Archive for the ‘The Serious’ Category

I made it through the entire day today without realizing. I mean, I wrote the date on a piece of paper, I even moved my watch date forward, but it still didn’t register. Which is really odd since changing the date on my watch will always make me think of my grandfather, sitting in his chair in his living room, saying some curse word at his watch when he was trying to change the date to March 1st as we sat around him, reeling.

Today is March 1st.

And while that may not be especially significant to most of you, it’s a day that my family knows well. Nine years ago today, my grandma died.

I truly can’t believe it’s been 9 years, and I know I say that each year, but it continues to amaze me. It feels like just yesterday but also a little like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was just me, but this Christmas was one of the hardest without her, and the past 8 have been anything but easy. I feel like our family is changing somehow and all I want to do is go back in time, spend a Christmas with her and savor it.

I want one more day, one more conversation, one more game of dwindle, even though I hate that game. I want just one more moment with her or one more chance to tell her how much I love her and how much she has meant to me. And it still brings me to tears that I can’t have that. That I can’t have any more of her.

The fact I’ve now lived a third of my life without my grandma mystifies me. And I don’t know how I’m going to go about having kids without her in my life.

My grandma was above all else, a mother. She raised 5 kids, and every single one of them graduated from college, every single one of them made something of themselves and I think that says a lot about her. She worked as a labor and delivery nurse until she was around 70 years old. She spent her last 5 years on this earth giving food to those who needed it. She had compassion that I can barely begin to grasp and she cared so much for others that it was captivating to watch her.

She wanted the best for everyone. She wanted us to be happy and safe all the time. She bought little trinket gifts everywhere she went, she organized, hosted and cooked family dinners more times than I can begin to count. It’s not to say that she never took any time for herself, but her family, her friends, others around her were so incredibly important to her. She loved fiercely and she made sure we always knew how loved we were.

I think the greatest testament that I can say to her is that each year when March 1st comes and goes, I feel devastated all over again because this world is missing one of the best people it ever had. The world is better for her having been in it and it’s quieter for her absence now. And it will never be the same again.

Each year I try to take some time and glean something from the 365 days that I’ve survived without this woman in my life and even 9 years later, there are still things I’m learning from her. There are things deep in my memory and it makes me sad how fuzzy some of the memories have become. How I can’t remember the sound of her voice anymore or how soft her skin was. I hate that I can barely remember the way she used to do the voices in her favorite book or the song she sang every time we got on the swing in her backyard.

Each year a little more of her is gone and I feel like the only thing I can do is try, each year, to be a little more like her because the world needs more of what she was. I feel that the least I can do is learn a lesson from her life and pass it on to my cousins, the ones who never met her and my children who will never know the amazing woman who took care of an amazing family. I was so blessed to have her in my life and I never want to forget the life, the happiness, the memories that she gave me.

I really wasn’t sure what my lesson was going to be this year, and to be honest, I’ve been having trouble facing another year, another milestone. But I think the only way I can honor her this year is by doing the things she would be doing if she was still here. I want to help others. I want to give to those who need care right now, to those who need someone to be a mother to them, like she was a mother to so many. My funds and time are limited, but my ability to help is not.

Tonight, on the 9th anniversary of her death, I’m making a donation to Friends of Maddie. My grandma helped deliver hundreds of babies in her life and I know that if she was here, she’d love the heart of this organization and the care, love and support they provides families who desperately need it.

My grandma was a caregiver. She gave everything she had to anyone who needed it. And while it might take me a lifetime to live up to the legacy of love she has left behind, I’m taking a first step, of many, tonight. If I can make a fraction of the impact she made on peoples’ lives, if I can give to others a fraction of what she gave, then maybe I’ll feel like the world isn’t missing her as badly. Maybe I’ll feel like someday, we’ll really be okay without her.

But until then, I’ll try to live each day to make her proud, to give to others whenever I can and to share her heart with the world. Because we desperately need more people like my grandma in this world.

I’m angry at the universe right now. I guess I’m mostly angry at God, but I’m hesitant to call Him out because I don’t know what the consequences of that might be.

In 2010, my cousin (who is in his mid-40s) was diagnosed with aggressive colon cancer. He has since had chemo, radiation, a very invasive surgery and is now back on chemo. He is doing incredibly well and frankly most of the time makes me feel like a whiner because he is just so damn optimistic. He handles his struggles with grace, but it’s just so wrong to me that he has to handle them at all.

I just can’t help but think that it’s not fair.

In January, I found out that my step-grandfather has prostate cancer. As far as we know, the cancer is contained and slow growing, but he is having surgery in February and treatment will proceed from there. I have known this man for half my life and I can tell you, honestly, that there is no one kinder. He welcomed us into his family as if we were his grandchildren and it just makes me so sad to know that he and his wife (who I also love) have to deal with this.

It’s not fair.

Later in January, I found out that Jackie, who I met via Heather, has had a recurrence of her brain tumor. Yes, more cancer. If you’ve never met Jackie, you are absolutely missing out. She is one of those insanely kind people who you cannot imagine anyone not loving. Her prognosis is not what we want, in fact, it’s kind of the opposite. She’s preparing to face a struggle that I can only barely begin to imagine.

It’s just really not fair.

And then last night, I found out that Sue, who has been a commenter here for as long as I can remember, has had a recurrence of her cancer. It’s in her brain and she’s starting a new treatment soon. If you haven’t read her comments, Sue is kind and caring and she leaves comments on here that simultaneously lift me up and challenge me to try harder. Half the time my mom or aunt will tell me that they were going to comment on something, but Sue already covered it. I kind of feel like she’s my internet mom, and I’m scared for her. And I’m sad because she shouldn’t have to go through more pain.

It’s just so incredibly not fair.

There is so much pain and suffering among the people I love, and I am feeling a little lost by it all. I don’t understand how so many great people are having to endure such pain, fear and ugliness. How is there reason in this? How can we sit by and not be outraged? I can’t.

I don’t understand how these terrible things are happening to good people. I don’t know how to trust in a higher power or in a plan that doesn’t make any sense. It is wrong that these people are suffering, that they are struggling when they deserve so much happiness, when they deserve a freaking break. It doesn’t make sense that people who bring so much light and joy and love into this world, end up fighting for their place in it.

And I am tired of this. I feel helpless to do anything for the people I love, to help those who struggle and suffer burdens they do not deserve. There is no reason any more, there is no sense, no understanding.

And I’ve just had enough. I want answers, and if I can’t have answers, then I want peace. Peace for the people I love, for the people who deserve a break, for the people who deserve something better than what they are being forced to deal with.

Enough already. Do you hear me?

Last night I read a post by The Bloggess about stepping forward and acknowledging mental illness. She wrote about a woman whose husband recently committed suicide because he never took the time to take care of himself. It’s a story that is both tragic and terrifying.

So I’m speaking out too, because I can.

I have struggled with anxiety since I was 12 and depression and an eating disorder since I was 18. I have been on medication almost continuously for the past 9 years even though I never wanted to be on it in the first place.

The first time I was hit by anxiety, I didn’t know it had a name. I was in the 7th grade and I missed weeks of school. I couldn’t be left alone, I couldn’t manage going out in public. It was such a terrible feeling and nothing I did, nothing we tried made any difference. It was months before I wasn’t scared all the time, and though things got better, it took a very long time and the feelings always simmered quietly under the surface.

When I started college, my life came to a screeching halt.

I hated it. I wanted to go home. I missed my family, I missed my home. I was miserable. I cried all the time. There were days where I didn’t do anything except go to my classes and come home and cry. I can barely count how many phone calls I made, sobbing, from my dorm room. In just a few weeks, I could not see the sun from behind the clouds of my depression, my world was upside down.

There was a night in September where I had a huge headache from non-stop crying. I grabbed my Costco bottle of Advil and poured a few out. Then I poured a few more. I looked at my handful of Advil and I sat down on my bed.

I had an out.

A horrible awful out that I hadn’t thought of before.

I didn’t know what to do. I was so miserable. I was hopelessly sad. I didn’t want to keep fighting. But I didn’t know if I could do it.

I sat there for what felt like ages. Then I looked around me and saw pictures. Pictures of my family, pictures of my friends. Pictures of people who loved me and who I loved back. Pictures of people who were there for me and who would be as lost without me as I would be without them. And slowly I poured the pills back in the bottle, called my mom and a week later was on medication. It took a while, but things began to turn around. There is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t think of that night, that I don’t realize that having people to turn to, having people who loved me, saved my life.

In the 9 years since that night, I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. I have gone through phases of terrifying anxiety and days of subtle depression, depression I didn’t realize until it was treated accidentally by a headache medication. What I’ve learned through these past 9 years is that this is a life-long battle. I can’t just decide that I’m not going to feel hopeless or not feel panicked to the point of not breathing. If I could, if any of us could, we wouldn’t need help.

But we do. We cannot do this alone.

My only hope in writing this today is that those of you who are in that place, who are considering an out, know that there are people who care about you. People who would be lost without you. People who want you to take care of yourself, and soon. I’m one of them. I want you to take care of yourself.

As someone who fought long and hard against taking medication, please listen to me, because I understand what you’re feeling. But that voice in your head telling you that medication and therapy mean you have failed? That voice is wrong. There is nothing wrong with needing help- whether it is medicinal or from a therapist or both. We all need help sometimes and this is bigger than you. It’s a fight you cannot win on your own, and you don’t have to.

I fought depression and I almost lost. You cannot do this alone, so speak up. Someone is listening.

47 and a half years ago, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave a speech in front of a crowd of people. He spoke eloquently of the hopes he held for his children, of the hopes he held for this country. He spoke about the things that divide us and the things that could bring us back together.

Martin Luther King Jr. lived in a world that was not so different from our world today. It was a time of political turmoil where the differences that separated people seemed enormous. It was a time where many were fighting for rights that others never had to give a second thought to, that seemed so very basic. It was a time when violence was common, when people were overcome by anger, by confusion. Where the whole country seemed on the brink of war.

And yet, Dr. King stood amidst the churning seas of violence and he preached non-violence to his followers, even when others were violent to them.

As I read the news today, stores of those in Tucson, stories of those around the world, I was overcome by disappointment. I think if Martin Luther King Jr. was alive today, he would be disappointed. Yes, civil rights were extended to African Americans in the United States, but the violence of the political parties, the refusal to give fairly basic rights to homosexuals scream out at me. We can do better than this.

We can extend rights to people so that when my children are old enough to marry, they can marry whoever it is they love, regardless of gender. We can extend non-violence and use diplomacy so that my children will never know a world where politics is ever even considered to be a source of violence. We can love each other, we can support each other.

We can do better. And I think we owe it to those who came before us, those who fought for what we have today, what we don’t give a second thought to, to try harder. I can’t wait for the day where Dr. Kings dreams are realized. Where children will live in a nation where all men are truly created equal. Where “‘justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

He had a dream. Let’s keep fighting for it.

Almost as soon as the shooting in Arizona was reported by the news on Saturday, accusations began floating across the internet. Soon those accusations were backed up by pictures and quotes, others were hurled out without the benefit of research. It was a mess to watch unfold.

People began to see images like the map and tweet below and things only got worse from there.

Sarah Palin’s camp has come out to say that the map and the slogan were about voting, not about violence, but I struggle to see that. I don’t know about you, but when I see pictures of cross hairs or when I hear the word reload, my first thought could hardly be farther from a ballot.

That said, I don’t think Sarah Palin and the Tea Party are responsible for this shooting and I think we need to stop blaming them. There’s no evidence suggesting that the shooter ever saw these images, let alone that they inspired him to open fire on those people. We need to stop jumping to conclusions.

BUT…

We need to question whether a young person could have been influenced by those types of things, because I don’t think the idea is all that far fetched. We need to consider the effect that images like that, that words like those could have on young people. We need to consider if we’ve taken politics a little too far.

I think that we should all stand up and demand that this stops. I think that the Palin camp needs to stop silently scrubbing their images from the internet and pretending like they were never there. They need to stand up, acknowledge that this tragedy has taught them that they need to be more conscious of their images. It doesn’t mean that they need to accept blame for what happened, they simply need to acknowledge that they were wrong in using gun images to grab voters.

And they are not the only ones responsible. For examples of violence propagated by democrats, see here and here (and thanks to commenters for supplying those examples).

We all need to stop saying that we want to kill people, even if it’s meant to be humerus. We need to teach our children the value of discourse instead of the value of tearing down those we disagree with and we need to do that by setting an example. We need to learn the power of our words- both in how bad they can make things and in how amazing they can be when used for good.

We need to stop blaming Sarah Palin and the Tea Party movement for the tragedy in Tucson, but we need to hold them, and others who inadvertently advocate violence, accountable for the damage they could’ve done. We need to make sure that we all stop with violent images, stop with language that incites violence and start using words and images that focus on the issues we care about.

We need to teach our children that we don’t need to hate those who think differently that we do. Our lives are too precious to spend so much time and energy on hate. And there’s way too much at stake to not remove the violence from our children’s lives.

We owe it to the victims and families of those in Tucson to make sure this never happens again.

I’m writing this with advanced knowledge that a lot of you are going to disagree with me. I’m okay with that, and hopefully we can all handle this as mature adults.

Though the news is still coming in, what we know so far is that 18 people were shot today in Arizona. CNN is reporting that 6 of them are dead, including a 9 year old child and a chief judge. And as I watched the news, I couldn’t help but find myself questioning the lack of gun control and how this man acquired a gun in the first place.

Yes, gun control. I’m going there.

I was talking with some friends about gun control and several of them indicated that they didn’t think that changing the laws would do any good because criminals would just get guns illegally. And I was kind of taken aback. I get that people are disenchanted by the government now, I really do, but do we really think it’s not worth even trying some gun control because it’s going to be difficult? I mean, people get cocaine illegally, should we just legalize all drugs and give up trying to keep our children away from them?

And more than a few people today have quoted the very famous line that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, but I want to consider that for a second.

Today a young man went into a grocery store and shot 18 people before he was tackled by a bystander and arrested. How many people do you think he would’ve been able to injure if he only had a knife? Or if he had to place an explosive device on the grounds of the grocery store without being seen? I can only guess, but I’m pretty sure that the casualty count would be considerably lower.

Guns may not kill people, but people with guns absolutely and tragically do. We saw that today.

I’m not advocating that we get rid of all guns, but for the life of me, I cannot understand why anyone needs an automatic weapon. I can understand rifles for hunting, I can sort of understand a hand gun for protection in your home, but not automatic weapons. Don’t tell me that for protection you need to shoot 20 bullets in 9 seconds. Don’t tell me that in order to hunt animals you need to be able to hold a trigger down and shoot 30 bullets without pausing. That’s bullshit and we all know it. Automatic guns do not need to be legal, they do not need to be available for purchase and I think it’s absolutely insane that they are.

But more than that, I wonder how many people have successfully disarmed an intruder with a gun verses how many people have been shot and killed by one in any given year. Maybe I’m assuming too much, but I’m pretty sure that the latter would far exceed the former and it just makes me wonder who these guns are really protecting.

I’m just tired of violence. I’m tired of how easy it is for someone who is unhappy with something in their life to get a gun and use it to kill someone. I’m tired of how easy it is for people who are clearly mentally unstable to acquire an absolutely deadly weapon. I’m tired of how often guns are in the headlines, how many lives have been lost because of them.

I don’t know the answer to the problem of guns (and yes, it IS a problem). But I know that it’s not to just ignore the situation. I know that it’s not to stand behind a grossly misinterpreted 2nd Amendment and shout about constitutional rights instead of considering the safety of our neighbors, of our children. Doing nothing hasn’t worked, we’ve had decades of that. There are family members all over Arizona who can personally attest to the fact that doing nothing, that being lax on guns, isn’t keeping anyone safe.

So I’m left wondering tonight, what is it going to take for us to make a change? How many more 9 year olds have to perish before we realize the harm we’re causing by ignoring the danger of guns? And how can we watch the news and hear of these tragedies and still be opposed to gun control?

I just don’t understand.

Today my husband and I attended the memorial service for my friend Tiffany’s mom. Tiffany runs the camp where I met my husband, and she was the one that told him, the day after we met, that we would get married someday. She supported us through every step of our relationship and we were so blessed to have her at our wedding. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that Tiff isn’t technically a part of our family because most of the time she feels like it.

When she told us that her mother passed away suddenly just before Christmas, I was nothing short of heartbroken for her. Her mother was young, she would’ve been 58 today, and she had been married to her husband for 39 years. There is nothing about this story that isn’t completely tragic.

I didn’t know Tiffany’s mom. I believe I met her once, but I didn’t need to know her. Because I know Tiffany, and her sister. I know the generous hearts they have, the love they give to others. It doesn’t take much to figure out that they must’ve come from a family that was filled with love for one another.

Sitting at the service today, I listened to many people talk about Peggy. I heard them recount stories of her being the baby of the family, I heard them talk about how often Tiffany got in trouble. But what I heard the most, and what I will walk away from this experience with, was how freely and completely Tiffany’s mom gave love to others. Her employer spoke and read from a binder containing hundreds of emails from people who worked with Peggy from all over the world. Family and friends shared memories. We cried together because this world has lost a beautiful, loving person.

And sitting there it really hit me how much we impact the lives of others. How a simple gesture of love, a reminder of how much you care, can go a very long way.

I can only barely begin to imagine the pain my friend and her family are in right now. The shock, the fear and the sadness. But I also know that they are a family so full of love that they will carry each other through this. And when they can’t, there are many other people, people who may not technically be family, but people who are and will continue to be there for them.

Because love is greater than any obstacle, I learned that from Peggy today.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about being ready to leave 2010 behind. About wanting a clean slate and about wanting to forget these past 12 months altogether. And there have been days where I have wanted to do the same. But as I’ve been standing on the doorstep of the next year, I’ve realized that 2010 has not been a year I want to forget.

I feel like of the past 5 years, this has been the year where I got back to the person I remember being. Yes, I spent a lot of 2010 in a lot of pain, but the days when I wasn’t, I was more me than I have been in a while. I feel whole again, whole in a way I haven’t in a long time. I feel less discombobulated, less afraid of tomorrow. True, I have no idea what to expect of it, but I feel prepared to take on the next day(s) and I’m not sure I ever had such confidence in 2009.

But that said, I have some pretty hefty expectations of 2011.

There is a lot I am hoping to accomplish this year. There are big life milestones I want to accomplish, there is a plan in place that cannot yet be divulged. There are fears too, because there always are, but what I walk into 2011 with is hope. Hope of a fulfilling, tranquil year. Hope of answers to questions that loom. Hope of growth in mind and in spirit.

And because I know that hope is useless without action, I’m planning to do my part. Yes, the resolutions. I am fantastic at failing on resolutions. It’s kind of my thing. And I’m not going to promise to do better this year, I’m just going to promise to try.

This year I want to be healthier. That is, I want to control all the things I can control when it comes to my health. This means more exercise, it means less excessive carbohydrate intake and better monitoring of protein and fruits and veggies. This means being more diligent about brushing my teeth well and actually occasionally pulling out a piece of floss and running it through my teeth. It means remembering to take my vitamins more than 3 days a week.

I do not expect perfection from myself and I won’t berate myself for not achieving it. I will give serious consideration to my many promises to seek psychological counseling this year, because though I know I need it, I haven’t been able to get myself to go. I will be less harsh on myself for grades and performances. I will be proud of what I’ve done, not proud with a little asterisk that says, yea, but I could’ve done better.

Standing at precipice of this new year does not scare me. Looking back at 2010 does not anger or sadden me. Both directions are filled with good, and I’m excited to move forward into 2011, remembering with gratitude the things and people in 2010 that have carried me here, to where I am now.

Happy New Year to all of you. I hope that 2011 brings new or continued peace, love and joy to your lives.

Since I started this headache medication which, sidenote really isn’t working all that well for my headaches anymore, I’ve been amazed at how much happier I am. I was already having fewer panic attacks than usual when I started the meds and since starting it, I haven’t had to take a single fast acting anxiety pill.

This is by far the longest I’ve gone without one in 6 years

But, even in the absence of the all consuming panic attacks, I’ve noticed that my mind is in a constant state of worry.

I don’t hyperventilate, I don’t sweat and shake. But I can’t turn off the fear. All week my brain has had this background noise of worry about driving home. The combination of the almost non-stop rain in California, driving at night, and having to get my younger sister there safely scared the hell out of me. All I could think about was all the different ways I was going to crash the car and kill us both. If I didn’t find a way to occupy every single moment of my time, that fear is directly where my mind went.

I made the drive last night and yes, it was scary, but we made it. And seamlessly, my mind has switched from worrying about my drive to worrying about my husband driving up here on Friday, even though there’s no predicted rain or any real reason for worry. I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if something happened to him.

It’s almost as if things are going too well in my life right now. It’s as if my mind can’t just be satisfied with the idea that it’s okay to relax and enjoy this. Instead, I have to think about all the ways it could go wrong. I’ve tried to turn it off, to relax and quit worrying, but I can’t. The worry is on perpetual loop in my brain and nothing I do can stop it from continuing to play.

I just wish there was an easy way to pause or mute it for while. To take a break from fear. To let my mind rest for a while and enjoy that life is going well, instead of worry about how it’s going to come crumbling down.

If you live under a rock or don’t follow the news, you may not know that there has been a nonstop stream of stories about the TSA and their new body scanners and pat downs. People are mortality offended that they have to go through these screenings and as usual, I have a different perspective.

Here’s the thing- I think that the increased security, no matter how inconvenient or icky, is a good thing.

You and I? We are good people. We don’t put bombs in our shoes or in our underwear. We don’t hide knifes in our bras or sneak box cutters onto planes in a secret compartment of our carry on bags. We are not why there are increased security measures.

But there are people in this world who are not as good as we are, people who do awful things, who have brought us to this point.

Part of belonging to this country is giving up some individual freedoms for the collective good of the country. Yes, it kind of sucks, but it’s what we do in this country. It’s part of what we founded our government on.

Honestly, I would welcome a full body pat down or a creepy body scan if it kept me safe. If it kept my family and friends and other good people safe, I’d line up, minimal questions asked. And honestly, for the life of me, I cannot understand why no one else seems to feel this way. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, it’s unpleasant, but maybe, just maybe, this will save others from the tragedy that we watched unfold on September 11th. Maybe it will make us save and it will protect us from the crappy people in this world.

My husband suggested that once a month the TSA shouldn’t do any screening at all and then see how many people would get on a plane that day. You couldn’t get me within a 50 mile radius of those planes. And I’m pretty sure most people would feel the same.

So I’m asking, can someone please explain to me why we can’t just suck it up and deal with a pat down, deal with an x-ray and fly knowing that we are safer, that we are protecting ourselves and others? Can someone explain why this has to be news?

(Sidenote: I do know that there are some dishonest TSA workers, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the procedures, as they are supposed to be done and why that causes so much panic, so much news.)

Because I just don’t understand. And I am so tired of the TSA news/drama that I could scream.