This is one of those tie up random loose ends posts. I had two more introductory sentences here, but they were completely incomprehensible. It’s like there’s a reason why you shouldn’t take a sleeping aid and then try to blog.

A) We went to the Apple store tonight to see if Slappy’s computer could be repaired and it went a little like this:
Apple guy: How can I help you?
Husband: So this MacBook walked into a bathtub, and never said anything again.
Apple guy:…

And now we have he has a new laptop. And also he has a new iPhone case and is in the process of getting new work shoes. Because when he breaks stuff that has to be replaced, he likes to do it all at once and when I have no way to justify buying myself anything.

I think I’m going to throw my computer in the bathtub next week.

2) Remember that one time I asked you to vote for my recipe in the Aiming Low Recipe contest? Well, you all did and then I made it to the final four! Yay!

But I am losing to the lovely Sugar Jones. Boo!

If you haven’t already, go here, watch the videos (and try not to be distracted by Shauna Glenn’s HILARIOUS kids) and if you’re so inclined (and want to make my day/week/month/year), leave a comment voting for my really really great pumpkin cake. The contest closes Friday night at 10pm eastern time and it would be some serious kickassery to win.

III) You can now get my blog by feedburner.

Theoretically.

Because I don’t actually know what feedburner is, except that it sounds like it might hurt and well, there’s a link to the right where you can click to subscribe via email.

Also? If you’re still getting this blog via the old google reader feed from my blogspot site, I’d love it if you’d switch to the new one (on this page, click on add a subscription (top left) and in the box type overflowingbrain.com/feed), because it makes my obsessive life easier. I should throw it out there that I also have no idea how google reader works either, so if this makes no sense, blame it on the sleeping aid for sure.

Internet abilities, for the win!

d) I’m going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. It was a long complicated deliberation, but ultimately, I’m extremely excited and am hoping that a change of scenery will help me find a way to refocus on school and my upcoming week of hell midterms.

five) Tomorrow is Friday.

Halle-freaking-lujah.

In case you haven’t watched any news or heard us bitching on Twitter, Los Angeles (like most of California), has been under a lot of water this week. We even had a few tornadoes yesterday with more predicted tomorrow. To be honest with you, aside from the traffic that is caused by the rain (the road is WET not covered in LAVA Los Angeles), I don’t care much. As long as we stay safe, I can deal with the wetness.

Well, I could.

But with the rain has come snow. And with the snow has come trouble. There is a mountain pass between where my family lives and where I live. That pass was shut down today because of snow and with tomorrow’s predicted storms, will be again. This pass was the route my mom as going to travel tomorrow to stay the night and take me to Friday’s lumbar puncture (attempt #2) because Slappy has to work.

This is not a possibility any longer.

Even if the pass is open, it’s not going to be safe to drive, and I am unwilling to be so selfish that I put my mom in danger. It’s just not an option.

My mom called my aunt and she’s going to take me on Friday, which I greatly appreciate. And then I think I’m staying at my sister’s house on Saturday night because Slappy is on call overnight at the hospital and I’m uncomfortable being left alone.

Ultimately, it’s all going to work out because by and large, my family is incredible. I will have people taking care of me and I will be safe, but it’s hard to deal with this. I feel like such an incredible burden to my family and friends. I feel like now not only does my husband feel bad for not being able to take care of me, but my mom does too. My sister took off an entire day of work last week and now is giving up part of her weekend to babysit me.

Where does it end? I’m 26 years old and I am completely dependent on other people. I appreciate those other people so much, but I know that I am negatively effecting their lives and it breaks my heart to pieces.

My friends can go a week without someone taking care of them, their parents can live thousands of miles away and they’re fine. My friends don’t have to arrange complicated family setups so that they can get safely to one appointment or the next, their parents don’t have to take days and weeks off of school to help them. My friends get to be independent, get to go to school regularly, get to stay on top of their work. They don’t have to call their husbands and mothers each day to say how the day really was. They don’t have to find ways to make things seem fine. My friends and their families get to be normal.

I try not to strive for normalcy too often because after a while, it gets to be too disheartening to never achieve it. But I don’t need normal in my life right now, I need normal for my family. I need for my mom to not cry and worry and pray for me around the clock. I need my sister to not feel guilty for not being able to help again this week, for not being able to help me find a solution to this pain. I need my husband to not feel bad about going to work, to a job where he saves lives. No one should feel guilty for that.

I have surrendered the hope of not having pain. I accept that this is my life, and though it sucks fiercely I can deal with that. I can deal with the changes that have come in my life, I can deal with the fact that my life might never be the way it was or the way it probably should be.

But I cannot accept what it has done to others.

I cannot accept the fact that it has changed so many people besides me. I cannot accept that this chronic pain has distorted and disrupted the lives of those I love. And though I want to be, I’m not optimistic about this test. I don’t think it’s going to be the answer, I don’t think it’s going to be the end of the pain.

But I think it might be the end. I think it might be where I wave the white flag and accept this reality. This is my fight. This is my life. And it’s mine to wage and mine to struggle through. And when the carnage of this battle bleeds into the lives of those I love, I have to draw the line.

I will not let this pain ruin others. I will not let this pain take more prisoners, more victims. It can have me, that should be enough.

I’ve spent some time this week reading other peoples’ year end posts wandering what the hell to write about this year.

I have a real love-hate relationship with 2009. It has been, undoubtedly, one of the most tremendously difficult years of my life, but from that struggle, it has also become one of the most rewarding. I feel like I’ve grown as an adult, a wife, and a woman in so many ways, but also, in that growth, I left behind parts of me I never intended to.

If I had to describe this year in one word, there is no question that it would be bittersweet. It just seems like all the good has been coated and surrounded in bad, ugliness. It seems that all the things I want to remember have faded to the memory of those things I would rather forget.

In January, my very last cousin was born. He is the most gorgeous, precious boy and the light and love he has brought to our family has been immeasurable.

I cannot believe that this (ginormous) infant
<

has become this beautiful toddler.

In February of 2009, I ended up in an emergency room with a CT scan that said I had a tumor. A small one, but in a bad place. A tumor that my neurologist said is either something totally benign or something we’ll notice problems from later. So so comforting.

In March, my husband matched in a residency. His dreams and his hard work paid off right before our eyes. And as he promised my mom 3 years before, he got us home to California. And because of that, I was able to accept admission to the best graduate program in the country.

In April we found our new home. (In December we found out that part of it is going to become a dorm for the college nearby. Don’t even get me started).

In May I finished teaching. I finally managed to leave that noble career that drove me bat-shit crazy. My husband graduated from medical school and became a real doctor. And shortly thereafter we packed our entire house to leave New Orleans. 2009 will always be remembered as the year I left New Orleans for California, a move I thought I desperately wanted. But it’s also the year I realized how much I’d miss that rough-and-tumble city. How much it had become a part of me.

In June, I got a new kitten. A new kitten who has subsequently ripped up every single corner of carpet in our new apartment, bitten holes in the vertical blinds and spilled pomegranate juice on the carpet. He also cuddles and is adorable.

In June we also celebrated our first anniversary and thankfully stopped having the arguments every single damn day that plagued our first year of wedded bliss. It’s like someone switched a light switch on our marriage. I am truly happier with Slappy now than I have ever been.

In July I went to a conference with 10 trillion women, felt totally overwhelmed, yet also so welcome by so many wonderful people. I may or may not have taken part in a super secret pizza party in which I met a group of women (and Mike) that I still count among my friends.

It might seem ridiculous, but BlogHer was one of the highlights of my year. I felt like me there, I felt like I was among people who “get” the internet. I listened to a panel all about health blogging and realized that though sometimes I feel alone in this, I’m not. I was inspired, challenged, and I laughed until I damn near cried. And also helped Megan cross something off her bucket list. And you know, meeting Valerie Jarrett and listening to other women who weren’t stunned into silence talk with her about healthcare didn’t suck either.

August birthed this headache. The one that has carried through to December at the very least, and plagues my every waking moment. August was also the month I began graduate school and took up full time whine blogging. You’re all welcome for that.

September, October and November are a blur. A big suck filled blur. They involved a new neurologist, a horrible lumbar puncture, a spinal headache, 2 weeks on my back on my couch before a blood patch, a cisternogram which revealed nothing and a lot of tears. The only good thing I can even begin to say about those months are that they are done, they are in the past. And I know that’s terrible because some great things happened those months, but my mind was so burdened with pain and worry that it’s all I can remember.

December has been a roller coaster ride. I passed all my classes in graduate school, which still amazes me. Especially considering that this month I also lost the ability to sleep through a night. December is the month where my neurologist finally reached the end of her ability to help me and the month where I found a new doctor who is going to try.

It is easy for me to say that I want this year to end. Because, truly I do. I desperately I want a fresh start after the beating I’ve taken this year.

But as much as I want to start anew I also realize that after the clock strikes midnight tonight, the world is not going to magically change. There is no slate that is actually going to be wiped clean as I keep imagining it in my mind. The clock hitting a new number won’t change my life, it won’t change my health, it’s just a new day, like every other. And like each new day, I hope tomorrow brings something different, something less painful. Something like what I used to have.

I hope that 2010 brings days without pain, days without fear, days without sadness. But I also hope that the lessons I’ve learned and the obstacles I’ve traversed in 2009 will give me the tools and the grace to handle this new year and it’s inevitable new challenges.

At the beginning of December I asked my husband if we (the two of us) could celebrate Chanukah instead of Christmas this year. We’d still spend Christmas and celebrate with my family, but I wanted to give Chanukah a try. And it has nothing to do with the 8 nights of presents. Mostly.

In my Chanukah shopping, I had to stop into Hallmark to get a card for my sister-in-law. Hallmark, holiday card sanctuary, had walls and walls and rows and rows of Christmas cards. And one column of Chanukah cards. 12 in total. And 2 of them were combined Happy Chanukah/Merry Christmas cards.

I’m not standing up here to say that there needs to be an equal ratio of Christmas to Chanukah cards, but more than one column and *gasp* perhaps a roll of Chanukah wrapping paper wouldn’t be the end of the world. Or so I think any way.

I’m not, nor am I ever going to be, one of those people who’s offended if someone at a store wishes me a “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Chanukah” or “Happy Holidays.” Or if I get a card from friends or family that is Christmasy. Because, it’s not about that. Wishing someone a happy holiday, even if it’s not the one they practice is well-intended and that’s what I think the important thing is.

But there’s a line here.

A few years ago, something happened in my hometown. And at the time, I was all up in arms about it, but then, with time, sort of forgot about it. After my Hallmark experience, my memory was jogged.

Two years ago, the school district where I attended high school and worked for a year, got a new member to the board of trustees, and his very first order of business was not educational. It was not related to curriculum or even really students in the area.

His very first order of business was to change the names of Winter Vacation and Spring Break to Christmas and Easter Vacation (yes, I know I just linked you to a fox news article and my insides are burning a little for it, but it was the easiest article I could find on it).

In the article the trustee said that,

“We’re just trying to uphold American cultural and religious history,”

Bullshit.

Ahem. I mean. No. Just, no.

Because American cultural history also might include this little document we call the constitution. And historically speaking it has (for quite some time) contained an amendment stating that the government cannot establish a religion. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Christmas, by it’s very name and tradition, is a Christian holiday. Easter is the mother of all Christian holidays (though the bunny is a very curious component). And public school districts? They are run by the government.

Hmmmm.

So please, please tell me, how does renaming vacations after Christian holidays in public schools uphold the American cultural history? And moreover, what the fuck is this American religious history? There is NO American religions history. This country was FOUNDED on the principles of freedom of religion. I don’t give a shit how many people are Christian, because that’s one of the beauties of this country. You can be whatever you want.

In 2007, 16% of the United States population did not practice a religion. 1.7% practiced Judaism. .7%, .6% and .4% practiced Buddhism, Islam and Hinduism, respectively. So, almost 20% of the population does not practice Christianity. So why is a public school allowed to observe religious holidays?

And moreover, who the HELL was it hurting to call it Winter Break? Or Spring Break?

I am not asking for anyone to stop wishing anyone else a Merry Christmas. I’m not asking for anyone to convert to another religion or even attempt to really understand another one. But I don’t think it’s unfair to ask a public school district to observe the 1st amendment. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want students who don’t observe Christmas to have it lauded above another holiday they might celebrate at the same time of year.

But that’s just me.

So, as it turns out, I really needed a blog break.

I only managed to stay away from twitter for about a day, but the break from being here, from feeling a little guilty about whining to all of you has been good for me. And in the time off I caught a fairly unpleasant cold, which would’ve only caused me to do a crap-ton (more) whining and let’s be honest, no one would benefit there.

I’m doing the best I can right now to be positive. My emotions are a little unpredictable and my attention is divided. But that’s nothing new. It’s just frustrating.

On Friday, I took one of the two remaining make up midterms I had. When I finished (and it was a tough test), my professor asked me if I wanted her to grade it right then. In case you wondered, the correct answer to that question is no. No no no no. Which, of course, means that I said yes.

And I did okay, missed some here and there, but thought the total would be in the mid-B range. So when she told me that I got a 79, I lost it.

I cried. In front of my professor. She was understanding and more than anything else, really insisted that I be proud of myself. Proud for getting back on track and passing a tough test.

But I wasn’t.

I wasn’t proud because I’ve not gotten below a B on anything since my sophomore year of college. I always get As and Bs. And I studied for that test. I studied for a solid week. But my mind has not been on school. It has not been on anything for more than a few minutes before entering full-on pity party mode. I passed the test (and as it turned out, I actually got an 81, which I can live with) and was not proud.

I am trying to change the way I think about things. To not be so hard on myself, to not be so in my head and obsessed with all of this, but it’s a huge challenge. I have ALWAYS been a straight A student. Always. I got one C in my whole life, and it was in college and it was a fluke that I’ve mostly blocked out of my mind.

My classmates are stressed about finals (which begin tomorrow), but not only do I have one extra test to take (a remaining makeup midterm), but I also am hearing material from the first time. I’m taking an anatomy exam tomorrow after only having stood in the lab 2 out of 10 times in this particular unit.

I’ve missed 20 days of school, by FAR the most of anyone in my class. And I am trying, but I might not pass all my finals.

And that is a really difficult reality to face.

I’m scared, because I’ve worked so hard. I stuck with this when things got really tough. I didn’t quit when I wanted to, but now I’ve reached an end point. I want to continue with this program. I found my passion for it again, but now the odds are stacked against me.

I want nothing more than to finish this semester and be able to start up again with my classmates in January. I want it so much it almost hurts. And I’m trying, I truly am, to stay positive and have faith in myself, but I’m floundering.

I know that if I don’t pass this semester, I’m never going to get over it. It will always be something that happened because of my brain. It’ll be another thing stolen from me by my health and I just don’t know if I can handle that. there are only so many things that I can lose to pain before I give up altogether.

I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could know what’s going to happen next, to know if this week will be my last week of school until January, or my last ever.

I wish I had some reassurance that the future was going to be okay. That some day, I might have a life not dictated by pain, but by my own decisions and actions. My life.

I always feel like I need to put some sort of “about me” post up when I know I’m getting ready to meet a bunch of new bloggers. And I wrote it out, read it and realized that it was just sort of a regurgitation of my 100 things list and my FAQs page. And as much as I’m a fan of regurgitation, I’m going to spare you a little.

You’re welcome.

So instead, here are 10 11 things you need to know about me this weekend.

1. My name is Katie (okay, so that’s not necessarily related to only this weekend, but you know, it seems like something you should know), but I have a boat load of sisters and will respond to pretty much any girl’s name. I also hate embarrassing people, so if you call me by a different name, I won’t correct you. I also won’t tell you that you have food in your teeth. But that’s just because I’m an ass.

2. I do not have children. Though I love them dearly and if you bring one, I might have to squeeze it. Just a little. Unless it’s prone to projectile spitting up. In which case, no thank you.

3. I’ve had 6 needles stuck in my back in the past 10 days. I am sore, I got some crappy health news and I will sit a lot. I will also be in comfortable shoes and will move my hips/back as little as possible while dancing. Which will likely have no impact on my white girl dance moves.

4. I’m not pregnant (I swear), but I’m not drinking (much) alcohol for reasons related to my effed up brain.

5. I will have a caffeinated beverage in my hand pretty much every hour of the day. My doctor told me to (I swear!)

6. I have a headache every single moment of every single day. Please don’t judge me if you see me popping pills. They’re all legal and prescribed and necessary for my functionality.

7. I am not a morning person, but I try. Unless you start singing at me, and then you’re dead to me.

8. USC is going to beat Notre Dame this weekend. I will not argue with you about this.

9. My purse is from Target.

10. Yes, that picture at the top is the back of my head and yes, you’re welcome to have a peek at my scar. Don’t be surprised when I have hair. This always seems to confuse people.

11. I love cake. This is also not necessarily relevant to this weekend, but may be important should you wish to forge a friendship.

12. What happens in Vegas will be captured on my camera and posted for the internet. Except that I don’t really know how my camera works. So you’re probably safe.

See you there.

Or not.

Which is fine too.

And go check out Daisy’s place later. I’m working (sloooooowly) on a guest post while she wraps up her honeymoon!

Once more, the news has inspired my blog. But this time it’s not about republicans, so you can all exhale comfortably.

It’s about rape instead.

More specifically, Roman Polanski raping a 13 year old girl.

As always, I don’t pretend to understand all the facts, not by a long shot. But what I do know is that Polanski pled guilty to having sex with a 13 year old girl and then ran away. He fled the country and sought refuge in Switzerland. The man ADMITTED to having sex with her, and then he ran away.

I don’t much care if he had a plea bargain that would’ve spared him jail time. I don’t care if he is a brilliant director who has had a hard life. I don’t care if it was 30 years ago. This man raped a child and then ran away. He committed a crime, admitted to it, and then fled instead of taking the punishment.

His reasoning is that there was a chance that his plea bargain would’ve fallen through, which is scary. But that sort of seems like the kind of thing you should consider before you drug and have sex with an 8th grader.

This sickens me on so many levels. I taught 8th graders for 3 years. I know 13 year old girls. Something like this isn’t something that should EVER be excused. It’s not something that celebrities should be encouraging others to overlook and it’s not something that we should degrade with finger quotes.

I have yet to hear a single compelling reason from any of Polanski’s friends as to why he should be excused. 30 years does not erase his crime. Living in seclusion does not equal paying for his violence. This man is a coward and he is a rapist. He deserves to be judged and face the law like every other citizen in the world.

If Polanski wasn’t a celebrity, would we feel the same way? If he hadn’t produced wonderful movies and earned awards, would we all stand aside and say that because the age of consent is different in Europe that this is excusable?

It’s not excusable. Rape is not excusable. A grown man drugging and having sex with a 13 year old is not excusable. No amount of time in jail will ever pay for that crime, but getting off without punishment sure as hell doesn’t either.

Someone needs to stand up for what is right because many are standing up for what isn’t. I just hope that you’ll join me.

3 months from today, life will be changing. Like, major major changing.

No, we don’t know where, but 3 months from today, we’re moving. Possibly to California near our families. Possibly just across town to a place without 2 obnoxious housemates (more on that another time). Possibly to the Big Apple.

We don’t know.

But, we do know that 3 months from today, we’ll be getting in our car and driving to our new home. The quickness of this year has caught me off guard. I can’t believe that we went from having 3 years here in New Orleans to having 3 months left. It’s been a long 2 and a half years, but it’s winding down so very quickly. I’m so very excited and I can’t wait for match day to find out our destination.

But, there are more pressing matters…

You see, 2 weeks from today, Slappy is shaving his head. Yes, I’m beating this dead horse again.

He’s VERY close to his goal of 500 dollars and is sincerely hoping to achieve it soon. I really do understand that money is tight, but every single dollar helps. On average, I get greater than 200 unique visitors a day to the main page of the blog. If each one of those people donated one dollar, he’d exceed his goal.

I really do get that some of you cannot afford to donate, and I don’t begrudge you that situation, just keep him and the kids in your thoughts and we’re grateful for you, too.

If you can donate, even a dollar, five dollars, whatever, please email me: overflowingbrain@gmail.com and I’ll give you the link to donate. Time is running out and we really REALLY want to meet this goal.

The cause couldn’t be better. Slappy needs a haircut more than anyone I’ve ever met. Kind of looks like a que-tip. I mean, childhood cancer. That’s what it’s all about.

But seriously, I appreciate each of you who can find a dollar or two to spare and donate to this amazing cause. And I promise this will be one of the last times I badger you about it.

Probably.

(First, let me say that the 13th comment, well, all of the comments, but especially the 13th comment on the post from Sunday was amazing. Congratulations to you, Lolo. I don’t know anything about you except that you made a really REALLY amazing decision today. And for that, I applaud you.)

So after I got the news from the neurologist that the brain nugget was in fact brain plaque, I informed the neurologist that I still needed to be seen because while the Neurontin worked for about 2 solid weeks once back in November/December, it hasn’t done a fricking lick of good since then. He said he’d have his office call me to schedule an appointment.

Yesterday afternoon I received the RUDEST voicemail from his receptionist letting me know that this was the 4th time she had called and she had left several messages and she THOUGHT I wanted to be seen in the near future.

Y’all need to be impressed with me for not driving over there and screaming at her. It helps that she’s like a 70 year old woman, but nevertheless, RUDE.

So I called her back and let her know that if she’d called me 4 times, it certainly wasn’t the right number and that I had received zero of those messages.

Come to find out, she had called my home line first, which, while at work I obviously don’t answer. Then she called my work number, which I also don’t answer while working and then she called my cell phone. All within a 10 minute time span. Which is, you know, totally the same thing as calling me 4 times.

And so I explained that while I taught I couldn’t so much carry on phone conversations and she basically ignored me and told me they had an opening for Tuesday morning at 9 due to a last minute cancellation and I snapped it right up.

The doctor saw me this morning and reaffirmed that the nugget/plaque whatever it is, is perfectly fine, but obviously I shouldn’t be taking 1800 mg of Neurontin a day if it’s not working. But also, he has no idea why I’m having headaches. Which is apparently the mystery of the century. So, anyways, I’m weaning off the Neurontin now, over the course of 4 weeks, and then picking up a drug called Pamelor.

It’s a really old mood stabilizer which has been shown to prevent headaches. I’m not wild about being on this class of drugs (especially since I’ve just in the past week or so decided that I’m going to wean off the Xanax because I don’t want to be on it anymore…), and I have a notoriously negative history of side effects with them, but according to the doctor Slappy is working with, it’s been shown to be really effective. So I’ll try it.

And perhaps a little mood stabilizing wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Shut. it.

So now we wean, then we start something different. And I’m not going to tell you about the rest of the day because that is one MONSTER rant that will have to wait for another time. Frankly, I’m afraid if I type it out now, I might swear so much I’d drive half of you away.

And accidentally prove that a mood stabilizer is actually a pretty great idea.

I can’t begin to describe the overwhelming sadness that rushes over my existence when I flip the calendar to March.

March 1st.

7 years ago today, my grandmother died. She died scared, in a hospital, without her husband, with only one of her five children there. No one had time to hold her hand or tell her that she could let go when she wanted. No one could tell her one more time that they loved her. Instead, she died, quickly but painfully and almost alone.

I know some of you will roll your eyes. She wasn’t my mother, she didn’t raise me or anything, but we were close. I lived with her for a year at a point of great turmoil in my life. She was the core and the heart of our family. And she is gone.

One of the memories of her that I can’t let go of was just a few years before her death, in Las Vegas (her favorite place on Earth). Our whole family had made the drive to Vegas for Spring Break and one night we were going to see the Excalibur show. The seats are all in a row and we had to file in in the correct seating order. When asked where I wanted to sit, I told my mom that I didn’t want to sit next to my grandma because she smelled like cigarettes.

I didn’t know right away, but she overheard me and was crushed. Eventually I found out that she heard and I too, was crushed that I had hurt her. I tracked her down and apologized, a tear-filled apology in the middle of a casino floor in sin city.

What my grandmother told me when I apologized was not what I anticipated and not something I will probably ever forget. She forgave me, but also told me that it wasn’t my fault. She said that she had done it to herself and had long before realized that because of smoking she’d lost her family.

It’s amazing looking back in retrospect at how correct that statement would be.

My grandmother began smoking when she was in her 20s. She had always been a very anxious person and at the time her doctor recommended it to calm her nerves. Obviously there was no way to know then what she was getting herself into, but in the end she smoked from her early 20s until the age of 75.

In those 50 years she smoked one to two packs of cigarettes every day. She tried to quit several times that I can remember, or at least talked about it, but was too afraid of the withdrawing process. Her fear managed her addiction.

And then, at age 75, after an unrelated surgery, she quit. Cold turkey, no going back. At age 75, using no drugs, or hypnosis, or patches, but rather her sheer force of will (she was nothing if not horribly stubborn), she gave up a nearly life-long habit.

Six months later, she came down with pneumonia and a chest x-ray showed spots on her lungs. On February 25, 2002, she had an invasive surgery where a lobe of one of her lungs was removed. On the morning of March 1st, we found out that the spots were cancerous and that it had already spread to the lymph nodes around her lungs. The doctors had a chemo/radiation plan and while no one was sure if they’d be able to kill it completely, they believed they could slow it down. The news was terrible, but we pushed on with a small ray of hope.

And then that afternoon I called my mom to arrange a trip to visit my step-dad who had, that very morning while the doctors were delivering my grandma’s diagnosis, had his cancerous prostate removed. She didn’t answer. So I called my sister, who told me to keep trying to call my mom. I did. No answer. So I called my aunt, who insisted I called my mom. After much demanding, she told me what was going on. While I was in class, a blood clot had formed and had gone into my grandma’s lungs. She’d died.

That morning we had a game plan. A way to keep her with us.

That afternoon, she was gone.

The last time I saw my grandma was the night before her surgery. I told her how much I loved her and I would come back on the 2nd to visit. Instead I drove home on the night of the 1st. I was too late.

My grandma’s doctor looked us straight in the eyes and told us that smoking caused the cancer. It wasn’t a genetic anomaly. It wasn’t misfortune. It wasn’t a random happenstance. It was smoking. Anyone who doesn’t believe that smoking kills is completely wrong. Smoking killed my grandma.

Each year I try and honor her in some way, and this year, this is how I’m doing it. I’m taking a public stand against smoking. Plenty of people I know and love smoke and I don’t love them less for it, but I am saddened by it. Because someday, smoking will come between them and their family.

Because of smoking, my grandmother never met 2 of her grandchildren, nor her 2 great-grandchildren.

Because of smoking my grandma didn’t see any of her grandchildren graduate from college or get married.

Because of smoking, my grandfather lives alone in the house that used to be filled with her boundless energy.

Because of smoking, my aunt had to watch her mother suffer a very painful death.

Because of smoking, our family suffers. Even now, 7 years later.

Smoking will get between you and your family. Maybe not today, maybe not in a year, maybe not even in a decade or two. But it will. Please let our family’s suffering save you some. Stop smoking. And if someone you loves does, help them quit.

No one should have to have March 1sts the way my family does. Don’t let yours.

(My very favorite picture. Circa 1990)

(With the last grandchild she got to meet. Thanksgiving 2001)

Rest in peace sweet lady. You are missed every single moment, but especially today.