours later it kind of did. I was awakened at 1am to the sound of my husband puking, which by the way, is the worst thing I’ve ever woken up to. He appears to have had food poisoning and is now fully recovered, but it was not a pleasant night for either of us. He hadn’t puked in 15 years, I am terrified of puke. We were both pretty miserable.

I really haven’t had any true cravings so far in pregnancy, but I have gotten into food ruts. My current ones are cinnamon and citrus. I bought orange cinnamon rolls last week and almost died from happiness.

Alright, I am tired and have nothing left for you guys. Except a picture of the Shmo in his new bed.

As I wrote last week, things around here have been really happy lately. I feel like I’m an entirely new person living such a wonderfully blessed life. And of course I’ve always had a blessed life, but it’s so much more apparent to me now. Yes, there have been some serious hormonal ups and downs in these few months, but on the whole, things have just been so good.

But there is a downside to all the good. It’s all the worry.

It’s gotten so hard for me to sit back and just enjoy the happiness because I’m constantly trying to figure out what is going to cause it to go away. Lately my obsession has been counting the days until the baby is viable. It’s 2 more days, just in case you wondered. Not that I want my child to be born anytime soon, but I am finding such an awkward comfort in knowing that doctors would work to save him if something happened now.

Every time I feel him kick I am comforted (and giddy kinds of happy), but I constantly worry that I’ll go into labor early and instead of the happy image in my mind of coming home from the hospital with my brand new baby, I envision weeks and months in the NICU with my child. And this started well before my clinical, just for the record.

I worry that something is going to happen to my family. About half of my crazy pregnancy dreams are about my husband leaving me, or someone I love dying. I had a dream last week that my dad died and I can barely even tell you how horrible it was. Just thinking about the horror of that dream nearly brings me to tears.

I am so immeasurably happy, but in the back of my head I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s been so long since I’ve not had something sucky going on in my life. I have headaches I can manage right now, I am not drowning in school. I am happy. Everything is about as wonderful as it could possibly be. Today started and seems to be ending with a perfectly healthy and active baby kicking the crap out of my insides. I literally cannot keep a smile off my face. There are moments where I feel like I could explode from sheer joy. And it’s so foreign that it scares me.

I know that some worry is normal, especially in totally uncharted territory and truly, it’s not holding me back from my happiness. It’s just there, lingering, threatening to tell me that it told me so when or if something bad happens. And I so desperately don’t want it to be right. I want to hold onto this happiness forever because I cannot imagine life without it anymore.

I have nothing else to write about, so I’m going to hop up on my soapbox for a little while. If you’re reading this and thinking that I’m writing it about you, then please know it’s not directed at anyone. Seriously, this is a post I’ve been tossing around in my head for several months thanks to a former coworker (who doesn’t read here) and I just finally had the time to write it out.

I understand that it is cold and flu season, I understand that half of the world is covered in snot. I understand you don’t feel well.

But you probably don’t need antibiotics.

Here’s the thing, your cold is supposed to make you feel miserable. You’re supposed to be congested, you’re supposed to have a sore throat. You’re supposed to have a cough, and that cough is normal for up to 6 weeks, as miserable as that sounds. And antibiotics don’t do anything to help colds. And unfortunately, they also don’t do anything to treat the flu (I’m talking about influenza) or a stomach virus because we’re talking about viruses, not bacterial infections. Even your child’s fever most likely doesn’t need an antibiotic since fevers don’t automatically mean a bacterial infections.

And I know what you’re going to say- I take antibiotics and my cold/stomach virus/flu gets better! But I would ask, how do you know your cold/stomach virus/flu wasn’t getting better on its own? That it wasn’t just running its course? Because antibiotics do not treat viruses, no matter how much you want them to. It’s a coincidence and it’s one with consequences.

New research shows that if you’re older than 6 months old ear infections, sinus infections and bronchitis are almost always viral, which means that antibiotics are not necessary. You may feel crappy, but time will be the best treatment for most of these. There are some exceptions and you should definitely talk to your doctor, but if you find out you have bronchitis, don’t get upset when your doctor tells you to go home and rest it off. He’s not being an idiot, he’s practicing evidence based medicine, which is a really good thing.

And I know that some people don’t understand why we wouldn’t take antibiotics when available to us and here’s why. When you take antibiotics, you expose your body and all the bugs in it to that antibiotic, which in turn offers it the change to adapt to that drug. The reason we have antibiotic resistant infections is because we have overused antibiotics so much that all the bacteria in our lives has been exposed to antibiotics and have mutated to no longer respond to them. If we took antibiotics less often, we would not expose as many bugs to them and that would mean fewer mutated bugs, which would be a very, very good thing.

It is because of this antibiotic overuse that we have MRSA and antibiotic resistant TB. It is because of this antibiotic overuse that we have infections that we cannot treat, that kill people who shouldn’t be dying.

There is some mutual blame because doctors absolutely overprescribe antibiotics to patients, but at the same time, I think we can all admit to pressuring our doctors on occasion. We don’t feel well and it feels awful to leave empty handed when you’re sure something is really wrong. But I implore you to stop asking for antibiotics if your physician doesn’t think you need them, and if they hand out antibiotics like candy, I implore you to get a new doctor. And not getting antibiotics doesn’t mean you’re not sick, it just means you don’t have a bacterial infection.

I know that this doesn’t apply to everyone and that some of you probably don’t care at all, but we all need to make an effort to do better, to decrease the chances of new superbugs emerging that we can’t treat.

I’ll step off my soap box now, but I’m going to continue to really hope you’ll all give this some thought.

p.s. No we did not buy baby toys, my sister-in-law gave us a box.
p.p.s. Yes we are going to be awesome parents, obviously.

Despite my usual hesitance for the week to start, I’m actually kind of okay with tomorrow being Monday. Aside from the nearly losing consciousness issue, I had a good first week of my clinical and this week I’ll only be in the NICU on Wednesday, so my stress level is pretty low. Also, working from 8 to 5 is SO much nicer than the 8 to 6:30 I was doing last semester. And even though I’m not a morning person 7:30 to 4:30 is kind of glorious.

The only not so glorious part is that I have a small assignment due on Wednesday. It’s not graded per se, but instead of requiring me to do a major inservice for my clinical like most offices do, they’re having me do biweekly write ups of diagnoses I see in clinic or the hospital. It’s much less stress, it’s just a bit more busy work.

In an attempt to get my eating in better control before the upcoming glucose tolerance test later this month, I’m making real food to take for lunch this week. It’s more annoying tonight, but I’m hoping I’ll be grateful when I have good lunches to eat and a little more protein in my diet. We’ll see how long this lasts, but hopefully a little while.

Sometimes I start sentences on these posts, look up at the tv, come back and have NO idea what I was going to tell you.

My husband is totally afraid of the fact that you can now see the baby kick. I think it’s hilarious both to watch and to watch him freak out.

This was a seriously interesting football weekend. I was pretty ambivalent about the Texans/Bengals game and the Giants/Falcons, but the Saints victory was awesome and the Broncos victory was…shocking. I really can only imagine how amazing the Broncos would be if Tebow was a fullback and they had a real quarterback. They would be amazing.

The baby has been killing my cervix today. Every time I try to gently push him up a little bit, he kicks like crazy. Apparently he’s comfortable where he is, thankyouverymuch.

There is a possibility that we could go to the Saints/49ers playoff game next weekend. I feel like it’s one of those once in a lifetime opportunities and I am hesitant to not push ahead with it. Even if it ends up being kind of pricey.

I am very low on things to share with you guys this week, which I think is because I’ve written more than usual lately and because I’ve been pretty extra active on twitter while being really inactive in my real life.

My cat’s food aggression has reached totally new levels of craziness. He will not be deterred and he will cut any bitch that gets in his way. This week he has stollen a Ritz cracker, french fries, an entire muffin that was easily the size of his head and has snuck in and eaten at least half of Karma’s food this week. I really don’t even know how to handle him. Good thing I love him a lot, even though he has totally started to love my husband WAY more than me.

Alright, it has taken me 2 full hours to get this typed out (I have been multi-tasking) and I need to be heading to bed relatively soon. I hope we all have a nice, low stress week.

When I wrote this, it was initially intended for someone specific. But as I read over it, I realized that it may speak to many people in my life, and some days to me too. I hope it speaks to some of you as well.

Dear Loved One,

I know you are struggling right now. I know that nothing is as easy as it seems like it should be. I know that getting up each day, going to work, going through the motions of life is nothing short of exhausting right now. I know and I’m so sorry.

You tell me that you’re not sure you can do it, but I know you can. I know you can because I see what you don’t. I see the strength that you have, the strength that will get you through this crappy day or week or month. I see the tenacity and perseverance that you can’t feel anymore, because you’re too deep in this cavern to find it.

You tell me that you feel like you’re losing control of your life, but you can’t see that by reaching out, by asking for help, by trying to move on, you are exerting control. By choosing to get out of bed and going to work, even though it’s going to suck and feel awful, you’re in control. By choosing not to just lay down and let this anxiety, this depression, whatever label you need to put on it, by not letting that run your life, you are more in control than you have ever been.

And yes, it feels awful. I know it does because I’ve been there too. There are no words to describe how awful it feels to be where you are today, or where you were yesterday.

It will get better.

I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. I care about you, and other people around you care more about you than you’ll ever know. And we’re going to help you get through this. It will get better because you are strong. It will get better because there are people who care, including me. It will get better because you have too many great things ahead of you for it not to. There simply is no other choice and you have to believe that too. You have to accept, to trust me, that this really will get better.

You need to know that you are loved. You are cared for and about. You are never alone in any of this. Even when you think that no one is there, there is always someone thinking about you, praying for you, loving you. You are never alone.

I just wanted you to read this, to know that no matter how bad you feel today or tomorrow or next week, that it will be okay. It will get better. Even if you can’t see how, people like me, people who love you, can. And we will be here for you because we love you too much to ever walk away.

Lean on us. Let us carry you when your burden is too great. Let yourself fall sometimes, because we are here to catch you. And then when you’re ready, get up and try again.

I love you dearly, we’ll get through this together. I promise.

Katie

I awoke bright and early his morning to get ready for my clinical. I realized that after 3 weeks off, I’ve kind of forgotten how mornings work. I was laying in bed thinking, okay, well, I’m awake, but what do I do now? After a few minutes I got up, brushed my teeth and then tried to remember what came next. Though it took a while, I got out the door by 6:45 and on the road.

I arrived on time and found out that I was one of 5 students starting today, including one of my classmates. We all did security stuff, got parking permits and then spent 2 hours reading through very thick binders of information about the hospital. Once all the forms were signed, I found my clinical instructor (CI) and we chatted for a few minutes.

She warned me that the first patient we were going to see was a very unstable baby with some other issues I’m not going to divulge. She offered me the option of going to lunch instead, but I decided to stick it out and eat lunch after. Though I grabbed a granola bar because I didn’t want to pass out.

And yes, the patient was…intense. I spent a lot of time reminding myself to breathe, bend my knees and relax. And I did fine. I ate lunch and then we went and saw a few more patients.

I got to hold and assess a couple of (stable) babies, I learned a ton about various aspects of NICU care and was really enjoying myself. My CI offered to let me leave at 4, but I told her I was fine to stay until my arranged time of 4:30 and so we went to see one last patient. This patient wasn’t in the NICU, he was a full-term infant in the normal hospital rooms with his mother. Basically, he was the lowest stress, most stable patient of the day. And all I had to do was listen to my CI explain something minor to the patient.

After about 10 minutes I started to get really warm. I have to wear a white coat and unlike everyone else, my only white coat is long sleeved and goes down to my knees. A few more minutes passed and I was getting more warm. The gloves were not helping. The room was stuffy. I was not handling things well. I wasn’t stressed, but suddenly I knew that I needed to get out of the room.

So I washed my hands quickly while my CI finished up and I stepped out in the hallway. By the time I got outside my vision was tunneling and my hearing was almost gone. I took my coat off and fanned myself but it was clear where this was going. After the longest few moments of my life, my CI came out into the hallway and I told her that I was going to pass out.

She got me a chair and some juice and after about 3 minutes, I was fine. I mean, I had a horrific headache and I was so tired I wanted to go to bed for the day, but I was no longer light headed, I could hear and see fine and I wasn’t hot anymore. The passing out danger had passed. I was fine. I was just HUMILIATED.

My CI told me that this has happened to all the pregnant women who’ve been in the NICU, which should make me feel better, but all it really makes me feel like is that I have 16 more weeks of freaking out about passing out every day. It’s so frustrating because I LOVED this day until those last 5 minutes. It was so neat. And now I’m home, exhausted to my core (it’s so ironic to me that losing consciousness is so energy draining) and even more worried about going back tomorrow.

Realistically I know the steps I need to take. I bought a short sleeved white coat, I will carry fruit snacks with me to keep my blood sugar up, and I will sit. But I also feel like I went from being totally in control to as out of control as I could possibly be. I guess it was good to learn this lesson early without actually passing out, but I would give anything for a do-over right now.

And to go back to the peace of mind I felt at 4:25 this afternoon instead of the crushing exhaustion and embarrassment I feel now. It’s gotta be uphill from here, right?

Tomorrow morning is the first day of my final clinical. I believe this is my very last first in graduate school and it’s one that I am a bit apprehensive about. I wrote about it over at Babble, but this clinical is a little different because instead of being in a clinic or treating in a rehab center, I’m working in a hospital. In a NICU.

Technically I’m only in the NICU on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, while Mondays and Fridays I’m working in an outpatient pediatric clinic, but the bulk of the time, especially with holidays, will be in the NICU. I am legitimately nervous about this.

One part of my nervousness just comes from the delicacy of the patients. I have done some very limited work in a PICU, but I’ve never worked with anyone as medically fragile as these babies will be. And it’s kind of alarming to realize that any mistakes could be not just unpleasant but life threatening. Now, most likely I won’t really get to do a lot of hands on stuff, at least not without extremely close supervision, but that doesn’t make it any less frightening.

The other part is obviously the total mental mindfuck that is being pregnant in a NICU. So far I’m feeling relatively okay about it, but only time will really tell with this one.

And more than anything else, I’m sad to be finished with vacation. I really, really love vacation and this was the last one I’ll ever really get. I mean, the last child free, relatively care free vacation of my life. Or at least for like 20 years. That is a long time from now, in case you’re not big on math.

I had planned a quiet day today to get all the last minute things ready for tomorrow, which meant that absolutely nothing went according to plan and today was the exactly opposite of relaxing. Maybe in the end that’s a good thing since it means I haven’t had time to worry too much or to get too bogged down thinking about anything. I’ve had to focus on other stuff like my nieces, my cat being a tremendous asshole and putting together a crib. But now I’ve got 2 hours before bed and I’m starting to feel unsettled.

There is a small part of me that is excited, it’s a new experience and it may be something that I want to do for the rest of my life. The prospect of that is exciting and scary. And even if it’s not something I want to do forever, in 16 weeks it’s over, and I’ll be ready to graduate.

It’s 16 weeks, 79 days. I firmly believe that I can do anything for 79 days. So we may as well get this show on the road.

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a nice holiday season. And all of you who have to take down decorations have my deepest sympathy. Also, this is why I don’t decorate.

Tomorrow we get the first piece of baby furniture for the office that is being converted to a nursery. We’re very fortunate that we’re getting a beautiful crib and dresser set from my sister-in-law, but it has also necessitated an early conversion from office to nursery, which has caused my husband a lot of stress. We’re currently testing the office furniture in the living/dining room and I think I actually like the dvd shelves in the dining room, I’m undecided on the desk.

My husband also invited his mother to “swing by” tomorrow. She’s currently (as usual) on my shit list for laughing at our holiday card. It would be fine if she laughed at the typo, but instead she is laughing at us because we included the baby on the card. You guys, my feelings about this woman are getting more and more intense. And they are not good.

My sister-in-law’s email has a virus, so I keep getting really inappropriate emails from her. It’s…entertaining.

The Cowboys officially did not make it to the playoffs. I am shocked to my core. Not. They didn’t deserve to make it to the playoffs this year, though I’d say Romo put up a good effort considering how many times he’s been injured in the past 2 years. My allegiance is now fully with the Saints. I’d love another Saints Super Bowl win, and watching the Saints break all these records the past few weeks has been tons of fun.

My cat scratched me on the throat last night. I was breaking up a fight between the cats, my cat was all crazy and well, it’s not pretty. And I start my clinical on Tuesday, so that’ll be a nice first impression.

Also, I start my clinical on Tuesday. GAH. This has been the fastest 3 weeks of my entire life. I feel like there was just no real vacation in there. There were (wonderful, fun) trips and errands and car rides and more errands. Only in the past 2 days have I actually gotten to relax and be lazy. And tomorrow will be occupied with family dropping by and laundry. Woe. I don’t want to go back. I mean, I want to try this new setting and I want to be closer to graduation, but I’m really, really going to miss my couch and sleep and low stress life.

I never went and tried out the other stroller this week. I discovered that the store in a town that I thought was close to us is in fact not really close at all. 45 minutes is too far to drive one way to try a stroller. I’ll just go to one of the 10 stores near where my sister is next time I visit her.

Today has been a weird day of internet conflict. And a lot of eye rolling. And A LOT of bad grammar.

I am finding myself suddenly exhausted. I think it’s time for me to retire from the computer for the night. Apologies for all who have to go to work tomorrow and high fives for the rest of us who get to stay home. Have a safe week everyone.

So, I have gone back and forth about writing a year end post and had mostly decided not to because I just didn’t have it in me to delve through the year and find links and blah blah blah. And then I stumbled across Sundry’s yearly recap and decided that I could totally answer 27 questions about 2011. And that will be a good way to finish out 2011. And it allows me to stay lazy, which is obviously key.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Got knocked up. I promise that won’t be the answer to everything. I also bought my first new car all by myself. Okay, so my husband was there, but it was my hard-assery that got us the price we wanted. And I only had to call my dad 800 times for support. Whatever.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Nope and yes. My resolutions last year were to be healthier, which hilariously included more fruits and vegetables and fewer carbohydrates. I would argue that I have actually made some pretty decent headway on my fruit/veggie consumption. I think the fact that I’m not discussing the carbohydrates while I sit next to a virtually empty box of See’s Candy can fill in the rest of that for you.

For 2012 my resolution is to try to worry less. Because I can see how being a mother is going to make me a basket case and I’m trying to slow the crazy train down before it reaches the station, so to speak.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I had a few friends in real life and on the internet, but no family or close friends. 2012 is going to be the year of the babies, I’m pretty sure.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no. A great-aunt on my dad’s side, who I was fortunate enough to see (for the first time in YEARS) just a few months before she passed away.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. We went to New York twice, New Orleans and I got a trip to San Diego, but no passports were required in 2011. Nor for the next 20 years.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Financial security. ahahahahahahahaha. Because obviously graduating from graduate school and having a baby in one month is likely to bring about exactly that. Check back with me in 20 years when our loan forgiveness has finally come through.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 29th, 2011. The day I woke up and decided to pee on a stick, not because I thought I was pregnant by any means, but because I just wanted to double check. And I was. And I woke my husband up 5 minutes before his alarm to tell him and spent the entire rest of that day floating outside myself, because holy shit, a baby.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finishing my last semester of classroom learning (EVER) and getting straight As in my last 2 semesters of graduate school.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to spend as much time as I would like with my family.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ahahahahaha. The headaches persist, I fractured a bone in my hand (which healed beautifully), though I have to say that 2011 required many fewer medical tests and bills than the years preceding it. Even with ultrasounds and OB visits.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car, my phone (on a cellular network that actually gets service).

12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, to pay for my air conditioning habits, new car, MRIs.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Feeling my baby kick for the first time. Finding out we’re having a son. Tamales.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Fix You by Coldplay or by Mr. Shuster.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Unquestionably happier. Absurdly happy.
– thinner or fatter? Waaaaaay fatter. I can only blame the baby for some of it.
– richer or poorer? About the same, though I would argue we’re doing better at managing our finances.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cooking at home, spending time with my husband and family.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. Dry heaving.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family, freaking out because they baby decided to sit completely still for 24 hours.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Everything on the Food Network, Modern Family, Up All Night, Glee

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read very little in 2011, but I think I got through and enjoyed all of James Patterson’s new books.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Don’t judge me, but I never listen to new stuff, I always listen to music on my iPhone. So pretty much the Glee soundtrack, the Spider-Man Broadway soundtrack and a few others here and there.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
The final Harry Potter, Rise of the Planet of the Apes and I literally cannot remember seeing any other movies. That’s so sad.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (though about 80% of the time, I’m still sure I’m 27) and I played in a softball game (I got an out for the other team and two for mine…) and went out to dinner with my husband and several of the other softball players.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Booze. No, I’m kidding. Aside from better management of the anxiety in my brain, I cannot think of anything that would’ve made this year more satisfying.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Couch comfortable. I know what I like, it can usually be found at Gap or Ann Taylor, and leggings and tights are not pants unless your shirt can be confused for a dress. Just saying.

26. What kept you sane?
Zofran, my sister, sleep, good friends.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I think I finally began to see how invaluable worrying is. I haven’t managed to eradicate it from my life by any means, but I’ve really realized that it gets me no where and that staying calm makes almost everything more manageable. I think I realized that I’m a lot stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. And that my marriage, my family is immeasurably important to me.

Happy New Year, everyone!