Archive for the ‘The Rants’ Category

I often find myself in a frustrating position as a person with chronic pain and the wife of a doctor.

I belong to groups and am friends with many other people with chronic pain and I love these people and these groups for the support that they provide. I love that people can go and vent and get advice and all those wonderful things. But I’ve found that often there is a common undercurrent in a lot of conversations: mistrust of doctors. And I get it. I really do. I have had several really crappy doctors. I have gone against medical advice when I think that the advice is bad.

But I still trust doctors.

I watched my husband go through medical school. I watched him stay up late studying, take crap from doctors and from his classmates. I watched him cross the stage and enter residency. I can tell you that the path to becoming a doctor is harrowing. It is harder than almost anything I can even imagine. These people do not go into medical school lightly and they do not get in unless they are very bright.

So when I hear people talk about doctors and say that they don’t care about patients, just about money, I cannot help but cringe. I am sure that there are some doctors who are that way, but I know A LOT of doctors and I have yet to meet any who care more about money than their patients. In fact, the vast majority of doctors are not extremely wealthy. They are not going home to multi-million dollar homes and sports cars. Yes, some are, but not most. Most doctors have huge student loans for the first 10-15 years of practice. Most doctors are doing the best they can to survive in this economy just like you and me.

And like you and me, they are human. They make mistakes, sometimes big ones. I’m not excusing the mistakes of any physicians, but I know I’ve made mistakes at my job, even when I was doing everything right. Also, keep in mind that many of them are horribly overworked. They are only supposed to work 80 hours per week, but as the wife of a doctor, I can tell you that it often isn’t the case. My husband spends hours at home researching for patients, researching for presentations and more. I know he can’t possibly be the only doctor doing this.

I know that some of you have been offended by psychology referrals from doctors and I get that. A psych referral feels like a slap in the face, like an accusation of being a faker. But psych referrals aren’t meant to say that you’re not in pain, that you’re not sick, the fact is that there is a psychological component to pain, to sickness. Science has proven that the areas of the brain that control emotion work differently when people are sick or in pain and trying to help treat that is not a cop out. And honestly, it might be worth trying instead of being angry.

Finally, doctors have egos. It’s not their best trait, but it’s just a reality. And sometimes they get frustrated when patients come in with a stack of papers that they found on the internet and tell them how to do their job. It’s not that they mind you being educated, that’s not the issue. But understand that they went to school for 4 extra years after college, they completed grueling residencies and so when you walk in and tell them that you want x, y and z and you want them right now? They get frustrated.

Medicine is not as simple as it is sometimes made to seem on the internet. There are important processes that need to be followed, there are tests that are better and worse for diagnostics and better and worse for people. You absolutely should educate yourself (but for the love of God, stay off of WebMD, it is the WORST), but also have a dialogue with your doctor, don’t demand things of them and expect them to be happy.

There is no doubt in my mind that there are some truly terrible doctors. Just like there are terrible lawyers, terrible parents and terrible auto mechanics. The point of this is not to try to convince you that doctors are perfect, because that is totally unture. The point is that they’re not all bad and if you really believe yours is, find a different one. And if every doctor you’ve ever seen is just the worst, then perhaps the problem isn’t the doctors.

Be understanding, remember that they are people, they will make mistakes just like you and I. Remember that they are also people’s husbands, wives, children and siblings and sometimes it’s really hurtful to hear that all doctors are greedy terrible people.

Because they’re not. I promise.

I was talking with friends on twitter today when someone retweeted this:

When I read it, I literally gasped out loud. I was shocked that someone would be so outspoken and proud of this opinion.

But what bothered me the most was the tone. This person sounds as though they are God’s personal confidant, as though they know exactly what is right and wrong. After many people tweeted back at him for his statement he tweeted again.

And all I can say is, bullshit.

Just because you don’t use the word hate, or don’t use slurs, doesn’t make it not bigoted. Just because it was done in such a calm manner, it doesn’t make it any less intolerant.

That is intolerance, it is bigotry. Believing that others are wrong for being who they are is simply wrong. If this man wrote this tweet about marriage between different races, people would all be appalled. If this man wrote this tweet about marriage between religions, we’d be horrified. In fact, I’d bet that if he believed either of those to be true, he wouldn’t publicly post it because the vast majority of people would immediately dismiss him as a racist, as a bigot.

But for some reason, the issue of homosexuality makes people forget their humanity. We created marriage, it’s a document, it’s a ceremony. It’s a way to say that you are part of a family and that you are committed to someone. How it can be wrong to ever commit yourself to loving someone is completely beyond me. But I know that telling others that their love is wrong, that even if they get equal rights, they are still wrong is intolerant. It’s ignorant.

We look back on our history with regret for the years of racial discrimination. We realize how entirely wrong we were, we realize that the discrimination against African Americans was unfair, and yet, we continue to allow a similar discrimination to run rampant. We pretend that homosexuality is so different. We pretend that because you can’t tell homosexuality from birth, that if you are homosexual as an adult, you made a choice and that choice should prevent you from basic rights, from basic humanity. From being judged by others for being who you are.

I have confidence that some day we will look back and be ashamed at how long it took us to allow homosexuals the right to marry, how long it took us to be accepting. I hope that some day soon people can realize that the same morals that they hide behind in disagreeing with gay marriage also tell them to love one another. I don’t know, those tweets don’t sound like love to me. They sound like disapproval, like hate.

I hope that these people who cannot see their hate, cannot see their bigotry and intolerance will someday realize their mistakes and work to make them right. And that someday I won’t have to write about this because there won’t be people who believe that love is wrong.

I posted a comment on my facebook page and on twitter the other day, and it was meant to be a little tongue in cheek, but also, kind of true. It said, “Please let me know if you’re planning to vote for Donald Trump so that I can unfollow/unfriend you immediately.” A little mean, yes, but mostly meant as a joke. And to my surprise one of my high school classmates commented that he actually thought Trump had some good ideas.

A back and forth rhetoric got us onto the topic of immigration and it took all that I had to stay quiet.

On my last clinical I had an opportunity to see a different view on immigration and all I want to do is stand up and scream about it. You see, one of my patients was an American citizen but his mother and father were not. He was 20 years old and undergoing strong chemo and radiation for a spinal cord tumor and had been in the hospital continuously since November. Alone.

He had some family in the general area, but they could only come by every few weeks and to make matters worse, he developed some infections that required him to be on isolation indefinitely. For months he was alone in his room, no roommates, nurses only allowed in when gowned and gloved. This kid could literally not have been more alone if he tried.

In a family meeting his aunt came to ask the doctor to write a note. She said that our patient’s mother had been trying, for weeks, to come up to visit him, but the United States government denied her the documentation that would make her trip legal. She wasn’t applying for citizenship, she just wanted to spend some time with her son. To take care of her child. And the government said no. They said she was not allowed to see her son unless a doctor sent a note saying that he was dying. Ironically, though he was in the hospital, with active cancer and several other problems, he was not sick enough to see his mother.

He was not sick enough TO SEE HIS MOTHER. I can’t wrap my mind around that at all.

It broke my heart and it made me disappointed because I think we’ve reached a sad and scary point. We won’t let mothers drive 4 hours from Mexico to see their sons in the hospital. It wasn’t an elaborate scheme to move here and stay illegally, she wasn’t going to collect social security or have a job and not pay taxes, she just wanted to care for her child. And we wouldn’t let her.

I am not silly enough to think that there aren’t others who have abused the system, but at what point did the almighty dollar, did our repudiation of immigration, the very thing that got all of us here, exceed our capacity to care? I was disappointed when Congress failed to pass the DREAM act which would’ve given immigrants living here already, being educated in our schools already, access to financial aid for college. While it was being deliberated, my facebook stream was filled with people who hated the idea because we didn’t need anymore people on Welfare and stealing jobs.

I feel like I might have missed something. We seem to have given up on giving anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore and last time I checked, plenty of American citizens were on Welfare, were not paying taxes. We live in a black and white world and apparently if you are an immigrant, then you must be here to steal resources, period.

And I’m calling bullshit.

We need immigration reform, absolutely, but we don’t need to close our borders, we don’t need to refuse to let mothers visit their critically ill, but not terminally ill, sons. We live in this country because our families were allowed to immigrate. We are not citizens because we passed a tests or did something extraordinary, we are here because at some point, someone in our family moved here. So why is it that we are now so willing to prevent others from doing the same?

I just wonder where we would be if hundreds of years ago, people had turned their back on my family when they came to this country for a better life. I wonder if they would’ve sat silently while mothers were kept from their sick sons, simply because of where they were born.

I was reading through some news stories on CNN the other day and I saw one about parents protesting at a school. I used to be a teacher, so these kinds of things regularly attract my attention, but never has any upset me like this one.

These parents were not protesting the school for better education or for a wrong that had occurred, they were protesting a child. This child is not violent, in fact, she’s only 6. This child has not committed any noteworthy mistakes, she’s not a behavioral problem. The thing is, she has a peanut allergy.

Peanut allergies are among the most common food allergies and some of them are extremely severe. In some cases, if someone nearby is eating something containing peanuts, a child can have an anaphylactic reaction, meaning their throat closes up and they cannot breathe. This allergy is literally life threatening. Which is why my mind BOGGLES that parents are protesting the school’s method of helping to protect this 1st grader.

The school’s accommodations for this allergy requires all children (not sure if it’s all in her grade, or class or the whole school) to keep lunches outside the room, it requires the children to wash their hands before entering the room and after lunch, and though it is not in effect anymore, they used to require the kids to rinse out their mouths after lunch. So, basically the school is trying to get the kids to wash their hands at times when they already should be and do something that GASP could improve their dental hygiene. Yea, you should definitely go protest that.

Their complaint is that it’s taking away school time, which, I’m sorry, is complete bullshit. To properly wash your hands you must scrub with soap for 15 seconds. FIFTEEN SECONDS. Oh boy, how can you get any classwork done if you spend an entire 2 minutes a day on hand washing? And putting lunches outside, yea, I’m pretty sure that takes a solid hour of time away from learning.

This child is entitled to a public education in a safe environment and as someone with food allergies and as a decent human being, I applaud the school for the measures they have taken to protect this child.

I had a student in my homeroom and one of my classes who had a similarly severe peanut allergy. All her teachers met at the beginning of the school year and were trained by the nurse and the child’s mother on when and how to use an epi-pen for her peanut allergy. We were told that if we had peanut butter at lunch that for the safety of the child we should wash our hands thoroughly and if possible rinse out our mouths. And you know what? We all did it, happily, for the safety of this child. It didn’t take away my free time, it took a mere few minutes each day to keep a child safe. You’d think parents would have a similar list of priorities.

And that’s why I keep wondering what the hell is wrong with these parents. They are protesting at the school and while they say they are not protesting against the child, I think that’s just a line of crap to make them feel better. Their goal is either to get the school to loosen the restrictions or to get the child sent elsewhere, and neither option is acceptable to me. If it was their child, they would want everything done to keep them safe while at school and yet, they’re carrying signs and encouraging their kids to get the school to stop keeping another child safe.

Shame on you, parents.

This child is entitled to the same free public education your kids are getting and her safety, like your kids’ safety has to be a priority. Instead of standing up and holding signs protesting that your poor babies have to WASH THEIR HANDS twice a day, maybe you should take a minute and be grateful that you don’t have to worry about your child’s throat swelling up at school.

Or take a moment to be grateful that selfish parents like you aren’t encouraging the school to risk your child’s health. To risk her very life.

I’m married to a doctor. In the 6 years I’ve known him, I’ve watched him go from a regular college educated guy, to a medical student, to an intern, to a 2nd year pediatrics resident on his way to an even tougher residency. I have watched him cram for big tests, I’ve watched him get up at 4:30 in the morning to go learn about things that he, as a pediatric neurologist, will never need to know. I’ve watched him come home and crash after a 30 hour shift.

He works harder than I probably ever will, he makes about as much as I did as a teacher and he has hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans.

And that’s why I’m really struggling with the doctor bashing lately. It seems like everyone is hating on doctors and I just want to scream about it.

I have had more than my share of crappy doctors. I’ve had ones that didn’t know anything about my medical condition and didn’t care to learn. Ones that didn’t have basic social skills needed to carry out a normal conversation. But I’ve also had good ones. Ones who have tried everything they can think of. Ones that apologized for not being able to fix everything…and meant it.

Because here’s the thing, there are some really great doctors. Not all doctors are in practice to take your money. In fact, the vast majority of doctors I know, and honestly, I know a lot of them, aren’t in it for the money at all. They won’t see money for many years, and despite that, they still give their patients 100%. They don’t recommend vaccines for money or antibiotics for their own personal benefit. They are doing the best they can to treat you or your child, to help fix whatever is going on.

They care about you, probably more than you know.

On Sunday, my husband was on “mommy call,” where he speaks to the parents who call after hours/on weekends with questions about their children. We were in the car on the way home from a birthday party and he spoke with a mother for about 10 minutes of the drive, just getting information, giving her suggestions. He hung up and he couldn’t get it out of his head. He read, he researched, he fretted about this kid. He called the mother back a few hours later to see how her son was doing because he was worried, because he cared about a child he’d never met.

He is not an exception.

I mean, he’s awesome, but this is what doctors do every day.

You may not realize it, but doctors give up a lot. They give up holidays with their families. They give up nights at home. They give up weekends and even being awake during the day for weeks at a time. And when you assume that all doctors are like that one crappy one you had, you devalue all the work the good ones have done.

I would never say that all mommybloggers are bad mothers simply because one of them posted about doing something that wasn’t safe. I would never say that all lawyers are thieves simply because I knew one who embezzled a lot of money. I wouldn’t say that all children are assholes because I had one fart on me last week (true story. Twice.)

But people seem to think that it’s okay to make the same generalization of doctors. I don’t understand.

And all I’m asking is that you give them a chance.

You remember that they aren’t there to swindle you from money or make you wait a long time. That their medical suggestions are based on years of school, on medical evidence, and not on a pharmaceutical company. That they are human and prone to making mistakes no matter how careful they are. That just because they can’t fix everything doesn’t mean they’re not trying, caring.

That they are doing the best they can, just like you.