An Island
I have always been an introvert. A homebody. I don’t thrive in huge groups, I am more of a small gathering kind of girl. It’s just my personality.
Before last summer, we lived in a city halfway between my school and my husband’s work. It was nice because it left me 30-45 minutes from my friends and my sister, 2.5 hours from my family and it left my husband 30 minutes from work and a solid hour from his family. It was a good location. But it was unreasonably expensive. And so last June we moved near his hospital and now have an apartment 1.5 times the size of our old one for 200 dollars less a month. Moving was unquestionably the right decision.
And it worked for a while. My husband had some friends I enjoyed spending time with and I was still in school or clinic on weekdays, so I was getting plenty of social time.
Then school and clinic ended. And the people my husband started his residency with finished (straight pediatrics is only 3 years) and moved away. Then we had a baby. Any of these in isolation would be fine, but the combination has been brutal.
I feel like I’m living on an island right now. I have no friends or family within even an hours drive, most are much further away. I’ve relied heavily on internet friends for support and lately those friendships have taken a hit, too. I have gotten to a point where the list of people that I feel I can go to for help, fun or support is extremely short and almost all of them are related to me.
Please understand that I feel so blessed to have the support and love of all of you who read, but there are times in the day when I want to pick up the phone and text something funny or frustrating or just have semi real human contact and that’s a different kind of support. I feel like right as I gained this beautiful baby, I lost my friends. And now is really when I could use them more than ever.
Plenty of this is my fault. Some of it was probably avoidable. But it’s done.
I’m an island, apart from all the things I once knew, feeling like a stranger in this new stage of my life. I don’t know how to fix it. We’ll be living here for 2 more years, geography is non-negotiable. I don’t know how to fix half the things that are broken with some friendships and I’m too hurt to want to fix others right now.
I’m just feeling stranded. And I’m having a hard time figuring out which way to turn and how to reconnect.
21 Responses to “An Island”
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I'm Katie, a 29 year old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned healthcare professional, who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I am sorry you feel marooned. I have no magic elixers or even good advice. My baby is 18, so I am far removed from this, but I did make some friendships at playgroups and even in parks. I know Eli is too little for this yet, but maybe soon. Not all these friendships lasted, but they were very important to me when I was overwhelmed and lonely in a new area with two children under 2. Best of luck to you!
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This is so hard
Does the hospital where you delivered have any moms’ groups? Believe me, I know how uncool that sounds, but I’m not a joiner at all and I tried one and ended up making two friends that I still see at least once a month with kids the same age as mine. It’s great to have someone to talk to about all the weird kid phases, plus good for N to have a few playmates.
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I am so sorry you feel this way. It’s a pretty common feeling with your first baby (though since I have a big gap bwtn 3 and 4 I felt that way this time too). What helped me was seeking out a moms club. I found a group of like minded mommas and they have been a rock for me. I hope you find something similar. Have you tried taking him to the baby story time at the library? It’s a great way to meet mom friends.
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Joy Reply:
July 17th, 2012 at 6:33 pm
@Jenni, Yes, baby story time is fabulous. And really, it’s not about the kids until they are old enough to do the accompanying craft without help. It is about the moms, and it was a wonderful sanity saver for me. With all three kids.
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I’m sorry. That sucks.
Velocibadger had the same suggestion I had, to see if the hospital or the OB/Gyn practice have mom’s groups. With all the breastfeeding issues, LLL is the last thing you need, but a mom’s group will get you a wide variety of people.
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I second the vote for going to the park, as well. Our neighborhood has a play area, and you frequently see new moms go there with their babies just to have some human contact and fresh air. I did it and met really nice people when my baby was tiny, and we still see them at the park all the time, including scheduled playdates. The best park activity for brand new babies besides sitting on a bench is for you to sit on a swing and hold him and rock really slowly. It’s like a glider, but not in your house!
On a separate note, I totally felt/feel like that too. It’s good to put yourself out there, but also keep in mind that this period really will be temporary. They always are. And it’s not the same, but there’s lots of love out here in internet land : )
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Have you considered a local “MOMS Club”? It is a national organization with local chapters. I joined one in PA when my now 8 year old son was an infant and made some of my closest friends there. Our chapter had a calander of activities that you could pick and choose from. Always something to do, new people to meet and activities to join in with children of all ages.
Kelly
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So, I don’t know where in Southern California you live, but our babies are about a week apart, and I live here too. I’ve got a fun toddler girl, too, and we’re fun to hang out with. I live in Burbank, if that appeals to you. Sorry if this sounds weird, but I felt the same way when my daughter was born and reaching out to IRL people helped me a lot.
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I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. I hope things gets better for you soon!
P.S. I live in the IE and if you ever want want to vent or share a funny story, you can always contact me.
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If your area has early childhood classes (like through community ed), take those. If not, just go hang around at the library every week on the same day at about the same time. When my kiddo was about 6 months old and I went back to work (well, actually school full time, but ya know), we started doing that and we met several other parents with kids that way. Everyone is all “BABY!” so you don’t have to introduce yourself.
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Geography notwithstanding, each new mom has a feeling of isolation in the first few months, especially when all of the excitement of the ‘brand new behbeh’ has settled. I, too was a homebody. There are a few things I can suggest that may help. 1. Walks with the baby. This will give you the happy vitamin d and feel a part of your community. 2. Mommy & Me groups. Basically sitting in a circle looking silly with your kids who dont understand the songs. But chatting with new humans. 3. Keep writing. We’re reading…
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I remember feeling the same way. I taught first grade for years and when all of my teacher friends/ neighbors went back to work, I was shellshocked. I had a September baby and I felt so lonely especially with such a monotonous routine. Add his constant crying and I was a mess. I skimmed though some of the comments and there are some great suggestions. So many moms are in your same place and not just moms of newborns. Up until daycare/preschool, it is tough to make the new acquaintances.
I lived in a lake community and it was great to get outside and walk. I didn’t know about stroller strides at the time but have a friend who loves it. Maybe there are some near you:
http://www.strollerstrides.com/
You should also take some Vitamin D3 and B12 to help boost your mood and energy.
Feel better
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Katie, I live in the Burbank/Glendale area, how far is that from you? (You can e-mail me, if you don’t want to broadcast the mileage/time) I would be more than happy to come visit you any time, as well as to offer you a getaway location at my place, whenever you need it. I haven’t been in the exact same situation as you, but I understand the feeling very well
And you have my number, right? If you don’t, I’ll gladly give it to you, and you can call or text me any time. I love you, and I’d be so happy to hang out with you more, now that I’m living closer to you!
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Oh heavens I remember this feeling…and it still comes back every once in awhile, when I feel alone and stranded, even though I know I have a partner and family who loves and supports me. Friendships are important. If you can repair them, it’s worth the work. But, I’ve made choices that made some damage irreparable. All I could do was move forward and find people to connect with that shared similar interests and life circumstances. Yes, parent and mommy-and-me groups are great. But, I’d encourage you to find other common bonds…movies…books…hiking…whatever. I found Meetup.com a great place to make those connections. As a result, I have a whole new circle of friends that’s evolved to become near and dear to my heart.
As an alternative…you could always come visit me in Vegas.
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Mom and baby group: find one. I took a new mom class at Isis Maternity (not sure if they are nation wide or not) and met lovely women, all professionals and on maternity leave like me. My neighbor met a whole group of women through a Gymboree mom and baby class. No one is an introvert if you have a baby in tow, it’s all about them.
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This is my second time today plugging a MOMS Club, or similar. Most of my friends hadn’t had kids when I had my first, so I was kind of all alone. My MOMS Club was an awesome resource, even when going to the park was more about me getting out of the house than it was about my baby doing much of anything.
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It’s a tricky time moving from the world you used to know to a new one with kids. Moms Groups or coffee groups are fab-and you’ll probably find there will be one or two people you really like – invite them round, go for a walk and coffee with the kids. What I worked out fairly early on is that most people are sitting at home feeling like me – bored and lonely. The great thing is that with kids it’s really easy to make new friends with just a little bit of effort and before long you’ll have your 41/2 year old son inviting all the kids he knows round for playdates like me.
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I’m stuck at home all day everyday with 4 kids in a town where I don’t have a single friend and zero family. My parents don’t know how to text (seriously join this century) and my husband is usually out of town and busy working. You can text me funny things, ask advice or just commiserate ANYTIME!! Tweet me and I’ll DM you my cell # if you want it – I rarely take more than a few minutes to respond to texts since it is literally my only social interaction.
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I felt the same way with baby#1. Maybe find a local mom’s group on MeetUp? Being a mom is the hardest/most rewarding job in the world. Us mamas gotta stick together! Best wishes.
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I know I’m ‘just’ an internet pal, but I’ll gladly give you my number if you wanna text, and am happy to skype, as well.
*HUGS*
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