It seems to happen to me once every couple of months. But this time it started after BlogHer.

I login to Google Analytics and look at my incoming traffic and start to feel…inadequate. I compare my numbers to other bloggers and I feel unsuccessful. Desperate. I look at my check from the ads I run and I feel silly and small. I think of all the bloggers I admire, of all the ones who have been blogging for a lot less time but have more readers and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

I get caught up in the numbers.

I get caught up in trying to make my blog enticing and attractive. I get caught up in making it something other than what it really is.

And I hate that. I hate what it becomes.

I don’t write for page views or comments. I don’t write for twitter followers or to be given awards or put on lists. I don’t write for money or despite what my trolls think, for attention.

That is not why I write.

It has nothing to do with numbers, nothing to do with attention or accolades.

I write because I love to do it. I like to tell my stories, to share my life, to get things out of my head and record life events.

I write because I think I have a different perspective on the internet. Note that I didn’t say an interesting one. But I think that I am able to tell a story that many people live but few share publicly. I think I give an insight into a life that most people don’t know anything about.

I write because it makes me happy, it makes me feel like me. Writing here gets me out of my head, allows me to talk out my fears and worries. It allows me to celebrate moments and mourn others.

I write because I am a chronic procrastinator and it is a GREAT excuse to avoid homework.

I write because I have a support system here. I’ve written at length about my struggle with disordered eating and I am always blown away by how many of you encourage me, worry about me and continue to support me in spite of my issues. I wrote a tough blog post about anxiety last week and I am overwhelmed by the comments and emails I got, reminding me I’m not alone, thanking me for giving them a voice.

And every time I get caught up in this numbers game I realize just how much those numbers devalue my blog, how they disturb my writing, my voice. When I try to write for anything other than the love of writing or the desire to share my stories, I don’t like what I’m publishing. I don’t like what you’re reading.

There is no program, no statistic that shows how important blogging is to me. There is no way to measure how much it has given me, how much I have grown from writing here. And until there is, I’m going to write because I want to. I’m going to tell my stories, I’m going to appreciate my support system, I’m going to share my life.

And I would be honored if you’d stick around to read. But even if you don’t, I’m going to stay true to my voice, to my writing. I’m going to keep doing what I always set out to do: write.

Share this on

17 Responses to “Numbers Game”