I’ve been on the (first) medication given to me by the psychiatrist for a full week now. I’ve made it 5 days on the maintenance dose which means, based on some pharmacology that I barely understood when I was studying it, my body now has a steady state of that dose and basically, from here the side effects should go down, not up, and we’ll be able to see what this med can do. Basically, we’ve reached the watch and wait phase. No more titrating.
It has been a rough start. One of the side effects I was warned about before starting was that my anxiety might get worse and while it took me a few days to see any changes, that was one that was very evident. I normally have intermittent flashes of terrible scenarios in my head each day (I say that like it’s normal, I know it’s not), but for the past week, these have turned into full blown panic attacks, complete with a racing heart, sweating, nausea and a profound desire to run away from whatever I’m doing to somewhere unrestrictive where I can freak out. It’s been really, really difficult. It feels like I’m trading one crazy for another.
There are other side effects that aren’t worth mentioning, but today, for the first time, I realized that it’s starting to work.
As I was leaving work today, I realized that I was happy. I had heard some good news, had a really great final patient of the day and I just felt good. And as I tried to figure out what I was excited about or why I felt so, so good, I realized that this is just what happy feels like. It’s been so long since I felt this way that I have forgotten what it really felt like.
I have forgotten how to be happy.
And of course, that made me kind of sad. It’s nice to feel this way, but it’s so frustrating that I can’t do it on my own. I want to be happy, I really, truly do. But I want to be happy on my own. And feeling that way today was just another reminder that I can’t do that. That I need a mix of pharmaceuticals to make me feel this way when everyone else can do it on their own.
I am, as seems to be the usual these days, feeling conflicted. I just really miss things being easy. I miss life being uncomplicated and straightforward. I miss feeling what I feel instead of trying to figure out what I should feel and how to change what I do feel and feel something different. Things are difficult, but in different ways than I imagined.
I’m ready for easy. I miss easy.