This week is testing me.
This is the 5th day in a row with major headache pain. I have headaches everyday, so maybe 5 days in a row doesn’t seem so bad, but for my purposes, major headache pain means that if I had to put the headache on a pain scale it would be at least a 7 out of 10. Monday I gave it a 9 out of 10 and that was only that low because I literally drugged myself to sleep before it could get any worse. And the temptation to repeat Monday night’s sleep coma has been high, but I’ve tried to avoid it because I know it’s not really all that great for my body. Not that pain is really much better.
I just don’t even really know what to do. I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options.
I don’t have a doctor to go to. I don’t have a primary care physician, just a student health center. My neurologist finished his residency and is doing a fellowship that keeps him out of the clinic. I haven’t yet been able to get an appointment with a new neurologist. So basically there’s no one I can call, no one I can go see for help.
Someone recommended I go to the ER last night, but my husband was the on call neurologist and somehow I didn’t figure he’d be thrilled to have to do a full exam on me, write up everything and deal with my paperwork. Nevermind the fact that I’m pretty sure there is nothing he can do anyways.
Because there’s never anything that can be done. In the ER they’ll check my vitals and find my pulse to be a little high, it always is when I’m in a lot of pain. They’ll offer me narcotics and when I decline (because they don’t help and they make me sick) one of two things will happen. I’ll be immediately discharged home or I’ll be given a CT scan, which will show nothing (but will toss some more radiation onto my lifetime pile of it) and then I’ll be discharged home. If I go to the doctor they’ll offer me narcotics and consider a new MRI.
The result is always the same: nothing. No relief. No improvement.
I’m just so damn tired of this. I’m clinging to the very last fibers of a very short rope and hanging over a vast expanse of unknown territory. I don’t think I can handle much more.
I’m fresh out of hope that something will change. I feel like there’s no doubt that I’ll wake up tomorrow with the same pounding headache. I feel like there’s no question that meds will continue to be worthless, that life will continue to be exquisitely painful. I feel like the idea of expecting anything different is silly, like I’m setting myself up for more misery, though I’m entirely unsure that there’s such a thing.
I’m scared that this headache jag won’t end. I’m scared that if it does, it’ll start back up again. I’m scared at how much this hurts and the other weird symptoms that have joined in the mix. I’m scared that I won’t be able to work if this becomes the norm. I’m scared of what this kind of pain means for every single part of my life.
I’m scared. I’m hurting. And I just want some relief.