A funny thing happened on Friday. Okay, it wasn’t funny, not even a little bit.
I went to a movie with my husband, a movie I thoroughly enjoyed. When the movie ended, I grabbed my phone to see who had called me in the middle of it and the screen just seemed painfully bright. And though I had had a headache all day, it suddenly became more apparent. More really seriously noticeably unpleasant.
Over the next 20 minutes the headache went from ho-hum to holy crap. And by holy crap, I mean literally, the worst headache of my life.
I tried laying flat, hoping that maybe this was a sign that I had an active CSF leak (yes, I realize how crazy that sounds, but laying flat relieves those and I really, really wanted relief). I tried migraine medication because I thought maybe it was a weird migraine. Neither of those did anything. No change, just horrendous pain.
The pain was where it usually is, it was just so much worse.
It was so much worse that I warned my husband that we might be spending the night in the ER because I was scared of what might be going on. I don’t do ERs for headaches, and I don’t take narcotics for them either because they don’t help, but at that point I’d have taken anything that was handed to me.
Thankfully, it didn’t come to that. Eventually I went to sleep and woke up in the morning feeling worlds better. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday laying low, I was scared it would come back. Like a mini-bout of PTSD. It was unpleasant, but compared to the pain on Friday, it was awesome.
I’m trying hard to focus on school, to make it through this week so that I can move on to vacation and relaxing. But these headaches are genuinely starting to worry me. Not because I think anything is horribly wrong, because I don’t. I don’t think that there’s a dark scary underlying cause. But I’m scared because, as my PT put it, this isn’t sustainable. If the headaches keep getting bigger and worse instead of better, I am not going to be able to do the things I need to do.
It’s starting to dramatically impact my quality of life.
I don’t know the next steps. I’m still waiting to get insurance approval for the scan that was ordered, I haven’t started the vitamin A because I want to be done with finals first. And many people have asked if I’ve called my neurologist, but for what? To say, hey, it hurts worse now! Though I’m sure she’d love to spend time chatting, I just don’t see how that would help anything. I just, I don’t know what to do. And I feel increasingly helpless.
I feel passive in my own life. And it sucks.
I know that in the grand scheme of life there are far worse things. But I feel like the grand scheme of my life is changing in a way I do not want it to, and that feels like a pretty bad thing.