Lately, things here have felt off. I come to write (when I have the time) and I feel…confused, I guess. This blog began as a way to document the struggles I was having with my health, to share my experiences as I prepared for and recovered from my decompression surgery. To reach out to others with chronic health conditions and find connections in that community.
That was 5 years ago.
Since getting pregnant with Eli, my headaches are now all but gone. The dizziness is no longer an issue. The nausea is now just anxiety related and is typically well managed. My left hand is 95% as dexterous as my right, which is probably better than it was before I started to struggle with it. Frankly, my health is great. This is all good news and I am thrilled to write these words. I have never in my life felt better.
And now I come here and I feel like I don’t know what or how to write. I don’t have health stuff to discuss. I don’t have anything in common with the community I once identified with. This used to be a health blog, but it’s becoming clearer each day that that’s no longer the case. And it’s time for a reinvention.
The name will stay the same, and for now the design will stay the same, but there are some changes. First, the scar is gone. It’s gone from here, it’s gone from twitter, it’s gone from Facebook, it’s gone. That point in my life is past and it no longer needs to be a defining feature of now. I think I held onto it for as long as I did because I wasn’t sure what else to put there and because I thought no one would recognize the site without it. And then I realized that I don’t care.
A few years ago, I checked my blog stats regularly. I cared about my Klout. I cared about my twitter followers. I still care about this site and the words I put on it, but the rest of it has lost it’s importance. I don’t even know how the newest version of Google Analytics works. I don’t care.
What I care about is writing things that matter. Mostly to me, but sometimes to other people as well. To document these years as a new mother, as a still relatively new wife, as a new professional in my career. To document this period so that someday I can look back and remember these events with greater clarity than my memory alone will allow.
This blog has been a way for me to cope with a lot of things. It was my therapy substitute for eons, it has been my soundboard and support system. I still need those things from time to time, but I do not wish to be writing as a victim of my life any longer, as someone oppressed by things. I want to write as someone who experiences things, who lives, not someone whose life is passing them by, who is uncomfortable in their life and skin.
If I could start this blog over again, I would do some things differently. Keep some things more private, share more of others. But I cannot. And I won’t waste time regretting or deleting. It’s there, a reminder of what has happened, of who I was at the time, just as subsequent posts will be reminders of who I am now, in this moment. No matter what or how I write, I won’t please everyone and that’s also fine and it’s not something I’ll waste time trying to do.
This blog has been undergoing a change for quite some time, it’s just only now that I’m acknowledging it. Call it a mom blog, a mommy blog, a family blog, whatever label it needs. But it’s just mine. The name will continue to be what it has always been, the themes will vary, the same way life does. And hopefully these changes, this new page that has been turned, will help bring me back here. Because I have missed it and I am looking forward to more.