At the start of the day today, I was feeling pretty good. The past week has been a relatively good one. The nightmares are still there, and they are still awful and exhausting, but day-to-day things have been a little easier. And then, several bad things collided this evening and now I’m back to feeling defeated.
Thankfully, I’m at a point where I have some perspective and can see that this is a normal part of the process, but it’s still very frustrating. I want to rush the process. I want to be all the way better, but I know that that’s not how it works. And yet, here I am tonight, exhausted and low. Very low.
Earlier this evening, Eli was rocking on his rocking horse (okay fine, it’s not a horse, it’s a pirate ship) and he got a little too enthusiastic and the whole thing tipped over backwards and then landed on him. I was right next to him, watching it all happen, unable to move to stop it. I just, I don’t know. Somedays I feel completely incompetent, and this was one of those events. I was stuck, too slow and in my own head to take action. It just reinforces the bad parent feeling that is always there in the background and of course he hit his head, which is never a good thing.
Also this evening, Eli got ahold of his video monitor’s AC adapter and broke it. Like, in half. And while we have a second monitor (it’s a long story, we’re not completely crazy and frivolous (mostly), I promise), it constantly loses its signal and won’t work well for audio overnight. And! As if this weren’t enough, when we tried to use our regular just audio monitor that we got at Eli’s baby shower, we discovered that my husband’s cat chewed through the cord, rendering it completely useless.
And I’m just done.
Nighttime is already the worst for me. Whenever I come out of a nightmare, the first thing I do is check the video monitor. I do it for 2 reasons- first, it helps ground me back in reality. If I can see Eli on the monitor, it means he’s not falling off my bed or falling down the stairs. And secondarily, it’s just nice to know he’s okay. And tonight, after he hit his head pretty hard, I am not going to have a reliable monitor. It means I’ll likely wake up even more often, I’ll wake up more completely and just get less sleep all around.
Yes, I know, generations of parents have lived without video monitors and other generations have lived without audio monitors and I really need no reminder of how ridiculous this is. I get that this is as first world of a problem as it could possibly be. But this silly first world problem has set me on edge. It has made me not want to go to sleep at all, because I know that tonight is going to be awful for me. If I can get to sleep, I am certain I will be up frequently, worried about whether Eli is okay or not.
It’s just tough to be in this place right now. It’s a reminder that I didn’t want or need that this process is one with forward progress and backslides, of two steps forward, one step back. I still feel that the overall trend is forward, it’s just hard not to be discouraged by the backslides, even when you know they’re normal. Especially because they just feel so lousy.