I had a midterm last week. I didn’t give it a whole lot of time because it was open book, open note, open internet. I mean, how does one prepare for that kind of test? That’s right, they don’t. And a few days before the exam I realized that I had never actually turned in my student disability accommodations for extra time on the test. And then I made a really stupid decision.
I never turned them in.
I’m not sure what possessed me to not do it, but I decided I could do the test in the allotted time like everyone else. Even though I had a feeling I couldn’t. Pride is a funny thing. It’s also a bastard sometimes.
The test went poorly. Which is frustrating since I’ve been doing really well in the class discussions (it’s Differential Diagnosis) and assignments. I could tell when my teacher handed me my test back today and realized that the score I got belonged to my ID number that she was surprised. It was bad. I did really quite badly.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t prepared. It wasn’t because I didn’t understand the directions. It was because I didn’t have the time to think through it well enough. It was because my brain was moving too slowly that morning and I could not get done what I needed to. When the teacher called time I had managed to get each box filled, but not well, not nearly as well as I could’ve if I’d had even just 10 more minutes, not even the full extra 60 I’m allowed.
And I just cannot stop kicking myself.
What was I thinking?
Why didn’t I just hand over the paper and take the test the way I’m allowed?
Now I have the final exam for this test on Thursday and it’s going to be a fight to get even close to the grade I want, to the grade that I truly think I deserve based on the work I’ve done and my participation in the class. I have worked so hard and this exam and the score don’t even begin to convey that. It’s one of the worst grades I’ve ever gotten, especially in a class I feel that I understand as well as this one.
And worst of all, two of the instructors of the class are ones who know me fairly well and I feel almost embarrassed. I feel like I let them down, like I look like an idiot. I know I can do better, I know I should do better. I emailed one of them to ask if I could still arrange to get extra time for the final, even though it’s in 3 days and I’m waiting to hear back. I know that there’s a good possibility that the answer will be no and there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ll just have to do the best I can and hope that it’s enough.
And I’ll have to remember this lesson. Remember that it’s okay to accept help, that it’s okay to need it sometimes. And it’s okay to admit that to others too.