So, after speaking extensively with my therapist and her speaking extensively with her supervisor, tomorrow I’ll be calling to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss medication options.
And look, this is not a tirade about medication and it’s not about anyone else but me. I don’t see taking medication as a failure. I don’t see it as an easy out. I don’t see it as weak or any other thing that I know is likely to get interpreted here. I just didn’t and don’t want to take it. Personally. I wanted to sort this out and move past this on my own. I didn’t want to take medication, didn’t want to play this game of finding one that works and managing side effects and then someday trying to figure out if I can live without it. None of that appeals to me in any way. I’ve done it all and I wanted to be done with that world.
I think at the heart of things, I wanted this to not be that bad. To not need that level of intervention. That if I just went to therapy and talked about this and made changes that it would get better. And a lot of things have. But my sleep has not. It’s gotten worse.
Tuesday night I must’ve had at least 10 separate baby related nightmares. Wednesday night I got less than 4 hours of sleep total and had less than an hour of that in a chunk at a time. It’s to the point where I’m not functional at work, where I feel like I am doing the bare minimum to survive, to do my work, to keep my kid happy, to keep my marriage and household functioning.
I am currently getting my ass kicked by a cold and I know it’s because I haven’t gotten enough rest. I manage to avoid getting colds really regularly (I work with kids, they are ALWAYS sick), and here I am, feeling vaguely like I might be dying from snot and coughing.
And I just feel broken down. I’m tired. I’m really, in the most profound ways, tired. I’m tired of fighting my mental illness. I’m tired of hearing that it’s going to take a long time and that this is a process. I’m tired of being told what I need to do. I’m tired of hearing how badly I need medication from people who are not experiencing this and how I should feel about things. I’m tired of not sleeping. I’m tired of not feeling anything except fear. I’m really, really tired.
I want to be well. I want to be well rested and be able to sleep through a night without waking up reaching across the bed to save my son. Or jumping out of bed to save Eli from falling down the stairs, when all the while, he’s in his bed, sleeping peacefully. I want to be somewhere and someone I’m not right now and I’m angry that I can’t get there the way I wanted to. That I need to ask for more help and that it’s going to take more time, energy and resources than I thought.
So while I know that this seems like a good thing, this decision to see a psychiatrist, it feels like another step backward. Another reminder that I am not well, that I am not getting better at any reasonable rate. And it sucks.
(Update- I called, the psychiatrist my therapist wanted me to see isn’t taking new patients, so I’m waiting for a new recommendation. Technically I can see anyone, but the hope is that we can find someone who my therapist can also meet/collaborate with so that we can create a carefully designed treatment plan combining what we’re already doing, potentially medication and possibly another treatment method as well.)