Fear Itself
I know it seems silly to write about something that I want to forget, I know it seems crazy to re-live an event to forget it. But I haven’t been able to get this one out of my mind, I haven’t been able to not think about this, so I’m hoping that writing about it will be the first step in forgetting.
On Tuesday, Slappy and I decided to take the peak-to-peak gondola ride that goes from Blackcomb to Whistler Mountain. It’s an enclosed ski lift that is around 1400 feet up in the air, travels almost 2 miles and lasts for about 11 minutes. The views are nothing short of amazing and everyone recommended it to us.
We bought our lift tickets and rode the chairlift up the Blackcomb side of the two peaks. I was excited to see the mountain, to hike. I was most excited for the view from this acclaimed gondola ride. We got to the boarding house for the peak-to-peak and we stepped into our lift with 2 other couples.
Our gondola left the boarding area and the view was breathtaking, and all the other passengers in our gondola oohed and aahed.
And I freaked out.
At least, that’s the nicest way I can describe what happened.
With no warning I suddenly felt motion sick. I was nauseated, I was sweating, I wasn’t breathing. I was trapped in a bubble with my husband and 4 other people, thousands of feet in the air for at least 10 more minutes and there was nothing I could do about it. I panicked.
I realize that nothing about that sounds particularly terrifying, except for maybe the height. But I wasn’t afraid of falling or crashing or dying. I wasn’t scared for my life.
I know it sounds silly, but I was scared of throwing up. I know, no one likes to throw up and everyone thinks they understand what I’m saying, but this goes much farther than just dislike. I have anxiety attacks, with fair regularity, purely about the idea of vomiting. I wake up terrified in the middle of the night over it. I carry bags around with me just in case, even though I haven’t had occasion to use one since I was 10. I have pills that I absolutely require to get me out of an anxiety attack- one that is almost always initiated by a stomach ache, or by finding out that someone near me is sick.
My single greatest fear in life is throwing up.
I don’t expect anyone to really understand this, because it’s completely illogical. Typing it out makes me feel silly because it’s ridiculous. I will not die from throwing up. I will not suffer (much) from it. And logically, I know this.
But anxiety knows no logic.
And on Tuesday I was a mile above the ground in a small bubble with 4 other people, and I was about to throw up. As soon as I realized what was happened, I took the pills I had stored in my pocket. All 5 of them at once. I waited for them to take effect, for my heart to calm, for my stomach to settle.
Nothing changed.
I physically could not calm myself down. I couldn’t see past the moment I was in, the situation I was in. The small room that I was going to throw up in.
My heart was racing, my whole body was shaking. I was deeper into any panic attack than I have ever been before. And to make matters worse, the 2 other couples were trying to distract me and all I really wanted was to be left alone. To cry, to freak out. To not have people watching this.
In the last few minutes of the ride I finally began to feel more in control. I still felt like I was going to be sick and I was just praying that we could get off the gondola first. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed. I felt like I had been completely defeated. I couldn’t calm myself down, I couldn’t even control myself with the help of medication.
And worse, I know that I ruined that trip, that adventure for my husband, and for the 4 other people who had to watch my breakdown. (One of the couples got off the gondola and thanked me for not puking, I swear).
Sometimes I feel like I can kick this fear. Sometimes I feel totally rational and see how crazy I am. To be honest, It’s been a long time since I’ve had an anxiety attack that even held a small candle to this one. I have been doing pretty well. But then Tuesday came.
And I’m just tired now. I’m tired of experiences like that, which call into doubt my ability to manage my own life. I’m tired of realizing how controlled I am by my fear. I’m tired of needing pharmaceuticals to help me to breathe, to keep my heart rate from sky-rocketing above 200 beats in a minute.
I have fought this fear for 15 years now. I have had good days, good weeks, good years even. And I have had ones like Tuesday.
Somewhere nearly a mile above the ground in a gondola I realized that I need help. I clearly cannot do this alone. I cannot live like this. I cannot ruin vacations. I cannot plan for every possible anxiety trigger every day.
I’m tired. I need help.
And I’m calling someone for it on Monday.
23 Responses to “Fear Itself”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I’ve had/ do have panic attacks and they are beyond horrible. Please don’t be too hard on yourslef. All you can do is work on these things littleby little. ((Hugs))
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Honey, I am so sorry. Really. I don’t know what to say because while I have had my share of anxiety, I am not experienced with panic attacks. I do know that one of my closest friends suffered for years and has finally found relief in the form of a daily anit-depressant. I have no idea if that would help you, but do know that you are not alone. Many people fight this fight and the first step is admitting that the problem even exists.
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I’m so sorry that happened. You are very brave. *HUGS*
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I can only imagine how hard it was to write. I suffer from horrible anxiety also. Often times I have no idea what triggers the attacks. I too am controlled by my fear and like you I am so tired of it. Have been getting help, but still feel “controlled.” As strange as it may sound this post gives me hope…there are people in this battle and hopefully we’re going to win it. We have to count our good days and be gentle with ourselves on the bad days. Yours is a strong voice. Thank you, again.
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I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced similar situations and I know how frustrating it is to *know* you should be able to get over and yet be *totally unable* to get over it.
You’re not asking for advice, but I wonder if therapeutically vomiting will help you get over your fear. You know how people who are afraid to fly go on a plane with the help of a therapist? That sort of thing. It probably sounds like an outrageous suggestion, and I’d completely understand if you ignore it completely. Good luck in getting through this, however you do it, I wish you all the best.
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My mom had a panic attack in a gondola once when I was about 8, and another in the elevator that goes to the top of the Space Needle when I was in my early teens.
She is now 65 & still as firmly in her refusal to ask for help as she was 30 years ago. I mourn the days & fun experiences she’s missed out on, and hope for you to not look back in 30+ years & wish you had made a change TODAY.
I am proud of you. I teach my children that the faults we have and situations we are in matter less than how we react to them. I hope you kick this problem’s ass. Know that there is a huge group of people rooting for you!
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Emetophobia is such a nasty beast, one I know all too well. Anxiety alone isn’t enough, it has to spawn into subsections and there is never room for logic when it attacks, no matter how hard you try to reason with it.
I hope you find the help you need. Stay strong.
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Awww, geesh. *HUGS*
SO sorry that you had such an awful experience. That sounds really horrid. Poor dear.
I’ve had some experience with anxiety and with nausea, but I don’t want to make you imagine them. ;p
xoxo
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Obviously, You know I know.
I hate that you had that experience. HATE. love you. xoxo
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You are one brave and courageous woman ~ just writing about your fears has got to lessen it a bit ~ don’t you think? I would totally blame CHIARI ~ all those years of quishing your brain into your spinal column ~ damage that can’t be reversed. Keep living and do something that scares you each and every day ~ don’t let the fear win ~
I don’t know if you watched LOST ~ but there was a scene where Jack described how he dealt with fear and I have adopted it for myself ~ let the fear in for 10 seconds ~ let it envelop you and then let it go ~ hang in there ~ hugs
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That bites. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Way to pick yourself up and move on! I like the idea of therapeutic vomiting. We could drink first–but then you might not remember it.
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Good for you for recognizing you need help and reaching for it. I’m sorry you had that experience.
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You just described me exactly.
I’m SO SORRY you had to go through this. Panic attacks = absolutely terrifying. I am also going to go talk to someone.
Feel better!! Hang in there!
XOXO
Allison
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Katie, I DO read you every day…or at least look for a post from you daily. I know i don’t comment as much as I used to, but that is far more about letting you get out what you need to say without me constantly trying to steer you into a different perspective. This blog is cathartic for you. If I feel you are “lying” to yourself about who you are and selling yourself short, I will always stick my two cents in to remind you of who God truly made you to be. But when you are just getting it all out of your system, I simply say a little prayer that you will find your way. And i’m quite sure you will. You are smart, funny, and pensive. You have much to deal with in life, whether it is what is happening to you or if it is what you are creating. Don’t we all?
One thing for sure…when it comes to this blog, you have not trouble “vomiting” at all! As usual, I am very proud of you for facing your challenges and for sharing your honest thoughts and opinions.
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Katie Reply:
August 21st, 2010 at 8:25 pm
@Sue G, That totally wasn’t meant to be a guilt trip about commenting! AHHH. I just wanted you to know that my family was thinking about you! It was supposed to make you smile. I’m sorry if it came across any other way. Truly, I am. You’re just loved, that’s all.
And I prefer to think of the blog more as a stream of consciousness than vomit.
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Sue G Reply:
August 22nd, 2010 at 7:57 am
No guilt here at all. I just wanted you to know that I am still around, whether or not I comment. I usually let the words come on their own rather than force them. So, thank you for your guest book entry on my CB site. It DID make me smile…I had no idea you would even mention me to your family let alone find out they ask about me! My first response would be “why me?” (See, I do ask that question in certain circumstances!)
As for the stream of consciousness vs vomiting, when I work with new writers in the process of editing their books, I always tell them to vomit and I’ll clean it up. I don’t like to have people tie themselves down with perfection or insecurity while they write. Just get it out! The ironic part is that i have never cleaned up actual vomit ever in my life…even my own. I simply leave the room. Yes, mother of the year here. Once I got sick all over myself in the car. I took my clothes off in the garage and went in the house. When my husband asked me what he should do with the car, I told him to burn it.
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i hate that anyone has to feel this way.
but i love that i can tell you that i know these feelings all to well.
a lot of us do.
and as long as we time our freak outs well?
we’ll always have someone to support us.
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Oh I understand your fear!! I have the same, but probably not to the extent you have it. I can’t even type the word… I can’t think of it, hear it discussed, see it on tv. I fast forward through those scenes in movies or hide behind my hands with my ears plugged. I’m sorry that your gondola trip was so upsetting and distressful. I know the beauty of the Rockies – I was there in 1986 on my way to Vancouver. I’m happy were able to post about it – I hope it helped you. Big hugs!!!
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Oh my gosh. I totally get the vomiting fear thing. I get nauseous anytime I am nervous or really stressed about something. Sometimes I don’t even realize how scared I am about something until the nausea starts. Once I get nauseous I can’t stop thinking about what I will do if I throw up. I completely PANIC if I think I might throw up in front of anyone else. Everytime I am in a room/restaurant/office/etc, I have to make a plan of where I would go if I needed to throw up.
The hardest thing for me is flying. I am so dang terrified of throwing up on the plane that I am actually considering passing up a trip to England in order to avoid the anxiety of the plane. I tried going to a therapist for a while but it just didn’t help me. I hope you find some help! Let me know what works for you.
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I just have to say thank you for writing this. I try to put this into words a lot, and I know that this is truly a phobia that exists and affects other people, but I have such a hard time rationalizing that to myself. The whole, I know this won’t kill me, but it might suck just a little and there are people here and oh my gosh this might actually happen – thoughts that kind of roll over and over and over until you’ve got a full on anxiety attack going on…In gondolas, on planes, in the middle of the night, at the movies, anywhere, anytime, somewhat unpredictable. Here’s hoping you can find the help you want, and that you share that help with your readers who might find some advice on what to say, ask, share/not share.
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Wow. I don’t know how, but a few months ago I came across your blog completely by accident. Something has kept me lurking every morning, as I go through my morning news/blog catchup.
I had to de-lurk for a moment just to say wow, and thank you.
I don’t think my anxiety, or panic go quite as deep as yours, but throwing up is my BIGGEST fear. It has been for as long as I can remember. People don’t get it.
But as I read your post, I thought, “wow, that’s me.” My anxiety presents itself in the form of feeling like I’m going to throw up. And then, because I’m so totally terrified of actually throwing up, I’m sent into a downward spiral of panic that is just tough to break.
Usually, once I get myself out of whatever situation I’m in, it seems to subside (IE: I get out of the car that I thought was going to crash, and get into some fresh air), but in the midst of it, there’s really no relief.
Anyways, I’m not sure what the purpose of my post is here, other than to say thanks for writing. You say so many things that people like me tend to try to sweep under the blanket. Its refreshing to know that I’m not alone sometimes.
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I suffer from severe emetephobia. I don’t use public restrooms with more than one stall (for fear someone will come in and be sick.) If my fiance gets sick I leave and go to my mothers. I carry Phenergan in my purse for my self as well as anyone else. Hearing some one even mention the possibility of stomach issues (even if it’s just heart burn) puts me on edge. If (God forbid) I ever see or hear it, I pass out. It’s like my body’s coping mechanism. I’ve dealt with this since I was a child. It’s a more common phobia than I realized but also one that few people take seriously (I mean does anyone *like* vomit?) and I wish you all the best in finding ways to deal with it. Just know you are not alone.
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Hey guys, there’s hope for emetephobes. I know of at least 2 people who got over vomit phobia via behavior therapy, also some who got over blood phobias by the same method. The logic of the treatment’s sort of like allergy shots — dealing with weak doses of vomit-related things, gradually moving, over a period of weeks, to stronger “doses” as you adjust to the weak ones. Example of weak-to-stronger: write or say the word vomit repeatedly for 15 — draw pictures of vomit — have a friend make a tape recording of themselves saying “I’m gonna throw up!” & listen to it … You can do it on your own but it’s easier with a therapist.
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