A Different Sort of Sleep Situation

We can file this blog post into the, I need a laugh because I’ve been stuck at home with a very sad, sick baby for the past 3 days.

My husband and I have a queen sized bed. I am not particularly fond of king beds because it just feels so giant in a room and I actually like cuddling. Sometimes. It seems like in order to cuddle in a king sized bed, you have to make a great migration across the vast desert of sheets and yea, I just said that. Anyway, we like our bed. But lately, I’m reconsidering my queen sized stance.

This is how we begin in bed each night, but obviously with a comforter on top of us.

(We’re spooning. And that’s Jacques-Imo, totally drawn to scale.)

bedtime 1

This is 5 minutes later, when I start itching and we both go to the way we really want to be sleeping and drop the cuddling charade. Please note my husband’s arm under my pillow, which is one of my lifetime pet peeves and somehow, also, a requirement for him sleeping.

bedtime 2

Then the baby wakes up and I get up to feed him and sometimes to pump. This provides my husband and cat the opportunity to make a move. And oh, they do.

bedtime 3

My second greatest pet peeve is husband head on my pillow because dude, heads smell. Especially heads with short hair and then I put my face on it and gaaaaaaaag.

bedtime 4

My husband is only 5’10″ but I swear when he has the whole bed to himself, he manages to be about 7 feet tall. And who doesn’t love a little cat ass on their pillow? I mean really.

bedtime 5

Last night, after putting the crying baby back to bed and pumping (and falling asleep pumping, and then pumping again, because my problem solving skills at night are not good), this is how I slept. And I am seriously, not even exaggerating. PLEASE NOTE THE HUSBAND ARM.

bedtime 6

And then when the baby got up again, this is how I spent the rest of the night. Not pictured, wet cat nose, all over my face. Also, my rage.

bedtime 7

My husband insists that this is exaggeration, but given that on multiple occasions he has awakened in the morning and excitedly proclaimed how awesome it was that the baby, who was up FOUR TIMES that night, slept through the night, he does not get a say.

I think I might get a sleep coach for my husband and cat. Or maybe I’ll just go sleep in the baby’s crib since he’s never going to.

11 Responses to “A Different Sort of Sleep Situation”

  • homemadehay:

    THIS IS MY HOUSE! Well, except for the baby. My 8.5 month old is sleeping pretty well (not trying to rub it in and keeping my fingers crossed).

    [Reply]

  • I just kick my husband if it’s his turn to get up. And yes, he takes turns. He, also, miraculously, never hears the babies waking until I’ve shoved/kicked him appropriately. I, on the other hand, imagine hearing them scream in the whirring of the noise machine. Today, I texted him, asking, “What happened last night?” because often, neither of us remember.

    Also, as annoying as hand under pillow, is ELBOW under pillow, so when I reach under my own pillow, where my arm belongs, his boney elbow is there, poking me.

    I tell people we haven’t slept in years. It’s basically true.

    [Reply]

  • Ok, your husband needs to memorize this: “Gee, I slept really hard last night. Sorry if I disturbed you, honey. Did the baby wake up at all?”

    That is the ONLY thing he needs to say. Because seriously, if he woke up next to me all “Hey, he slept through the night!”, I’m pretty sure I would break his kneecaps.

    [Reply]

  • Tia:

    Haha, this is SO my house, except instead of pumping I’m making a bottle, and there are THREE cats stealing my side of the bed rather than 1.

    [Reply]

  • Melissa:

    Okay, this is hilarious. I think it is a male gene that requires them to put their hand under someone else’s pillow. “Cause, yup, it happens here, too.

    [Reply]

  • I don’t have a cat, but then again, I have the baby in bed with me, so… yeah. I try not to get up to go to the bathroom because there’s usually no space for me to get back in.

    [Reply]

  • Ankh:

    This is definitely every night at my house, except we have 0 babies and 2 cats. Imagine a diagonal-loving husband and two cats who like to sleep between my legs and wedge up against my crotch.

    [Reply]

  • I got a giant maternity pillow to defend my side of the bed and it is staying forever. It gives a nice buffer, and the cat’s favorite spot is at the bottom so it’s easy to fling hir off of it.

    [Reply]

  • purplebreath:

    I laughed the first time I read this and came back for more tonight. So true! Love the illustrations.

    [Reply]

  • Jenny:

    Husband and I just LOLed over this, thank you

    [Reply]

  • Liz:

    I literally just googled ‘spouse arm under my pillow’ after complaining to my husband about his nightly habit and this post came up. So funny!

    [Reply]

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Welcome!
I'm Katie, a 30-year-old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned PT, who also had brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy, often with far too much detail. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
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