I have sat down several times in the past few weeks to write here, and I have hesitated and left with the screen completely blank. It’s not that I don’t have anything to tell you, it’s that I feel like it’s not interesting enough. Like writing here and telling you that things aren’t wrong, that in fact, everything is so very right, is not what people come to read.
I am happy. Indescribably happy. Possibly as happy as I have ever been in my life.
Yes, each morning I fight with nausea that can only be controlled with medication, even now at almost 22 weeks of pregnancy. Yes, I have headaches every day, some of which slow me down considerably, all of which are really unpleasant. My physical state is perhaps not perfect and it never will be, but my emotional and mental states are so entirely over-filled with happiness that the rest seems to melt away.
I feel whole, like I am in exactly the place I am meant to be in my life. I feel like my marriage is in such a wonderful place, like the family we are building is exactly as I always dreamed it would be. I have wanted to be a mother for so long, and for this dream to finally come true is overwhelming and a little surreal. I didn’t know that I would be able to have a child, I didn’t know how my body would react. And that I can sit here at nearly 22 weeks and tell you how wonderful everything is, feels like too much. Too much good.
Feeling the baby kick each night before bed has become one of my greatest joys in life. I’m growing a child, a beautiful little boy and this fact never fails to completely boggle my mind. We made this baby, And each time he kicks is a reminder of the partnership we have. We are connected, not just he and I, but my husband too. Connected in this intimate way that no one else can understand. Yes, you can feel and sometimes even see the baby kick from the outside now, but what I feel, the connection I have with my child is so much more.
I’ve come to realize that he nourishes me every bit as much as I nourish him.
I know that in four short months, my life is going to change forever. But I also know that in the past 6 months, it already has. I will never again be the person I was before August, before this baby. He has changed me, changed the course of my life in every way possible.
And for him, for the family that my husband and I are building each day, I am grateful. I am happy.