Archive for the ‘The Work’ Category

Oh. my. hell. This week is eating away at my soul.

First the job. My first attempt to contact my work was last Tuesday, July 1st, at 4pm. My second attempt at contact was Sunday morning. I then called Monday morning and found out that the administrators were at a conference and wouldn’t be back until today. So this morning, I sent another email because often if it’s been more than a week since an email was sent, it never ever gets read. There’s a black hole of emails that has a motto of ignorance being bliss.

I got showered and dressed with the intention of driving down there in person today, but I called first, wherein I found out that they wouldn’t be back to the office until tomorrow, so I stayed put. And completely lost my mind. I can 100% deal with not getting this job back, but I have to know because I have to get another job if I don’t get this one back. And the school year is rapidly approaching (the school year begins early august here) and there are already very very few teaching positions available in non-public schools (I’m not being a snob, I’m not certified to teach in a public school here- Louisiana doesn’t have reciprocity with California teaching credentials, because, you know, they hold their public schools to a much higher standard…).

I also haven’t seen my husband since Tuesday and I only saw him for about 15 minutes then while we scarfed down dinner and then I dashed off to class. He’s on a rotation now that requires him to be up at 4 in the morning, so he’s asleep well before I get home at 10. While I know this is what needs to happen for his education and I support him whole-heartedly and am proud of him for working so hard, I also just miss him. You know? It’s not like I can’t go a few days without seeing him, because I can. But it just sucks that he is home at night, he’s not out of town and yet, I can’t spend any time with him.

And of course, the summer school class continues to rape my mind of any and all focus. I’m finding the math part to be really enjoyable, it’s the memorizing it for daily quizzes that I’m hating. And of course, the complete irrationality of my professor. We’re taking the course at a satellite campus from the main campus and she told us she would post the answer key to the test outsider her office at the main campus so that we’d have to “work to get the answers.” I’m not going to lie and say I was polite about disagreeing with this. It makes sense to ask us to spend time studying and to spend time reviewing the answer. It does not make sense to ask us to spend 30 minutes each way in the car to copy down an answer key that could just as easily be posted outside of the door of the CLASSROOM WE’RE SITTING IN. I won. And also, last night, she declared that she’d be grading homework for completion, so double victory. I think I’m next going to suggest that she just give us all As and call it a day.

Anyways, so I’m going to go back to half studying while compulsively checking my email just in case there’s any news. Which there won’t be. Because this is my life.

From one rant to another.

I know I said I’d stop talking so much about the job, but honestly, I’m losing my freaking mind. I contacted my old job on Tuesday and there have been emails sent from my boss since then (general emails sent to the whole staff), so I know she’s in the office or at least checking emails. And yet, not a word to me. I alternate trying to figure out what this means. Would she just tell me if they weren’t going to hire me back? Could they be looking at the job openings and trying to figure out if I could fit any of them? Are they outright ignoring me for leaving them?

I sent an email this morning indicating that I’d like to meet in person to discuss this and asking for a good time to meet (calling and setting up an appointment is virtually impossible) and have yet to hear anything. I know I’m being impatient, but it’s July 6th, schools here start in about a month and if I can’t get my job back then I have GOT to start applying elsewhere. I’m not applying until I hear from my old job because I know if they caught wind of me applying for teaching jobs before I spoke with them that that bridge would be incinerated

I’ve got a list of places to apply to, a resume typed up and am just waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And possibly losing my mind. I don’t mind going back to teaching, this is not a huge deal, but being jobless, that IS a huge deal. I need a job, and for my sanity’s sake, I need it really soon.

I feel like I’m living in a land of helplessness. I can’t seem to keep anything in my life in control lately and I do not like this one bit.

So it’s taken care of.

Yes, telling the employer today was probably not the wisest decision, and it’s not that I’m not listening to your advice, I just know my conscience is not going to be okay with this, so I did what I thought to be right. He didn’t offer me more money when I explained the situation, which is fine, I wouldn’t have been able to take it, but it definitely made me feel a little better (you know, not guilting him into that). I’m still getting paid for my teaching job through August and have health insurance until September 1st, so I have some time to sort it out. I will still be able to get the clinical experience I need to apply to grad programs, it’ll just be volunteer hours, which is fine.

On the upside, now I can start studying for the GRE and my insane Chemistry class where we have a quiz every day and a test every 4th day. It’s doable, especially now that I have copious amounts of free time. I’m still waiting to hear from my old job, but I am thankfully qualified to teach a number of subjects, so if I can’t get that job back, there’s a reasonable chance I can get a different one. It’s certainly not all taken care of my any means, but I’m done with being angstful about it. It’s going to work out, perhaps not as easily or neatly as I want it to, but it will and until then, I’m going to do what I need to do and be fine.

Tomorrow will be back to all wedding pictures all the time. Thanks for listening to my ranting and for offering advice, even when I didn’t take it.

Crap.

So, I may or may not have mentioned that I failed to ask my employer about my pay rate for the new job. Frankly, at the time it didn’t much matter because this was the only job opening I found in the position I needed and I couldn’t get a moment alone with him to ask not in front of the patients. Today, I finally got that opportunity and I found out.

The pay is not unreasonable, the fact is, I’m not doing much work, but I’m also not working enough hours to overcome that. In fact, this job will pay me less than $10,000 dollars a year, which is an especially big problem when you consider that just my rent and car payments/insurance add up to approximately $6,500 and that I’ll be paying entirely out of pocket for health insurance (which last year cost around $8,000 for a year). What all this is adding up to is negative numbers.

And me resuming my teaching job.

This is not ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world. Where I’m having the most trouble (besides all the groveling I just did to try and get my old job back, fingers crossed) is with this new job. The person I’m replacing is leaving mid-July, and they hired me under the belief that I’d be working most of the year. In reality, in light of the pay, I’m only going to be able to work for about a month, regardless of whether I get my old teaching job back or not, because that’s when my paychecks stop and I’ll need a job that pays more money.

So do I tell them now? My moral compass says yes, though my logical/fiscally concerned side says no. The moral side is winning right now. They should have the right to hire and train someone well, someone who will work for the entire year, someone who will be able to stay for a while. I don’t think I can live with myself and go to work each morning if I know that I’m going to be handing in my 2 weeks notice, in um, like 3 weeks. It just doesn’t jive with me. I know it’s not a very wise decision financially, but I just think I can’t live with myself otherwise.

I don’t know when I’ll hear back from my old job, but I’m likely going to speak with my new boss tomorrow. Is that a stupid decision? Probably, but in the end, I have to be able to live with myself and I know that my conscience won’t let me live with this if I am not honest about it.

It’s really sad because I really enjoyed what I was doing. Really it was a great first day. And it seems like probably a great last one too.

So I had to be at work by 9 and because I didn’t know how long it would take to get to good ole Kenner I left at 7:45 (okay 7:55 whatever). It’s now 8:35 and I’ve been inconspicuously sitting in my car outside the new job for 20 minutes already. Whoops.

The good news is that my iPod now has Internet access so I can entertain myself with that every morning until I figure out what a semi reasonable time to leave is. Or at least have my panic attacks from the privacy of my own car.

Okay, so still in Hawaii for another day and a half, but felt somewhat compelled to write something because the Father’s Day post was still staring at me (Slappy is still sleeping, for the record, so I’m not taking time away from him for this) and perhaps I have a small blogging/technology addiction. Whatever. I just wanted to give you a rough idea of what’s coming up both here and generally in my life, because after this beautiful Hawaiian vacation, things are going to hell in a specially woven handbasket.

We got our wedding pictures today (online) and eventually I’ll share a few with you. There will be at least a good couple of wedding blogs, many good honeymoon blogs (also with pictures) and then I’m sure several ranting blogs about what’s happening next.

After a few more days in Los Angeles, we will be driving back to good old NOLA. 3 days in the car, 800+ miles of mother freaking Texas, and then we will finally be home. Don’t get me wrong, this vacation and the time in California has been priceless, but I miss my home and friends and my cat and I’ll be glad to sleep in my own (I guess OUR own) bed. This plan puts us home sometime late next week depending upon how much of Texas we ignore the speed limit through.

Then on June 30th, I have a gynecologist appointment, a dentist appointment (3 cavities to be filled) and possibly a date with a shotgun. Seriously, that day is going to blow, but my new! job starts the next day and it needed to be done so I don’t give that great first impression of asking for time off. I also have an appointment with the boob doctor on like the 3rd because she couldn’t fit herself into doctor appointment Monday, but for inquiring minds, we’re in a holding pattern. That is, no matter what I do, it continues to hurt and leak and ooze. And I’ve now finished round 4 of ass kicking antibiotics, and seem to be infection-free, so that is certainly good news. I have a sneaking suspicion that when I go in there we’re going to later, rinse and repeat the same thing as last time. I’m guessing she’s going to re-silver nitrate it and I’m going to continue packing it until it decides to close. Which right now, at 2 months post surgery, seems like it might be never.

Anywho, on July 1st, I report to my new job at 9am. Yikes (p.s. NOLA peeps, how long will it take me to get from uptown to Kenner by 9 in the morning? Is there a better route than the interstate? Heeeeeelp me). I will get out sometime around 4ish (I get out more like 6ish MWF) and then have my first night of summer session Chemistry II from 7 to 10. Yea, let that soak in for a while. MTWTh from 7-10pm for 4 weeks. If I post something completely incomprehensible on July 25th, just assume I’ve consumed massive quantities of alcohol in celebration with being done with that class because I’m pretty sure it’s going to hand me my ass.

Once that’s over, I’ll have 2 weeks to study, fast and furious style for the GRE, take that, not suck at it, and then begin my regular fall classes, which include child psychology and microbiology, both online, but with a Tuesday 7-10 lab on campus. Things should settle down for me nicely once classes start, but I’ve got one mean month before that happens.

Some of you may be wondering if this was a long way of saying that I was taking a blogging break, and just so you know, you’d be wrong. All this really means is that you can expect a lot of blogs in capital letters about Texas, a lot of general pondering about how the hell to do Chemistry and I’m sure nice (and undoubtedly correct) usage of GRE vocabulary. If anything, I think this blog is about to get more smarterer.

Yep, we’re going to get our education on. But not until after we get our wedding and hooneymoon on first.

besides slightly bummed that only one person commented on my stressed out post yesterday. Harumpf.

Anyways, today I got:

-Wii Fit! It was my birthday present, but Nintendo pushed the release date back from my birthday to today, so now we have it and it’s awesomely awesome. Except that somehow, my fitness age is 29 and The Fiance’s is his actual age. So. not. fair.

-An appointment with the boob doctor (for Thursday), who is apparently back in town. When I explained the situation to the nurse (I’m not going to explain to you, just trust me when I tell you that you don’t really want to know) her response was, oh yes, you definitely need to come in. Think lots of no-more-stitches thoughts for me.

-Thai Food! And it was as good as last time, perhaps better. Seriously, you must go there and you must eat the calamari appetizer.

-And last, but not least, A JOB. I’m starting July 1st. It’s exactly the job I needed and wanted and I’m so freaking stoked, I can’t even begin to tell you.

So that post about you being right and me being wrong, yea, it’s going to have to wait another day. Tomorrow, I promise!

So you may have noticed from the last post, that I am looking for a new job. It occurred to me that I haven’t really talked a whole lot about my career change here, and frankly, it’s been on my mind a lot lately, so, we’re going to talk about it. More funny tomorrow, I promise.

When I got to college, I was all about being a lawyer. I wanted to save the world, become president and bring about the all-elusive world peace. With time and age, I realized that I was a lunatic. I could not save the world, I would not be president, and I could not produce peace, despite my deep desire to. And about that time, the registrar sent me an email that said, you must declare your major by Friday or we’ll start fining you until you do. Er. Hrm.

So I looked at my transcript, which read like a palate of different flavored classes: Economics, History, English, Diplomacy and World Affairs, Cognitive Science, Geology, etc. And then I found which category had the most units, and that subject became my major. And that, friends, is how I came to get a Bachelor’s in History. I do enjoy history, but it has become evident since my graduation from college 3 years ago that it is not a very functional degree. I can be a student working toward something else, or I can be a teacher.

For a long time, I thought I wanted to be the latter. I minored in education and began a credential program in California right after college. And from day 1, I was great at it. I know that sounds really boastful, but there are very few things I am naturally good at, and teaching was just one of them. I could write a mean lesson plan, I could be creative and I could get a point across. It also become evident almost as quickly, that I hated teaching. Well, maybe not hated, but definitely did not enjoy it.

I tried to convince my family that I had made a horrible mistake and that I needed to stop before I got myself farther into debt than I already was, but everyone insisted on and on that I see the program through and give it a try (my mother, father and step-mother were all teachers and are now all administrators). So I did. Mostly just because what the hell else could I do? So I got a teaching credential and a job. I have now taught for 2 years, the same subject (oddly not history) to the same age students. And in 6 work days, I will officially be unemployed. I will be a retired teacher. I will be part of the statistic about teachers who quit within the first 5 years of starting.

Teaching is such a remarkably noble profession. I wish it was for me, I really do. The students absolutely kill me, there’s not a day that goes by that one of them doesn’t say something that almost knocks me over with laughter. When a student raised her hand and asked me what a “pah-shio” was the other day, I simultaneously laughed and cringed when I discovered that the word was, in fact, patio. But in all seriousness, I love relating to them, helping them, being a support for them. But I do not like teaching them. I cannot handle students who waste their potential. I cannot handle laziness. I cannot handle quitting. I never realized before how big of a problem this was for me than I did today when I was grading a quiz where a student had given up and written the answer “I don’t know” in the blank space for the answer. Some of these kids are wasting their potential and it just rips me up inside. I’ve learned that though I genuinely want the best for them, I really cannot provide it. I can’t motivate the unmotivated and I can’t stand aside and let them fail either.

I want to make a difference, and I think that’s why I thought I might make a good teacher. And I have arguably been a fairly good teacher. I have gotten through the curriculum with time to spare and am seeing great improvements in my students’ standardized test scores. I’ve taught them. I’ve imparted wisdom. But being good at it just isn’t making it fulfilling. I have not once in the past year and a half, awakened in the morning excited to go to work. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really only go because I know I have to. Because I’m out of sick days (and then some). Because I need to get a paycheck. Because I signed a contract and I will keep my word.

About a year ago I realized that my passion wasn’t gone, it was just somewhere else. Somewhere that required more schooling, learning, training and time. So I’ve been taking 2 classes and a lab each semester to try and get everything I need to eventually enter this new program. If everything goes according to plan (which it almost never does) and I’m able to get into a program in the same place that The Fiance matches, I will graduate from this new program at the age of 29. I will have taken out more loans than I can even really calculate in my head right now and more than anything else, I hope to God I will find the fulfillment I have been so desperately searching for.

In 6 work days I will finish packing up my classroom, I will turn in my gradebook and teacher’s edition textbook and I will drive away from my job, my coworkers, my students and hopefully, dive headfirst into something completely new. It feels like for the first time I’m finally doing what I WANT to do, instead of what I’ve been told I need to do. It’s like I’m finally in control of my life.

And I’m scared out of my mind and thrilled, all at the same time.

So last week I got on the phone and called up 10-15 different businesses in the field I’m trying to get a job in for later in the summer and next year. About half of them had no openings, 5 of them told me to fax in a resume and 1 asked me to fill out an application in person.

So on Sunday, which was very decidedly errand day, I went to Kinkos and faxed my resumes all over the city. Have not heard a peep from anyone, though I’m not all that surprised. Today, a day with no doctor’s appointments (finally), I was finally able to make it out to the place where I had to fill out an application in person.

Now, first, this place is in Kenner, which is about as far from my home as you can get without crossing the lake, but that’s fine, that’s something I can deal with later. It is on this mythical magical road that everyone talks about and I cannot ever find. Seriously, this particular street traverses like the entire length of Metairie and Kenner, and I’ve never ever managed to get myself on it. So you can imagine my surprise when I made a left and suddenly was on the street. It was a driving miracle, and those NEVER happen to me. I once got caught in the middle of a parade on a Wednesday afternoon in the French Quarter when I was trying to find Veteran’s Blvd. That’s what usually happens, so seriously, a miracle it was.

I did still managed to get lost, but I arrived with plenty of time, filled out my application, attached my resume and gave it to the receptionist who said, “let me give it to the owner and see if he wants to meet with you now.” Oh. Okay. Totally had not mentally prepared myself for that. I did the quick check of the teeth, finger brushed the hair. Tried to cover the mustard stain on my pants and then met him.

Truly, I’ve never seen a man smile as much as he did. He asked me a few questions related to the job and my life and said that I seemed like a great fit. He wants me to come in next week for 2 hours and work there just to see how I interact with the people. He hugged me on my way out (I know, I’m not really a touchy-feeling person, but you hug a man who might offer you a job, no questions asked) and I’m going to call and see if I can come in on Wednesday (if I can move my gynecologist appointment. Or you know, cancel it. Either way. Yea, I’m a super hypocrite, I know, but if the choice is potential job or being violated, I’m always going to pick potential job) for probably the 2 most nerve wracking hours of my life so far.

Seriously, never has anything gone this smoothly. Like never. I’m waiting for the piano to come crashing out of the sky or for my arm to fall off or something. This is so not my life, but damn if I’m not enjoying the hell out of it.

I don’t have much time to type out another spectacularly boring post like last night, but I did want to leave you with a little jewel of my week while I head off to study my weekend away.

Yesterday, I was trying to get everything put away to get off to the pre-op appointment and a student came into my room. I won’t lie, generally speaking, this kid bugs me. I know that sounds terrible, they’re all little angels, but some of them make me want to scream and she is one of those.

Student: Ms. Mylastname, I’ve missed your class a lot this past week.
Me: Yes you have.
Student: And I’m going to be gone on Monday.
Me: You have a test coming up, Monday is the review.
Student: Oh, well, I won’t be there. Or Wednesday either.
Me: (with obviously frustration) So where exactly is it that you have to be?
Student: My grandmother’s funeral.

Yea. I know. It was pretty bad. Really bad. Perhaps on the verge of bitchy. Hard to say.