Disbelief

(I realize that this is a very aptly named post considering that it’s April Fool’s Day, but none of this is foolish.)

I’m finding the anxiety has been waxing and waning a lot this past week. There will be hours, almost whole days even, where I’m humming along just fine and then I get completely demolished by fear. There isn’t a rhyme or reason most of the time, as far as I can tell. It just hits me sometimes. Feelings, images, sounds, all a mess in my mind.

I remember other mothers saying that their kids fell off the changing table and off the bed and I smugly thought to myself that I would never let that happen to my child. Don’t these mothers know how to be careful? And now here I am, the judger became the judged. I’m in a state of disbelief. I can’t believe I let this happen. I can’t believe that it ended up as seriously as it did. I can’t believe that it took one second for everything to change like this. It’s terrifying.

Disbelief is an feeling filling other parts of my life lately as well.

My friend Dawn, who I’ve followed on twitter for as long as I can recall, who has been one of the greatest cheerleaders to everyone she knows, is nearing the end of her fight with Melanoma. I find myself completely gobsmacked by it. It’s not my tragedy and I do not want to monopolize her family’s grief in any way, I just keep being surprised that it’s happening. It makes my breath catch at the unfairness of it all. I think I had convinced myself that dying from cancer was something that old, sick people do. Not young mothers with young kids. Not healthy people. And I think Dawn did such a good job of putting on the strongest, bravest front that we didn’t even know how bad things were until they were too bad to tell her we loved her and how sorry we were.

I’m in disbelief at the fragility of life.

My uncle, who I wrote about a few weeks ago, lost his mother in early March. And Friday he lost his father. It’s just, it all happens so quickly. We are here and then we’re not.

It just seems like the certainty I had been comforted by is being pulled away. And maybe that’s for the best. Maybe I shouldn’t be as assured and comfortable. Maybe I need to live in a world where I can see that one tiny thread can unravel everything. That nothing is permanent.

I’m in disbelief because it seems that the things I’ve known, that I’ve held onto and been comforted by, are shifting so quickly. They are revealing new truths I didn’t see before, didn’t want to see. And it’s hard to be in this place of change. I’m scared because everything feels different now. Everything feels bigger and faster and less predictable.

I’m just hanging on for dear life.

Mike, Dawn’s incredible husband, has asked that those interested and able make donations to the Melanoma Research Foundation.

2 Responses to “Disbelief”

  • purplebreath:

    I wish that I could pull out for you moments in your life where you were being carried by the hand of God. I know they exist but even if I could figure them out, I don’t think I could SHOW you. I wish that I could make you able to see the entire tapestry of your life instead of thread by thread (I wish this for myself as well). All I can tell you is that God loves you. Go to temple. Spend time with Him. Maybe He’ll show you what you need to feel safe.
    Jeremiah 29:11 has been a great comfort to me: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    [Reply]

  • We often see horrific multiple tragedies happen to the same family, or same circle of friends, and it leaves me asking, why? Haven’t these people been through enough? It always stuns me. We almost lost my daughter when she was 3 days old and things have been a struggle since then. But honestly, it has changed me in good ways along with bad and if her purpose is to teach us the joy of life, she has certainly done that. Life is unfair sometimes, but it is still worth living!

    [Reply]

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Welcome!
I'm Katie, a 30-year-old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned PT, who also had brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy, often with far too much detail. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
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