Today I reached the halfway point for my clinical rotation. TODAY I REACHED THE HALFWAY POINT. I know, you don’t like the shouting, but I just felt like that needed to be yelled, because it’s kind of a big deal to me.

In honor of today being such a big landmark for me, my body decided to pull out all the stops. My left hand which is normally week and clumsy, was all kinds of screwed up. I couldn’t feel my 4th and 5th fingers on my left hand at all, and I could barely coordinate the movements of it. My head has been a special brand of miserable, and on like 5 different occasions I was totally convinced I was sitting through an earthquake. I wasn’t.

Thankfully no one seemed to notice.

Each day, I fight pain, I fight anxiety, I fight whatever that day is going to hold both from my body and from my patient list, and I do the best that I can. I don’t remember everything I’ve learned or everything I’ve been told to do. I don’t remember some of the things I should and sometimes I’m not as great at what I’m doing as I’d like to be.

But I am doing the best that I can, and so far, it’s enough. It’s more than enough. I’m not just surviving, honestly, I’m succeeding. I’m getting compliments, I’m getting some praise. I’m getting told by my clinical instructor that I’m managing more than she did when she was at my level in her education. I’m getting told by my patients that I’m making a difference.

I am imperfect and I’m accepting that. I fumble a lot, I struggle, I still mumble and second guess myself about a thousand times a day, but I am succeeding.

I can scarcely tell you how close I came to quitting school last year. My husband talked me down off a ledge I was more than ready to jump head first off of. I had drafted the letter to my program director, I had told some friends. I didn’t think there was any way I’d pass my classes that semester, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to actually go on a clinical. I didn’t think this was possible. I cried for hours at the thought of watching this dream dissolve, a dream I had already worked hard for.

It’s possible. I am succeeding. I am still working so incredibly hard for it.

I know you’re all probably tired of hearing it. I know this isn’t exciting to a lot of you, but it’s something I’m just incredibly proud of, something I want and need to celebrate. I haven’t had all that many things to celebrate in the last 12 months, or many things that I felt like celebrating.

I’m celebrating this. I’m celebrating surviving. I’m celebrating managing. I’m celebrating success.

I’m halfway.

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