If you had told me a week ago that I would be center stage in a heaping pile of internet drama, I would’ve laughed at you. I rarely engage in drama, and the few times I do it’s either because I’m lacking sleep and totally forget myself or because someone I care about is struggling. And even then, I usually regret it.

I think we’re all naturally attracted to drama because it has that train wreck quality. You can watch it happening and predict the end long before it happens. You know a crash is coming and all you have to do is stand aside and wait. You know that people will divulge facts that shouldn’t be divulged, others will betray friends, and that mud will be slung from all sides. You know it won’t end without casualties. It never does.

The drama that I (in retrospect, willingly) entered into has taken prisoners. It has hurt people, it has hurt friendships, it has hurt feelings, all of which is wildly ironic since the entire reason for the drama was because I was hurt by someone else. The whole point was to stop the hurt, not redirect it.

I can tell you with great sincerity that the intentions of this drama were good. I realize that what it has become doesn’t necessarily possess the same purity, and for that, I am incredibly sorry. If I could’ve foreseen this I would’ve stopped in my tracks, I would’ve thrown a break and the whole disaster might have been prevented. I can only tell you this now, with hindsight, which is startlingly clear and painful.

All that I really want is to move on, to write a fluffy ridiculous blog post about my cat, but I feel like there are people expecting me to say more, to do more, to stand up somewhere and declare right from wrong.

I’m not going to do that.

I don’t think that anyone involved in this is without sin. No one is walking away without making a mistake somewhere along the line, and while some are more egregious than others, the bottom line is that there’s no place for me to cast stones, to shine praise down on anyone or to proclaim a winner or a loser. I am not the judge or jury, I’m an accomplice turned spectator who’s been trying to run out of the room and can’t seem to get away.

(This post has so many metaphors and cliches, it’s outright absurd.)

I can tell you that I’m done with this. I have no interest in further involvement, I’m walking away, in hopes that things will go back to a rough approximation of normal. I have been tiptoeing around the internet this week because I feel like I’ve created such a monster that I don’t know where I belong anymore. I have hurt friends, I have hurt people I barely even know.

I feel like I’ve alienated many people, which is unfortunate and I feel like I have ignited others, which will likely also end up being a bad thing.

If you’ll have me, I just want to get back to my normal affairs. I want to walk away from the drama that I didn’t see coming, that I didn’t ever want, and tell you about how two of my classmates have accidentally touched my ass this week, or how my husband got stuck working on the night shift again for a pregnant co-worker. I want to leave this in the past, with my apology as my final product of this mess. I can’t speak for anyone else and I won’t try to. I am washing my hands of this for good.

And all I have left to say is that I am genuinely sorry for my part in this mess and for the hurt it caused. I never imagined this would happen and I’m sorry it did.

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