Perceived Dangers

Last night at 2am I woke up somewhat suddenly, but for no apparent reason. I looked around to sort of settle myself and finally glanced at the baby monitor, which is when I noticed that something with Eli was off. It looked like his blanket was across his throat, but I couldn’t see either end of it, which was unusual. I thought maybe it wasn’t a blanket but a stuffed animal or his smaller lovie, but I had this nagging feeling that it needed further investigation. So I went into his room.

It turns out that it was his regular blanket (which is an Aden + Anais swaddle blanket) and it was wrapped around his neck twice. My head was positively shrieking with panic, but I managed to stay quiet, unwrap his blanket while only barely waking him up, replace his a pacifier, give him a kiss and a butt pat and leave the room.

And then I did the most incredible thing. I went back to sleep.

Look, I know that doesn’t sound incredible, but for me, it really was. After months of horribly broken sleep, and hours of laying awake panicking, this is really a huge deal. There are times I really struggle to see the progress I’ve made in the past few months, but this is one that I feel really proud of (even if a small part of me also thinks that this is entirely the fault of the medication and wants to take away all credit because that’s how I am, but whatever).

I think one of the biggest parts of that experience, for me, was feeling like I could trust my intuition. It has been really difficult to parent my child, never knowing if listening to my gut was the right thing. My gut has a tendency to overreact and I never really know if a perceived danger is serious or if I’m catastrophizing something insignificant. And last night, I was able to identify that Eli needed me to do something, do it, and not flip out in the process.

This is what I always thought parenting would be. I thought I would be supermom- not needing help, not needing reassurance, but I have been the opposite. I have felt like I can’t trust myself for months now, it’s an issue that hasn’t let up and is always intensified when my husband is out of town. I never feel like I can make a parenting decision without approval, not because my husband requires me to do so, but because I don’t trust myself to make the right decision. Last night, without hesitation, I made the right decision.

And while I have spent a fair portion of today worried about how to deal with this situation since Eli is very devoted to sleeping with a blanket (almost never under it), I was able to work through it and come up with a solution that is working for him and for me. Am I likely to check the monitor more frequently tonight? Yes. Am I still doing much better than I would’ve been 2 months ago? Absolutely.

There is still work to be done, but there’s no denying that progress has been made and that things are moving very much in the right direction. And it feels really, really good.

7 Responses to “Perceived Dangers”

  • I am SO happy for you. What a wonderful thing to be building trust in yourself back up again!

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  • purplebreath:

    Yay! That’s terrific :)

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  • I am glad that you got the opportunity to see that you’re making progress!

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  • Amy:

    Oh yay! Celebrating with you on your hard-won progress!

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  • I am so glad you are seeing progress and feeling good. And so glad he was okay. I am sure he would have woken p himself if it became a problem. It’ s amazing though your mother’s instinct woke you up and checked on him.

    Mamas always worry, but I do think it gets easier as they get older. Different stages, different worries but when they are so little, I think it’s harder because it is still so new.

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  • I am impressed with your blog posts. They are very down to earth and heart felt. As a grandmother, mother and psychotherapist, I completely support how important it is to listen to the small still voice within us. It is often covered over by the overwhelming influx of information available to us. Thanks for sharing the wisdom of your intuition.

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  • Elizabeth:

    I am so glad I found your blog. :) I also have a son born in May 2012. It’s great to read about other moms going through some of the same things I am. I’m so happy for you with the progress you are making. You should feel happy about it! Keep it up, you are a super mom. :)

    [Reply]

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Welcome!
I'm Katie, a 30-year-old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned PT, who also had brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy, often with far too much detail. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
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