Archive for the ‘The Blog’ Category

It seems to happen to me once every couple of months. But this time it started after BlogHer.

I login to Google Analytics and look at my incoming traffic and start to feel…inadequate. I compare my numbers to other bloggers and I feel unsuccessful. Desperate. I look at my check from the ads I run and I feel silly and small. I think of all the bloggers I admire, of all the ones who have been blogging for a lot less time but have more readers and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

I get caught up in the numbers.

I get caught up in trying to make my blog enticing and attractive. I get caught up in making it something other than what it really is.

And I hate that. I hate what it becomes.

I don’t write for page views or comments. I don’t write for twitter followers or to be given awards or put on lists. I don’t write for money or despite what my trolls think, for attention.

That is not why I write.

It has nothing to do with numbers, nothing to do with attention or accolades.

I write because I love to do it. I like to tell my stories, to share my life, to get things out of my head and record life events.

I write because I think I have a different perspective on the internet. Note that I didn’t say an interesting one. But I think that I am able to tell a story that many people live but few share publicly. I think I give an insight into a life that most people don’t know anything about.

I write because it makes me happy, it makes me feel like me. Writing here gets me out of my head, allows me to talk out my fears and worries. It allows me to celebrate moments and mourn others.

I write because I am a chronic procrastinator and it is a GREAT excuse to avoid homework.

I write because I have a support system here. I’ve written at length about my struggle with disordered eating and I am always blown away by how many of you encourage me, worry about me and continue to support me in spite of my issues. I wrote a tough blog post about anxiety last week and I am overwhelmed by the comments and emails I got, reminding me I’m not alone, thanking me for giving them a voice.

And every time I get caught up in this numbers game I realize just how much those numbers devalue my blog, how they disturb my writing, my voice. When I try to write for anything other than the love of writing or the desire to share my stories, I don’t like what I’m publishing. I don’t like what you’re reading.

There is no program, no statistic that shows how important blogging is to me. There is no way to measure how much it has given me, how much I have grown from writing here. And until there is, I’m going to write because I want to. I’m going to tell my stories, I’m going to appreciate my support system, I’m going to share my life.

And I would be honored if you’d stick around to read. But even if you don’t, I’m going to stay true to my voice, to my writing. I’m going to keep doing what I always set out to do: write.

There are some days, like today, where I’m become disenchanted with the internet. Days when I forget about all the reasons I love writing here, love having a support system here, just love my little piece of the world wide web. Days when I get so focused on the ugly parts that I want to walk away.

But thankfully, I don’t have to look far to find the good parts. In this case, just to my twitter account.

On Saturday night, I tweeted about my dinner…

Within a few minutes, I saw this…

And while there are still parts of the internet that I desperately want to junk punch on a pretty regular basis, I also know sometimes the internet just gets me.

It’s hard to hold a grudge with friends like these.

I have been getting some really fantastic spam comments lately and frankly, they’re too good not to share. Please know that I literally copied and pasted these comments, the spelling and punctuation, though similar to my norm, is all the spammers. Really. Okay, mostly.

“My colleage was full of joy when reading one paragraph on your post “… a little tour of the past 6 years with that boy. With some really priceless pictures. We met at a camp. …” it makes me to look more intelligent after understanding it.” You’re right, Reverse Telephone Lookup, you actually do look more intelligent after understanding that fragment of a blogpost about my anniversary.

“Your title Utah is Hard, Yo sums up your content well.” Huh, that one may not actually be spam. It’s actually kind of…observant. And literate.

Smokeless cigarettes wrote, “One crucial point I really enjoy about web site posts is the fact that they spark an notion in my brain. Immediately after that comes about, I experience as I need to comment while using hope it is beneficial to many people.” If only the notion sparked in their brain had some semblance of syntax or grammar.

“This can be one of the most important article I ever read today, I’m talking about this piece of your article “…, but once we began doing some pricing, we realized that without all the cards full of money we got for our wedding,…” this is it, you just smashed it down buddy.” Thanks, How to Get Over my Ex (hint: not by leaving non-sensical spam comments). You really smashed something down too. Namely the English language.

“Thanks for the “work” you put into your blog says my aunt” Um, Live prrno cam, I’m not really sure I appreciate your quotation mark implications. Okay fine. Your aunt and her condescending quotation marks may be right, but she can still bite me.

“Considerably, the blog post is actually the greatest on this worthy topic. I concur with your decisions and will thirstily look forward to see your approaching updates. Saying thanks will not just be adequate, for the phenomenal lucidity in your writing. Please maintain it up!” It’s like the Thesaurus sponsored a spam comment.

Oh, and did I mention that Sarah Palin reads my blog? And she think’s I’m awesome. Seriously, she left me a comment with her name on it and everything! “Such a well written post.. Thnkx for sharing this post!” At least they got the spelling and punctuation sort of close to how I expect she would actually write a comment.

I feel like I have so much to live up to now. I mean, I need to spark notions and smash things. And most importantly, I have to go maintain it up. My life is hard (yo).

I noticed that over the course of the past few weeks there has been a shift in the internet. It may have occurred long ago, but I just noticed it this week. I seems that I’ll be reading a site I like, or a site I just discovered when I get to a post that doesn’t fit. Something about it just feels funny the whole way through.

And it never fails that at the end of that post it will say “this post was sponsored by (the company I just said glittery wonderful things about)” and it’s all I can do to not walk away from my computer right then.

Maybe that’s harsh, but I feel like my twitter stream, my blog list is suddenly filled with promotions, with paid reviews. With things that are not writing. Yes, there are words and sentences, but it’s not real writing.

I understand that many people make a living off their blogs and that to do that, they have to write reviews. And that’s fine and well, but don’t be surprised if people click away. Or I guess person. I’m not looking for profundity, I’m not looking for earth-shattering thoughts and prose (and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, neither do you), I just want to read something real. I want to read about your family’s silly anecdote. I want to hear about that thing that happened last week, that news story that pissed you off or warmed your heart. I want to hear your good and bad news.

I want to read real things.

I don’t want to read about how you got a free car. I don’t want to read about that great! glass! cleaner! I don’t want to read about how you got a free trip to Narnia by blogging about how great Narnia is. I just don’t. Because it’s disingenuous. Because it’s not your real voice. It a voice I can’t trust. It’s a voice I know has ulterior motives, a voice that has been paid to speak, to write.

I tweeted about this yesterday and was surprised at how many people agree. How many people besides me miss the writing, the real stuff, the stories, the jokes, the rants. I’m not the only one. We miss hearing your voice, the real one, not the one that got paid to write that blog post.

If this blog post hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. I do understand that writing reviews is a source of income and hey, I run ads on my blog. I get that. But if you have to write reviews, disperse them. Put them on a second blog that we can choose to go read. Don’t try to hide it within your real content, we see through that. Don’t try to pretend like it’s real writing, it’s not. And I feel like I’m being duped.

Just bring back the writing. Bring back your voice. Be genuine again. Because that, not the number of pageviews, not the number of fans on facebook or followers on twitter, is what makes you a good writer, a good blogger. If you don’t have the content, then none of the rest of it matters anyway.

Bring back the real stuff. Please.

So, my exciting news? Is here. You’ll find me under humor, which in and of itself, I find hilarious.

I’m a big mix of totally honored and shocked to pieces. And of course, totally amazed to be listed with so many amazing writers and designers. Can’t wait to see the gala and be a part of something to benefit the gulf coast, just great stuff all around!

First of all, you may notice a slightly new look to the blog. And if you came by last night or earlier today (and use a monitor like mine) you hopefully got a good laugh out of the Overflowing Bra header, I know I did. I almost miss it now. Anyways, there are a few more little changes left to take place, but overall, I’m really excited and really grateful for all the work Jenna has done. If you notice anything that’s not working or isn’t user friendly, let me know and I’ll fix it let Jenna know and she’ll fix it.

But, that’s not really what I’m going to write about.

One month from today, thousands of bloggers from all over the country and even, perhaps, the world, will be convening in New York for 2ish days of complete madness, alcohol, swag and no sleep. And since about half the internet has posted their BlogHer must do/see lists, and I love me a good bandwagon, I’m hopping on it. If you’re not going to BlogHer, I promise to make it entertaining anyways.

1. There is no swag in the world worth hitting a baby for. And while I have no idea who did that last year, let’s just make this a life rule- DON’T HIT BABIES. Period. Ever. Especially not for a vibrator. I mean really, I can’t believe this has to be said.

1a. Did you know that swag stands for stuff/shit we all get? I had no idea. File that under things I learned at BlogHer last year.

2. Bring business cards. If you don’t have them, make some or order some. I highly HIGHLY recommend moo cards. They’re easy to create and not too pricey. If you can’t manage the cost (because dude, BlogHer is crazy expensive) print your own or even hand write some. You’re going to come across hundreds of people and most of them will want to know more about you and having business cards with your blog, email and twitter stuff on them is a great way to do it.

2a. Be creative with your cards, but don’t be all TMI. I’m just going to leave it there.

3. Leave yourself room in your suitcase for the way home. You’re going to get swag, don’t hesitate to weed through it before you leave, but you’ll need space for it. Last year I packed my small suitcase inside my larger one and on the way home I checked both. Granted, it didn’t cost me anything to check luggage because my airline wasn’t trying to rob me of every last dime I have like the one this year, but, yea. If you’re unwilling or unable to check 2 bags, just leave yourself room to pack goodies.

4. If they hand out chocolate in the swag it will probably be gross. So you can just give it to me. I’ll take that nasty chocolate off your hands.

5. Do not skip meals. There will be alcohol, there will be some smallish rooms and if you’re not paying attention, you’re gonna give yourself a good case of the omg I’m so famished I might pass out and die in this tiny room. Especially if you’ve already given me all of your chocolate. Then you’d be a real predicament.

6. RSVP for everything. You may not make it to everything, but you won’t get into anything if you don’t RSVP.

7. Be outgoing, but don’t be crazy. And if someone tells you that they’re not MckMama, they’re not. Don’t keep asking them. I really wanted to meet a certain blogger last year, but I chickened out and I regretted it for a while. I’ve since met her and she’s entirely lovely. Just FYI.

7a. Not everyone is as lovely and fluffy and wonderful as you want them to be or as nice they sound on their blog. They’re all humans like you and many of them profoundly lack social skills or like me, are SUPER awkward in new situations. But if they’re treating you crappily, walk away. There’s no reason to keep trying and there are just WAY too many people there who are lovely and fluffy and wonderful (I’m not sure what I mean by fluffy, but whatever) to spend your time trying to convert the assholes.

8. Bring a variety of clothes and shoes. I wore skirts and t-shirts to the panels during the day and dresses and jeans/tank tops to the parties at night. But be yourself. If you hate dresses, don’t bring a dress. You’re going to be miserable in it and then you’re one of the previously mentioned non-fluffy assholes. Don’t be one of those. Also pack layers because some of the rooms last year were so cold they nearly froze my fingers off and others were so stuffy I nearly had to step out.

9. Do not, I repeat, do not miss the community keynote on Friday night. It is one of my very favorite things about BlogHer. It’s where you’ll get to hear (and apparently this year, see) some of the best and funniest writing you’ve had the privilege of hearing in a while. Frankly, you can pretty safely miss the other keynotes (I did last year), but don’t miss the community keynote. And bring tissue. Ohdeargod bring tissue.

10. Please, please, please introduce yourself to me. If you’re reading this and you’re going to BlogHer, please find me. I am really friendly, really really awkward, but really friendly and I want to meet people, that’s a HUGE part of why I’m going.

10a. My name is Katie, but I’ve decided I’ll respond to Overflowing Bra too. I’m a big fan of irony like that.

11. Have a freaking good time. If you’re going, it means you paid for tickets, for airfare, for hotels and for other crap too. And that’s entirely too much money to not have a good time. Get away for a little while, take naps if you need to, but make this experience the best it can be for you. Don’t worry about what other people are doing or saying or thinking, don’t be a shit starter (no one likes those people), and just have some fun.

If you had told me a week ago that I would be center stage in a heaping pile of internet drama, I would’ve laughed at you. I rarely engage in drama, and the few times I do it’s either because I’m lacking sleep and totally forget myself or because someone I care about is struggling. And even then, I usually regret it.

I think we’re all naturally attracted to drama because it has that train wreck quality. You can watch it happening and predict the end long before it happens. You know a crash is coming and all you have to do is stand aside and wait. You know that people will divulge facts that shouldn’t be divulged, others will betray friends, and that mud will be slung from all sides. You know it won’t end without casualties. It never does.

The drama that I (in retrospect, willingly) entered into has taken prisoners. It has hurt people, it has hurt friendships, it has hurt feelings, all of which is wildly ironic since the entire reason for the drama was because I was hurt by someone else. The whole point was to stop the hurt, not redirect it.

I can tell you with great sincerity that the intentions of this drama were good. I realize that what it has become doesn’t necessarily possess the same purity, and for that, I am incredibly sorry. If I could’ve foreseen this I would’ve stopped in my tracks, I would’ve thrown a break and the whole disaster might have been prevented. I can only tell you this now, with hindsight, which is startlingly clear and painful.

All that I really want is to move on, to write a fluffy ridiculous blog post about my cat, but I feel like there are people expecting me to say more, to do more, to stand up somewhere and declare right from wrong.

I’m not going to do that.

I don’t think that anyone involved in this is without sin. No one is walking away without making a mistake somewhere along the line, and while some are more egregious than others, the bottom line is that there’s no place for me to cast stones, to shine praise down on anyone or to proclaim a winner or a loser. I am not the judge or jury, I’m an accomplice turned spectator who’s been trying to run out of the room and can’t seem to get away.

(This post has so many metaphors and cliches, it’s outright absurd.)

I can tell you that I’m done with this. I have no interest in further involvement, I’m walking away, in hopes that things will go back to a rough approximation of normal. I have been tiptoeing around the internet this week because I feel like I’ve created such a monster that I don’t know where I belong anymore. I have hurt friends, I have hurt people I barely even know.

I feel like I’ve alienated many people, which is unfortunate and I feel like I have ignited others, which will likely also end up being a bad thing.

If you’ll have me, I just want to get back to my normal affairs. I want to walk away from the drama that I didn’t see coming, that I didn’t ever want, and tell you about how two of my classmates have accidentally touched my ass this week, or how my husband got stuck working on the night shift again for a pregnant co-worker. I want to leave this in the past, with my apology as my final product of this mess. I can’t speak for anyone else and I won’t try to. I am washing my hands of this for good.

And all I have left to say is that I am genuinely sorry for my part in this mess and for the hurt it caused. I never imagined this would happen and I’m sorry it did.

I got a pretty jaw dropping email a few weeks ago.

I was asked by BlogHer if a post I had written here last month could be featured on the homepage of their site. I’ve never had my writing featured anywhere but here (or at some really need patient blogging panels), and so needless to say, I was thrilled. And then I saw the post they asked me to contribute, and if possible I was even more excited.

Frankly, I am more proud of what’s in those paragraphs than most of the others I’ve written.

And truly, I’m more grateful to know and love the incredible woman in that post than anything else today.

So hop over to BlogHer, for me, and to see what this excitement is all about. (So, you may need to scroll down, or even go to older posts, or look under the tab of mothers and family. It’s moved down throughout the day. But still go look! Please!)

So, if you haven’t noticed already, posting is going to be SUPER light this week. I had two final exams today and I have one Thursday, one HUGE one Friday, one Monday, two Tuesday and one Wednesday. And probably a blood patch Thursday. I know. You wish you were me.

While I’m not really blogging here, I am having my blog posts aired other places all week. Right now one of my favorites is up at the Chronic Babe edition of Patients for a Moment. It’s a pretty cool thing for health bloggers to display some of their writing and this time is about funny experiences, so it’s definitely worth a few minutes of your time (and also? if you have a chronic disease and aren’t on Chronic Babe? You’re crazy. Just sayin’).

And on Friday I’ll be back with another super exciting announcement regarding my blog appearing everywhere except, you know, here.

Heh.

Hope you’re all having a good week.

So I started to write this last night, but stopped myself. But I’m writing it tonight. Even though I shouldn’t. Because I know better, and yet, I don’t care.

There was a bit of a skirmish last week on twitter, one I was not a part of, nor one that I firmly grasp all the various angles of. But there are people on both sides, who are irritated. And one of the more interesting things that I’ve seen come out of it are the blog posts that seem to indicate that disagreeing with someone from your internet community is wrong.

Uh, what?

Disagreement, in it’s true form, is benign, in fact, I wouldn’t hesitate to say that it’s primarily a good thing. Discussion, discourse and disagreements all force us to consider our perspectives and ideals. They allow us to consider things from someone else’s point of view. And how all of that is not a good thing, I don’t know.

But there is a difference between disagreement and being a “troll.” (For the record, I am not, in any way, shape or form saying that people involved in this twitter issue are trolls. Not even a little, I know so little about what initially happened that I cannot even begin to offer a bit of opinion on that.) And that’s really what I want to talk about.

When I started this blog, I always said I would publish all non-spam comments unless they were attacking other readers here. I put myself out there to be judged and criticized, and while it hasn’t always been easy, I made that choice and I’ve stood by it for nearly 3 years now.

I know that some of you don’t believe me, but honestly, I have no problem with someone thinking I’m doing something wrong. I have no problem with people who have different opinions than I do. In fact, I expect both of those. And disagreement isn’t a bad thing.

But that’s just not the same as people who live to cut others down. People who don’t leave their name but leave a nasty comment. Chances are, if you’re not willing to put your name on it, you shouldn’t be saying it. You can tell me that you think I’m making the wrong decision without calling me stupid. And every time you resort to name calling instead of being civil, your point is completely lost. I tune out everything you say as soon as the tone has turned ugly. Every. single. time.

And that’s where things are changing. I’m not publishing comments from hateful people anymore. They add nothing to this blog, they make me a version of myself I don’t like. And I’m just over it. I will happily post any comments that disagree with me or others respectfully, but the moment that respect is gone, so is your comment. Period. And if you continue to leave nasty comments after I’ve deleted others, I’ll just block you from this site entirely.

I’m not entirely sure what to do about twitter. I don’t think I’m perfect, but having someone who I’ve blocked from my stream continue to read through my tweets and talk about me (and really, not just talk about me, but rather call me things like “idiot asshole” for a typo, or tell me that I’m an asshole for switching religions, or accuse me of asking him anonymous questions on formspring (uh, hi, I have better things to do with my time, don’t flatter yourself)), is just not okay. It’s such a second grade act that I don’t even know how to address it as an adult.

So the only logical conclusion I’ve come to is to not address it. I’m not reading his twitter stream anymore. If a google alert pops up from him again, I’ll ignore it. I’m not going to feed this person anymore of my time and angst. He’s not worth it. I tried reasoning and I tried politely asking him to stop, it’s clear that he’s neither reasonable or polite and so I’m done trying. I’m done caring.

And more than that, I’m going to go back to blogging the way I used to, the way I always intended to- for me. Completely ignorant of statistics, page views, feed subscribers and all that crap. I’ve noticed lately that as soon as people start blogging for a reason other than the pure desire to write, the writing suffers, and it really doesn’t matter how many people come to your site if there’s nothing worth reading on it.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m going back to writing for me. I’m going back to what I always intended this blog to be. I spend so much time worried about what people will think, how people will judge me for what I write. I worry that I whine too much or don’t spend enough time making people laugh. But this is my blog, these are my words, my stories. And I’m writing them because I want to.

It’s time for blogging to stop being about other people, or about money or attention. It’s time for bloggers to stop cutting each other down and act like adults. And more than anything else, it’s time for blogging to be about the writing and the support and the stories.

The way it used to be.