Over two years ago, I began attending a Jewish temple with my husband. It was one of the first times he, a Jew by lineage, but primarily in culture, had attended. I didn’t know what to expect, I was going because I had no idea where I belonged in the world of religion. For years I have been wandering from church to church, unsure of what the right answer was. Or rather, unsure of what MY right answer was.

When I walked out of temple that night, I was surprised. I felt awakened. I wanted to go back, I wanted to hear and learn more. And so we went back the next week. And the week after that. And each week I felt more and more at home. The more I learned, the more I heard, the more I began to understand Judaism, the more it felt right to me. And yes, this came with its share of problems. I was attending services at an institution that went against most of the religious tenants I was raised with. It eliminated Jesus as a major pillar of religion.

And if you don’t think that gave me pause, you are mistaken. It’s given me years of it.

I have tried to find an easy way to reconcile what I think I believe now, with what I used to believe, what I was raised with. And you know what? It’s freaking difficult. You can’t snap your fingers and unbelieve everything you once believed, and more than that, I’m not trying to force myself into Judaism, I’m not forcing myself to unbelieve anything (including the fact that there’s no such word as unbelieve). I have no reason for that. My husband has never, ever, asked me to convert. He hasn’t even encouraged me to (rather the opposite, actually) because all he wants is for me to feel supported in my faith, to feel surrounded by people who believe the same things I do. We accept that we are individuals, and faith, is incredibly individual.

When I met my husband, he wasn’t religious, he didn’t know what he believed, and truly, I don’t know if he does even now (I’ll have to ask him to weigh in tomorrow). Just because we attend services together doesn’t mean we believe exactly the same things. And more importantly, I have never let my beliefs be determined by anyone besides myself. I would never let something so important be handled without great care, thought and time.

I identify with Judaism, I can often be caught calling myself Jewish. I feel it, I understand it, and I love it through and through.

Nothing about this change has been especially easy. I know I have disappointed many members of my family, I know that I have made friends uncomfortable, I know I have alienated myself from others. If it was simply an issue of doing what was easiest, I would still be at the church I attended as a child. But what’s easy for me, isn’t what’s right for me right now.

I struggle with some parts, and I doubt I have to further enumerate them. And I don’t know how or when I’ll come to terms with those parts. It is a journey I am on, a journey that is still in it’s early phases. I feel fairly confident in the destination, but I don’t know the roads I will travel, I don’t know how long it will take to traverse the distance.

I just hope that you’ll all be patient with me, I hope that you’ll trust that I am not doing this lightly, that I am not doing it without a considerable amount of thought and time.

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