Archive for the ‘The Religion’ Category

I’ve been trying to pinpoint the void I’ve been feeling. It’s not a new one, it’s been there a while. It’s just grown bigger lately and is getting more difficult to ignore.

I feel malnourished in a figurative sense. And I think I’ve finally figured out what’s missing.

I’m not an overly religious person. I have previously been a frequent church/temple goer, but the times I have missed a service here or there have never been the end of the world. Last year at New Year’s I told my husband that I wanted to resolve to go to temple more often because after moving back to California we just never settled back into the routine we had been so fond of in New Orleans. Since that day we have gone to temple exactly 1 time and it was to our old temple in New Orleans.

We haven’t gone for a number of reasons. Laziness, busy schedules, not having a temple we like and being afraid to try a new one. Regardless of cause, we just haven’t gone. And I think it is what I am missing in my life right now.

I have faith. I am sure of what I believe, I am confident, but I miss many parts of being active in my religion. I miss walking out each week with a message to guide me. I miss a sense of community that is involved in Temple. I miss the prayers, I miss the way that I feel like I can breathe there because I am where my soul needs to be.

I miss that. That is the void.

We have found a new temple to try. It’s about 30 minutes away, which is the same distance as the one we’ve gone to in the past. It promises to be as open minded as we like our religion, but also savoring the traditions that are important to us. I have no way of knowing if we’re going to like it. But we’re going to try.

I will not promise that we’re going to make it tomorrow night. Thankfully the service is late (8pm) so we should both be out of work, but there are a lot of unknowns in life right now, so it may not be this week or next. But we will find our way back soon. I want to be active in my faith again. To feel less small and more supported. To feel like I have purpose back in my life.

I know many of you don’t understand this and that’s okay, I sometimes find religion exhausting myself. But when I’m in the right place, I find it nourishing in ways I cannot describe. And I am looking forward to that fulfillment in my life again. It’s been too long.

Over two years ago, I began attending a Jewish temple with my husband. It was one of the first times he, a Jew by lineage, but primarily in culture, had attended. I didn’t know what to expect, I was going because I had no idea where I belonged in the world of religion. For years I have been wandering from church to church, unsure of what the right answer was. Or rather, unsure of what MY right answer was.

When I walked out of temple that night, I was surprised. I felt awakened. I wanted to go back, I wanted to hear and learn more. And so we went back the next week. And the week after that. And each week I felt more and more at home. The more I learned, the more I heard, the more I began to understand Judaism, the more it felt right to me. And yes, this came with its share of problems. I was attending services at an institution that went against most of the religious tenants I was raised with. It eliminated Jesus as a major pillar of religion.

And if you don’t think that gave me pause, you are mistaken. It’s given me years of it.

I have tried to find an easy way to reconcile what I think I believe now, with what I used to believe, what I was raised with. And you know what? It’s freaking difficult. You can’t snap your fingers and unbelieve everything you once believed, and more than that, I’m not trying to force myself into Judaism, I’m not forcing myself to unbelieve anything (including the fact that there’s no such word as unbelieve). I have no reason for that. My husband has never, ever, asked me to convert. He hasn’t even encouraged me to (rather the opposite, actually) because all he wants is for me to feel supported in my faith, to feel surrounded by people who believe the same things I do. We accept that we are individuals, and faith, is incredibly individual.

When I met my husband, he wasn’t religious, he didn’t know what he believed, and truly, I don’t know if he does even now (I’ll have to ask him to weigh in tomorrow). Just because we attend services together doesn’t mean we believe exactly the same things. And more importantly, I have never let my beliefs be determined by anyone besides myself. I would never let something so important be handled without great care, thought and time.

I identify with Judaism, I can often be caught calling myself Jewish. I feel it, I understand it, and I love it through and through.

Nothing about this change has been especially easy. I know I have disappointed many members of my family, I know that I have made friends uncomfortable, I know I have alienated myself from others. If it was simply an issue of doing what was easiest, I would still be at the church I attended as a child. But what’s easy for me, isn’t what’s right for me right now.

I struggle with some parts, and I doubt I have to further enumerate them. And I don’t know how or when I’ll come to terms with those parts. It is a journey I am on, a journey that is still in it’s early phases. I feel fairly confident in the destination, but I don’t know the roads I will travel, I don’t know how long it will take to traverse the distance.

I just hope that you’ll all be patient with me, I hope that you’ll trust that I am not doing this lightly, that I am not doing it without a considerable amount of thought and time.

I want to preface this post with a few facts, because I want my intention to be understood. I was raised as a Catholic, I made my first confession, communion and was even confirmed as a Catholic when I was in high school. I stopped attending the Catholic Church a few years ago, for reasons that aren’t really important right now. I’m just trying to say that I don’t have anything against the Catholic Church. In fact, 90% of the time, I defend it.

Now is not one of those times.
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Most of you have already read or heard that at an Easter vigil service at the Vatican, the Pope’s preacher gave a sermon that likened the current accusations against the pope with the anti-semitism of the holocaust.

I’ve sat here for a few minutes and to be honest, I can hardly even come up with a coherent sentence to address that claim because it is THAT ridiculous. The Pope is not being accused of covering up abuse because he’s Catholic, he’s not being persecuted for his religion, he’s being questioned about his role in the abuse of children. That is not, nor will it ever be, the same as anti-semitism and the murder of 6 MILLION Jews. If you don’t understand that, you need to do some reading about the Holocaust because you clearly do not understand what happened.

Foolishly, I assumed that the Catholic Church couldn’t make things worse for themselves. I was wrong. So so very wrong.

There is a new law being proposed in Connecticut that would remove the statute of limitations for sexual abuse of children. And the Catholic Church in Connecticut is actively opposing it. I read and reread the article and am still totally and completely dumbfounded. I’m going to break this down as best I can.

If the abuse claims are as unfounded as the church suggests, then I simply cannot understand why they wouldn’t want to fight them, wouldn’t want to dispute the “lies” that they believe are boiling to the surface. Seems like if you have nothing to be worried about, you should stop being so defensive. And the fact that they’re unwilling to do this, that they don’t think they can stand up and defend themselves doesn’t send a particularly good message.

I also wonder how they think that fighting this bill is a good idea. Or how standing up against a bill that brings justice to victims of sexual abuse is a BAD THING. Again, if you are innocent, you should want to offer other victims an opportunity to seek justice, to face their accusers now, when they have the strength. Many people cannot admit abuse for decades after the abusive situation. Denying abuse victims the opportunity to have their abusers punished, to have these wrongs righted isn’t just wrong. It’s unfair.

One of the explanations given was that the church is concerned that accusations will be filed against deceased priests. I have so many problems with this scenario. First of all, how exactly do they see that proceeding. I realize that my understanding of the law is pretty limited, but I think it’ll be a real challenge to imprison a dead guy. I understand that it might bring shame on the church, but what about the victims? Aren’t they more important than saving face? The Catholic Church I knew growing up would agree with me, I sincerely worry that the one I see in the news now won’t.

But the part of the article that left me with my jaw wide open, and disbelief running through my mind, was this quote:

“The “legislation would undermine the mission of the Catholic Church in Connecticut, threatening our parishes, our schools, and our Catholic Charities,” the letter says.”

I am speechless.

This legislation would implicate so many priests that it would undermine the mission of the church, the SCHOOLS and charities. The schools? Is this to say that the Catholic schools are founded or run by priests who you suspect of sexual abuse, because frankly, that’s what it sounds like. And even more frankly, that is absolutely unacceptable for so many reasons, I don’t think I even need to list a single one.

Here’s the bottom line for me- if priests did these horrible acts, they deserve to be punished for them. If they did not, then you need to rely on other people, judges and juries, to see that and to make sure that innocent people are treated as such.

But blocking this piece of legislation isn’t going to make the accusations go away, if anything, they’re going to get worse. It now seems as though you have something really big and bad to hide. It seems as though even you believe that a large sum of your priests are guilty of sexually abusing children.

I truly believe that this is a crisis of faith for the Catholic Church.

And it’s time for the Catholic Church to rediscover their faith in other people, their faith in the justice system, and their faith in their own priests. Because if they don’t have faith, they can’t expect the rest of us to either.

I want to thank you all for the comments and emails in support of what I shared last night. I wasn’t even sure I was going to say it until the words came out of my fingertips.

Please know, for those who feel that I am rushing the decision, that no action is being taken immediately. I will continue to go to Temple on Fridays and once we settle at one here in California, I will sign up for adult education classes and learn more about the religion I believe I want to commit myself to. I will not go into this haphazardly, I will not go without careful thought. But I will follow my heart, my head and what I feel God’s plans are for me.

I realize that some of you are surprised, some disappointed. I am very sorry for that. The thing is, while I love all of your support, in a competition between my faith and your support, my faith must always come first. Support is wonderful, but a life without faith and without spiritual well-being, is not worth living. In fact, it’s not really living at all.

And so if this is where we part, then I think that’s tragic. If you’re only reading here because of my Christian upbringing, then you were here for the wrong reason to begin with and perhaps it’s time for us to go our separate ways. Know that I hold no resentment, I’m just disappointed that it has to end this way.

Thank you again for all the uplifting and celebratory messages from those who felt they could offer support.

And now the journey begins…

I was thinking today about how there is very little I’ve hidden from you and even less I’ve lied about, which makes what I’m about to share, all the more scary and raw for me. (No I’m not pregnant, just to quell that anticipation.)

Since this past February, I have attended Temple (Jewish temple, that is) with Slappy nearly every Friday.

And I love it.

I cannot tell you how at peace I feel there. I cannot tell you how what I hear, and speak and see on the lines of books we use to pray each week has changed me. I have never felt closer to my faith, to God, than I do there. I have never believed what I have heard, spoken and seen more than I do at Temple.

And through these nearly 5 months I feel as though Slappy and I have grown together, and I feel very strongly, that this is the religious community I want to raise my children in.

I realize that this is a shock to some of you, that it is not such a shock to others, but it is a shock to even me how greatly I am considering conversion. I understand the gravity of the change and I yearn for it. I have no doubt that I would thrive as a Jew, that my future family would grow and feel like they belong there, but it’s just not that simple.

The family I have now, the one I’ve known for 26 years, will not know or believe any of this. They won’t see that my faith is more important than my allegiance to a religion I was born into. They won’t see that my happiness and my future family will be well taken care of in this new religion. They won’t see it.

But what they will see, incorrectly, is Slappy as the source. Even though he never has, nor never will, ask me to convert (hell, he doesn’t even know I’m writing this right now), in their minds, my conversion would be his fault. In reality, it’s because I found the religious home I have been looking for. It’s because I’ve found somewhere that I feel, for the first time ever, whole. But that won’t mater to them.

Nothing has been set into motion and nothing will be for some time. But I’d be lying to you, either outright or by omission if I didn’t tell you that I will, very likely, be undergoing a major chance (in my personal life, the blog will be pretty unaffected) in the coming weeks and months, maybe even years.

I don’t expect all of you to understand and I don’t expect any of you to agree with the possible decision on the horizon. But I hope you can respect it and offer support in this transition.

Today on twitter I heard that another blogger’s baby died this week. That’s 2 children in one week. And while I did not personally know either of these sweet children, their deaths echo in my mind and heart.

My husband asked me today what I thought about this. If I thought it was part of God’s plan, or if it reaffirmed my faith in any way. And I said no.

I know that shows so little faith on my part, but I’m having such trouble finding God in this. I know He’s there, I know there’s a plan, but two young children in one week? Two tiny bodies, gone from this earth in within 6 days of each other? I just don’t see God there.

I just don’t.

I see God in the $25,100 donated to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name by those who miss her. But I also see $25,100 worth of anguish and sadness.

I see Him in the contests and organizations to help these families. But I also see how much we all wish that we didn’t have a reason to donate to the Spohrs and Myers.

I see Him in the way that people are moved to hold their children tighter today and remember how precious life is. But I also see how hurt we all are.

It’s just not enough. I know that all that money will help save lives of other premature babies, and for that I am grateful, but the cost was too great. $25,100 is a lot of money, but it is no match for the value of a child, for Maddie. It’s not enough. There isn’t enough money to be enough.

I do have faith, but I do not have understanding and maybe it’s because it’s not mine to have. I don’t control the heavens and the earth, I don’t get to make the decisions. But I long to understand why He has chosen this path. Why two families and thousands of people are deeply troubled, worried, and most of all, sad beyond measure. I pound my fists in anger, sadness and frustration because I just don’t get it. How could this possibly be worth it? How can there be any reason that these families needed to lose their children.

Tomorrow Madeline will be buried in California. I don’t know if I see God there.

Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.