What I’m Not Saying to my Mother-in-Law
Dear MIL,
Your son informed me (though he probably shouldn’t have) about your phone conversation on Sunday. I’m just not sure how this topic keeps coming up over and over again, particularly since it’s none of your business.
No, I am not breastfeeding my son (in the way you’d like me to). I tried. I tried every day, 8 times a day for FIVE weeks. And do you know how many times he latched on (without a nipple shield because that was just a disaster)? Four. Four times in five weeks and every single one of those times required the assistance of at least one other adult to trick him into latching by dribbling formula down my breast.
And yes, I know you firmly believe this is my fault, and maybe it is. Maybe it was the epidural I got, the one I do not regret at all because it gave me the rest I needed to help deliver him. Maybe it was because at a week old we switched from the tube feeding to bottle feeding with a “breastfeeding bottle”, which was a necessary evil to help Eli develop the right facial/sucking muscles. I really don’t know, but saying over and over again that every woman can breastfeed isn’t helping. I can breastfeed, Elijah doesn’t want to. I know you know that.
And honestly, it doesn’t matter. Because a) these are my breasts and they are NONE of your business and b) he is my child and I am taking care of him. And the fact that you continue to bring this up over and over again, despite the fact that I am pumping 8 times a day to get him breast milk, which, guess what? Is the same thing he’d get if he was breastfeeding, makes me want to scream. At you. The reason we’re not going to visit you this weekend isn’t because we have other plans, it’s because I don’t have the self control to not scream at you. To not physically throttle you with my bare hands.
Repeatedly bringing up my inadequate supply, which yes, we all know is because he never latched and I didn’t get the proper stimulation, is just unnecessary. You don’t think it makes me upset? Oh wait, of course you know that. But for some reason you still need to bring it up, to dig it in, while I am here doing my best. Just like how you needed to mock me for giving up dairy, AT THE DIRECTION OF THE PEDIATRICIAN, when you thought I couldn’t hear you down the hall. Guess what, your voice carries, especially when you’re not even trying to be quiet.
And furthermore, I do not I need to hear your parenting advice. 2 of your 5 children don’t acknowledge your presence in the universe, I’m sorry, but you are HARDLY the authority on good parenting. You’re much more of a cautionary tale.
So here’s the bottom line. I’m done. This is not your business. It won’t be discussed by you to me or my husband any longer. The next time it’s brought up you will get a curt warning and if you don’t stop, we will leave or you will be kicked out, depending upon the venue. My breasts are not your business. My son’s eating habits are not your business. I have been polite to you as long as I can and you cannot afford me the same consideration, so I’m done.
If you want to have a relationship with your grandson, you’ll stop criticizing me and my parenting. I will not have my child exposed to that kind of venom, I’ve seen first hand the damage it can do and I won’t let that happen to another generation. Grow up and get off your high horse before you lose out on your grandson’s childhood.
Sincerely,
Katie
30 Responses to “What I’m Not Saying to my Mother-in-Law”
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I'm Katie, a 29 year old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned healthcare professional, who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
Good for you Katie. I wish you could say this to her face.
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*virtual fist bump*
Go, you. She sounds like a real piece of work, and while I’m all for keeping peace in the family and all that, enough is enough.
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I would have strangled her by now. You must be a saint.
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Wow, this woman needs a reality check. Why should it matter how Eli is getting fed as long as he’s getting fed? I admire your restraint, because if I were in your situation, I would have already wrestled my MIL to the ground and squirted her in the eye with my boob juice.
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Hi Katie! Are you SURE your MIL and mine aren’t the same person? Because I could swear they are. You’re super sure?
That whole breastfeeding thing is enough to make a grown woman weep to begin with. My first child wouldn’t breastfeed and it broke my heart. But not enough to starve her to death. You’re doing a fine job. And you’re doing right to leave or kick her out next time this is brought up. You’re a grown up. You can do this well. I believe in you. Go Katie!
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Jessica Reply:
August 1st, 2012 at 11:40 pm
@Flea,
It’s an epidemic! My MIL is the SAME way.
I was unable to breastfeed, so I don’t know where she is getting her information from, because not all women can do it. I don’t know why, but it hurt like hell (mentally) to not be able to. I can only imagine what it is like to have someone constantly throw it in your face. :-/
However, like Flea, I wasn’t going to let my son starve. He’s a perfectly normal seven year old, unless you count his undying love for Doctor Who.
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I read your blog often but I rarely comment. Meh, I’m kinda lazy that way. But I’ve gotta say YOU GO GIRL!! It’s clear that Eli is thriving and that you gave breastfeeding everything you had. Keep cuddling him and falling deeper in love. Sounds like she needs to be knocked off her child rearing soapbox. Having 2 sons myself (albeit not babies anymore at 15 and 21) BOYS ROCK!!
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That is an awesome letter I wish you could really send.
I applaud you for standing your ground and just not engaging in it with her anymore. That is the smart thing to do.
I wish she would just shut up
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You go! I don’t comment much… Cuz I suck that way….but dude, is MIL borderline? Cuz wow…just wow….she sounds whack and clueless about boundaries. That is all. Except…would it be a horrible thing to actually send the letter with some minor edits? Lol
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Oh how I wish she could read this. I’m sorry she’s being so awful to you. I’m really proud of you for just putting up with it. She’ll get her comeuppance. You know you’re doing a fantastic job and Eli is thriving.
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Oh I would have to cut a bitch. That’s mean and downright uncalled for. I agree with all of the comments above! He is thriving and BEING FED. She had her five kids, she’s done!
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If you were to accidentally send me her email address, I could accidentally email her a link to this…… is all I’m saying.
And, please, really do kick her out/leave. I hope your hubby has your back. I’ve have personally always found the phrase “thank you for your input, I’ll give that all consideration it deserves” to be a good, emotionally satisfying response to all inappropriate opinions, although you’ve probably passed the point where that would work.
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MILs suck don’t they? I should know, I am one
awesome that you are setting boundaries. Just make sure she knows what the boundaries are and why you’ve set them. Kinda like disciplining a child, huh? I think she thinks she knows what is best, and the sooner you straighten her out, the better. Passive-aggressive doesn’t work well with her kind. Been there, done that-both sides. GO TEAM ELI!!
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The effort you have put into getting Eli breast milk is amazing. Most women would have had latching issues and given up. No, you got a pump, and then rented a hospital grade pump when that wasn’t getting results.
Your MIL is a douchecanoe of epic proportions if she feels that what you do is less than putting Eli to breast to feed. I think you could put an anonymous poll on any parenting website and find, overwhelmingly, that your dedication is probably more. You’re getting him breast milk, losing sleep, doing the stupid washing associated with pumping (been there, done that, those horns are a PITA to clean). You are a hero in my book.
Can I come bitch slap the woman for you?
And I think that setting the line in the sand NOW about what you and Slappy will and will not put up with is good for ALL of you. Eli, for not thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable, you and Slappy because it will eliminate the damn mine field you both walk with that troll of a woman.
Hang in there.
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Reese Reply:
August 2nd, 2012 at 2:16 pm
@Suzanne, I love everything about this comment. And believe the words “douchecanoe” and “troll of a woman” and “bitch slap” should be in regular rotation in your everyday verbiage.
I agree the woman is a nightmare. Thank god your husband (Slappy, hehe) is serving as a buffer. Otherwise, you’d be all up in her business about it. Maybe you should. I’d like to hear how THAT goes.
Good luck and keep up with it! You’re a fantastic mommy
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That sounds terrible. I’m a relatively recent follower of yours with fellow MIL troubles, and all I can say is that I wish I had your balls. Healthy boundaries are a must and it sounds like you’re well on your way to establishing them. Good for you…much support and encouragement.
PS I’m sure you know this, but sometimes it’s nice to hear: the way in which you feed your child has no relation to the quality of parent you are. You’ve done your research. You’ve thought about it a lot. You’ve made a good choice.
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I admire that you are still pumping. My god, that is hard, thankless work. I only did it while at work, and I hated every minute of it. That you continue to is so admirable. And it is none of her business–good for you for drawing a line. You need support and love, not judgment. Shame on her.
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Wow. I want to kick her in the shins for you. And for what it’s worth, I cannot believe you’re still pumping 8 times a day. I bow down to your badass-edness (yes, it’s a word).
Can I tell you the best thing about my soon-to-be ex-MIL? She lives in England. And it’s a really damn good thing that there’s an ocean in between me and that woman.
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I am so glad you wrote this. Your tweets about this woman make my blood boil, and I don’t even know her (and I don’t want to). I’m glad you are taking this strong stance, and standing up for yourself. I almost hope she does say something so you have an excuse to get up and leave, or kick her out, but I also don’t want to you have anxiety every time you see her. Oh, and if you want more support and/or advice on how to handle her, I recommend you check ou the Dealing with the In-Laws (DWIL) and Family of Origin (FOO) board on Babycenter: (http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_in_laws_and_foo_family_of_origin) This place really puts things in perspective when my own MIL is driving me crazy.
ps You are a fabulous mom to your baby.
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Katie,
You’ve worked so hard at this, so hard. And Eli IS getting breast milk and it really shouldn’t matter how he gets it. Had you solely breast feed THE MIL would be complaining that if you would just pump than SHE could feed him. So, you wouldn’t win anyway. What if you were on a medication to treat a serious medical condition and therefore, unable to breast feed in an effort to keep Eli’s safe? My friend was in that very position and you know what, her son, now eight, is just fine. He’s healthy (only been to the pediatrician once for pink eye outside of well check-ups since the day he was born); while his mother and father have both missed several days of work per year for illness. Sure, breast feeding is great, and everyone who can might want to try, but, sometimes people just need to shut their pie hole. What a shame it would be if she didn’t get to watch Eli grow up; because you should NOT have to feel badly for something you truly have no control over. And I know that even if you sent her this letter, or she found it on her own, or you said it to her face, it would go over her head and feed her need to go after you even more. Do what you have to do to make you, Eli and Doc happy!
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Ditto all of the above. It’s all your own business and absolutely none of hers. Shove off, MIL.
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*stab*
I’m so sorry she is such a shit to you. Pumping is so hard and you have to really want your son to have breastmilk to continue doing it day after day. You deserve a medal. She deserves a smack.
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Ouch. I remember these days, when I felt like my own mom and MIL questioned everything I did. Looking back, I see the mixture of their own best intentions swirled with lingering doubts over their own decisions as mothers. Eight years into the “mom” gig, I see their words (although often hurtful and sometimes destructive) were more about them and not as much as about me.
I hope time and patience prevails. Don’t get me wrong, you’re right to stand up and draw the line. It’s a normal and very necessary step in your journey. Just try not to let the damage be permanent. It’s a heavy weight for you to carry and you’ve got better things to do.
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Brilliant.
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Lordy.
*HUGS*, You Go Girl!, and Cluck-a-doodle-doo, she is several pieces of work. ;p
You totally deserve medals.
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Ugh. Your mother in law sounds like a piece of work. Is your husband, by chance, a first born or only child? They tend to be *extra* terrible with those kind of sons.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I just found your blog and will be reading! The Arnold-Chiari is just sucky suckness, but I love how funny and open you are in your writing about it. Rock on!
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You are right to put a limit on the amount of crap you are going to take from that sorry excuse for a MIL. I have the MIL from HELL and you don’t need negativity or judgment in your life. If she can’t STFU then it’s her loss. You have to take a stand somewhere or you’ll end up like me, with a MIL who intentionally and willingly tried to destroy my whole family. We didn’t let her. Good luck to you.
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Girls,
Your breasts are YOURS and you don’t have to be forced to expose your breasts.
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I want to clarify what I stated earlier. I’m not attracted to women’s breasts because start cancer therefore it doesn’t matter to me that women’s breasts are shown or not.
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I just found your blog and I have to say THANK YOU for posting things like this. When my little guy (he’s now 5 mos.) was born, he had severe tongue tie. They told us immediately after he was born and said that it “wouldn’t cause any trouble.”
Ohmigod, what a bunch of b.s. THAT was! He sucked so hard he nearly ripped his frenulum. By the time the pediatrician was able to send us to the ENT to have it snipped, his tongue was a mess and so were my nipples. He’d also lost a ton of weight…we had to immediately start supplementing with formula per the pediatrician’s request. It was scary to see my 6 lbs. 12 oz. baby sink close to 5 lbs. because he couldn’t eat for days.
In the end, I tried to breast feed and pump for almost 2 months and was never able to produce enough milk for him. My nipples took a long time to heal from the initial onslaught of sucking in vain, and were never able to fully recover. We had our latch right, according to the lactation specialists, but I just couldn’t make the milk he needed.
As soon as my husband and I agreed that I should just stop nursing, the entire mood changed. Instead of beating myself up every day and bawling because I hurt and could not feed our baby, I was finally able to enjoy him. He gained weight and was thriving.
Your MIL sounds horrid. You did the best you could for your baby. It sucks that some people feel like they somehow know better than you in terms of what is best for YOU and YOUR child. Hold your ground. It stinks that you couldn’t continue to breast feed. But it doesn’t make you a bad person!! You are NOT alone.
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