The Fear of Fear
I’ve never really hesitated to talk about much here. I don’t discuss a lot about my marriage, I don’t give a lot of names or really specific descriptions, but otherwise, I lay most of it out here for you. But there is one thing I haven’t ever really written about. I’ve tried a few times, but words just failed and then escaped me.
I’ve had anxiety since I was about 12. I struggled for a few weeks in junior high with it, and one day the panic and worries just vanished. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t have a life revelation or suddenly learn how to manage my worries, it just got better. And I never really thought I’d have to deal with them again. Then, my senior year of college, the anxiety came back full force.
And it has never left.
Anxiety rules a fair amount of my life even now, 6 full years since the last flood of panic began. I still carry medication with me wherever I go, I still plan exits from events, from family gatherings, from days with friends. I still plan my life around anxiety each and every day.
If you’ve never had a panic attack, I can scarcely begin to explain it to you. It’s as if all of a sudden, you have no idea what’s going on. Your heart races, or sometimes slows down, cold sweat breaks out all over your body and whatever fear you may have had in the moment before the attack began, is now front and center, a huge elephant just waiting to knock you out. It goes from being a little worry to being a HUGE MONSTER scary thing.
When I have anxiety attacks, I always feel like I’m going to throw up. I always feel like I might pass out. And I always lose sense of what is reasonable and what is completely unrealistic. There are times when I honestly feel like I might die. When I think my heart is either going to beat so fast it’s going to explode, or it’s going to beat so slow it’ll just stop. And even though I know that there’s nothing wrong with my heart, that this is all in my head, it doesn’t matter. In that moment, I feel like the anxiety could kill me.
Before I really had anxiety, I always thought people were exaggerating. It always seemed so crazy that someone could be afraid of closed rooms or totally innocuous situations. It didn’t make any sense that people would rearrange their life for their fears, especially for irrational ones.
And then I felt that fear.
Then it gripped me by the throat, by the stomach. It took away all of my ability to reason my way out of things. It took another little slice of the control in my life. I can’t control my mind. I can’t stop my heart from pounding or slowing, I can’t keep my vision from going into a dark tunnel, from my body from shaking violently. Frankly, I can’t control a damn thing once anxiety sets in.
As much as I hate it, the only way I’ve ever been able to come out of an attack, to recover from the vice grip that anxiety has on my life, is with medication. I talk about it as if it doesn’t bother me, as if it’s nothing at all now, but it’s a lie. I hate taking pills. I hate that I can’t manage my fears, that I can’t bring myself out a panic without a prescription. I hate that I’ve dealt with this for years and I’m not getting better. That’s the worst part. If there was an end in sight, it might be bearable.
But there isn’t. And I’ve mostly come to terms with that.
I know that this is likely just the way my life will be. And I live in spite of my anxiety, but I don’t live the way I want to. I don’t get to be carefree. I spent hours thinking about worst case scenarios. I cannot ever just shut my brain down, or be relaxed, even on vacation, even when there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Because that’s the way anxiety is. It’s not rational, it’s not about reality, it’s about fear. It’s about the things you cannot control. And worst of all, anxiety feeds on itself. Once you have a bout or an attack, you start to worry about having another and usually, that’s all it takes and once you have two in short period of time, the fear of having another is even more heightened than it was before.
Because anxiety isn’t just fear. It isn’t just worries and concerns.
It’s life changing fear.
It’s dream shattering worries.
It’s breath taking panic.
Anxiety isn’t just feeling or being scared, it’s being scared to feel, to be at all.
20 Responses to “The Fear of Fear”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
K, you aren’t alone. I am not in a mindset to fully reply tonight, but I wanted to be sure that you knew that your post hit me pretty hard. I will respond – I have emailed myself (at work, even!) to remind myself to cognizantly form a response – but for right now I had to speak up to say that I know what you’re talking about. <3
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FULLY RELATE. My anxiety started when I was 15. Panic attacks, illness, etc. After college the symptoms became internal. I suffer several illnesses now, all derived from anxiety. Anxiety is something extremely difficult to explain to others. Almost impossible to relate to if you have never experienced it. *sigh* I feel your pain.
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This is gonna sound silly, Katie, especially since I’ve never had a panic attack, but I’ve seen some in action and it’s quite unnerving. When I worked as a tech at the psych hospital, they happened. And I got to know the difference – sometimes – between real ones and fake. The nurses swore (here’s the silly part) by ice water to the face. Honest to Pete – something about the ice and the shock. Amazing how instantly it works.
That said, seeing someone panic like that is terrifying. Makes one feel impotent. I can’t imagine what it’s like on your end. I’m glad you have the medication to get you through it.
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You have written about this before, perhaps not as intensely, but you have made us aware of your panic attacks. You share quite a lot with us. And I, for one, am quite impressed with the fact that you barge through so much “stuff” every day just to live your life. I know we all have things we must deal with. But, you seem to have to push through so much just to make it through the day. I admire your perseverance and your commitment, but I wish you didn’t have these struggles and didn’t need to be so damn strong all the time. (I know you feel weak, but weak people give up and hide under the covers…they don’t do all that you do in the course of your life!) Just thought I’d let you know that I hear you…and while I may not understand each hurdle, I do understand the strength it takes to keep running and stay in the race.
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I feel you. I get this.
and I have to say, I didn’t know that I could have OCD and Anxiety and still function in the world until I found blogs. Seeing so many people talk about their own issues and yet they had jobs and spouses and families gave me hope. Infinite amounts of hope. and every time I read a post like this I feel less alone. So thanks for writing this.
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(my entire comment is in caps & my caps lock is not on….hope it doesn’t show up that way because i’m so not yelling at you…lol)….
Thank you so much for putting this into words! My 9-1/2 yo son has suffered from anxiety for the Past 2 yrs (the word ‘blood’ causes the anxiety and he passes out). It has at times been a nightmare for him (would not leave the house the entire summer of 2009). He is pretty much unable to put into words what he is feeling so this helps immensely! We have not tried medication yet, but it is a possibility down the road if therapy is not successful.
thank you again for sharing!! love your blog!
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Elinor Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
@Amanda C,
Amanda — that must be sooooo heart breaking to go through, I can’t imagine how it must feel for him and for you to have to watch helpless. I hope I am not speaking out of turn, and am only commenting because my best friend of 20 years’ dad is the head of pediatric psyche at the local hospital,. But childhood anxiety (especially specific) is apparently highly treatable even curable with behavioral therapy and in some cases drugs. So I hope you have a good Dr on your side that gets him through this and I know you will keep fighting for him!! But do know that there is every chance he can work through this and grow up with no lasting anxiety issues (at least not so sever – he may never like blood) and I hope he gets to that place!!!
I realize that adult anxiety is much harder to treat and am awed by the strength that people show to adapt to this disease and still live life!
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I like to say…Anxiety’s a bitch. ‘Cause it is.
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This really hit home…I suffer anxiety day in and day out, yet I rarely let myself admit to it.
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Anxiety is a bitch. anxiety attacks are its nastier, bitchier big sister. The first time I had a panic attack (in my early 20′s?), I thought I was having a heart attack, which of course caused me to panic more. Mine don’t seem to have a particular trigger: they happen out of the clear blue with little warning, and often no reasonable/logical explanation.
As the others above me have said, you’re not alone. <3
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Me too. Me too friend. Sigh. I have laid in bed at night during a few and though, my heart will just explode and I’ll die and my children will find me and that is horrible. That thought helps oh so much I’m sure.
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Issa Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 10:41 am
@Issa, Also, I don’t have a prescription for it…but I know I should. The thought of asking though, sends me into a panic. So I just don’t ask. I wish I was strong enough to.
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Katie Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 11:24 am
@Issa, You are. I know it. But it might be your doctor that’s the problem.
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my panic disorder became the center of my life after i graduated from college, the attacks were triggered by an event and then never ended, just became associated with every stressor in my life. for years i denied it until i found myself in the er of the hospital where i worked, not once but three times. my primary MD wanted me to take meds but i resisted resisted resisted. then i could not bear it anymore. i took zoloft for some time and it gave me the chance to rest from it all….
i had a friend with panic disorder that heard a very powerful thing from her therapist (a buddhist). she hated taking the meds but he told her she was a drowning person who had forgotten what it was like to float, to know how to swim. her meds were her life jacket that would support her as she learned again how to navigate the waters. she told me this before my time with panic disorder but when i began taking the meds i held that idea close.
i am med free now but it took a long time and a lot of different things and its not like it ends. but i no have the gift of myself back and that is priceless. do not give up, katie. there is a place where there is less to no fear. and i think just from the few posts i have been able to read here, that you can find it.
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Katie Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 11:26 am
@amiee,
I used to be on more meds. I tried Zoloft, but the side effects made the anxiety worse. So I took an extended release version of Xanax for 3 years. I’ve been off of it for a year now, but I cling tightly to my panic meds. They get me through more than they probably should, but without them, there are many things I wouldn’t have made it through. I’m hopeful that it’ll get better, but I also think that coming to terms with it’s place in my life has made it more manageable some days. I’m hoping more time will help.
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I know that fear. When my first husband left, it was my companion for a very long time. Then the combination of Xanax and Lamaze breathing got me through. I hadn’t had an attack in over ten years.
Last year, it came back. It sucks. At least I figured out my trigger, and for me, it’s the loss of control of a situation.
I hope yours goes away again. It is rough to live your life fearing when the next episode is going to again.
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“Anxiety isn’t just feeling or being scared, it’s being scared to feel, to be at all.”
You know, that’s a REALLY interesting point. When I get anxiety attacks, it *seems* like they arrive out of the blue, and I think I’m mentally fine so assume the symptoms (chest pain, breathlessness, dizziness, etc) are physical, like a heart attack. But the whole time I’m thinking, “But I’m FINE, I’m not anxious about anything at all!” because I’m not worrying in that exact moment. But your last sentence makes me realize that I’m not feeling fine, I’m actually having an ABSENCE of feeling, a huge disconnect, and *that* is what knocks my physical equilibrium out of whack and possibly even initiates the cascade. Hmm.
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wonderfully written. thank you for expressing my own history with anxiety more poignantly then i could. i had my first panic attack six months ago at work and it was terrifying, as a result i had recurring anxiety attacks at work and would be triggered if i realize i didn’t have my safety xanax. now i’m two weeks free from my job and my anxiety is better, but still present. i think i’ll show this post to people who just don’t understand how consuming anxiety is. thank you.
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I want to tell you a story … and I promise I have a point.
About a year before I was diagnosed with leukemia at age 22, I started having panic attacks. After going to Student Health several times, I wound up in Student Psych Services and on meds. They helped and the panic attacks were controlled.
Then about a year later, I was diagnosed with leukemia. Once I started treatment, the panic attacks went away.
Then a few years later, I started feeling like I was building up to a panic attack, but recognized that I didn’t feel panicked, just that my body was giving out the signals (tachycardia, trouble breathing, dizziness, sweating, etc.) and I interpreted them as panic. My doctors thought maybe it was my thyroid or my diabetes … or that I had problems with anxiety.
Turns out, 17 years later, I was diagnosed with dysautonomia. Damage to my nervous system from the chemotherapy I received for the leukemia. One of the few disorders, according to my cardiologist who used to be a psychiatrist, where the bodily sensations actually cause a feeling of panic — not the mind panicking and the body responding.
I have to wonder …. is your anxiety really your mind? Or could it be you body trying to tell you there was something wrong all these years? After all, the Chiari affected your brain and nervous system, possibly since birth? And there are now residual symptoms…
Just a thought.
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hey there I just wanted to comment your blog and say that I really enjoyed reading your blog post here. It was very informative and I also digg the way you write! Keep it up and I’ll be back to read more soon mate
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