On bullying and the internet.
It’s not a secret that for the past six months I’ve been dealing with criticism from people on the internet. It’s come exclusively in the form of anonymous accounts on twitter and anonymous commenters here, initially just one, now four or five. They have all been blocked, most have been asked, both politely and impolitely, to leave me alone. I have made it very clear that I want no part of it, but those requests have fallen on profoundly deaf ears.
I am entirely aware of the fact that I am imperfect. In fact, I’m probably the most aware of that. I’m not saying that I’m beyond criticism or that no one can disagree with me. Disagreement isn’t inherently bad. But there’s a line between disagreeing and harassing, between thinking I’m wrong and calling me names for it.
The advice I’ve been given over and over and over is to ignore these people. And it’s sound advice. But it’s not entirely realistic, at least not for me. There’s something incredibly challenging about knowing that someone is talking about you, mocking you, belittling you and being told not to notice or care. If you can manage this, you’re a bigger person than I am. Because I cannot. I cannot pretend like this isn’t happening, I cannot just buck the fuck up and turn a blind eye. That’s just not me.
And I realize that in that way, I have a part in my own misery.
I was bullied mercilessly in elementary school. Mostly because I was chubby, but also because, like now, I was obviously sensitive. Kids picked on me because they knew that their words had power. My mom once went to the principal of the school to discuss it. The principal told my mother, to her face, that I brought it on myself. And maybe like now I did, maybe I’m the one that causes people to see the target on my back, to see the buttons that are easy to push. I might bring this on myself by caring, I see that now.
But that doesn’t make it okay. That doesn’t make what happened then or what’s happening now acceptable.
I don’t like to throw around labels. It’s not as simple as saying that these people are bullies or trolls because just as one of them pointed out today, the same label could be thrown back at me. I’m not without sin, but what separates them from me is that I’ve never, in my life, set out to make someone feel bad. I’ve never plotted or even considered what I could say or do that would make another person feel bad. I’ve never had someone tell me to leave them alone and then completely ignore their pleas for peace.
I’ve never gone out of my way to tear another person down, not in real life, not on the internet.
One day last week, I got 3 new anonymous accounts following for the intent of mocking, all within a few hours of each other. I toyed with the idea of making my tweets private, as I have several times in the past, but ultimately decided not to for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t think it will actually help. I don’t know who is behind all of this, but I think they would probably find their way to my twitter stream even if I locked it up. And second and more importantly, I am not going to change for someone else, especially not for someone who doesn’t care about me.
I know I’ve said this before, and sadly, I suspect I’ll have to say it again, but if you don’t like me, please don’t read. There are plenty of people on the internet who write about things that I don’t like, or don’t care about. And so I don’t read them. It’s that simple. If you don’t like what I’m saying here, please, don’t read it. If my twitter account bothers you so much, don’t follow me, don’t seek it out, especially not after I’ve blocked you.
I wish I could tell you that after today, I’m going to stop reading these twitter accounts, that I’m going to turn a leaf and stop caring. But I’m not. I will always care, and I think that’s what makes me me. I am sensitive, and while I suspect it will only encourage people more, reading unkind things about myself will always hurt me. Hearing that I’m an asshole for being me, is difficult. Knowing that if I misspell a word, I’ll be crucified by someone who’s too chicken to sign their name to their words is a challenge.
I’m not asking for you to go out and scream to everyone about this, I never really wanted that. I want it to end, I want it to all stop, that’s always been my only goal. I want to feel like I can be me, be who I am, without having other adults try to tear me down for it.
And since that’s not possible, then I’m just going to move on as best I can. I’m not going to try to be what I’m not. I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t bother me, I’m not going to pretend like I’m perfect or refute all claims against me. I don’t have time for that, and I’m not here to lie to you. I’m just going to keep being me.
And if you don’t like that, then all I can really ask is that you leave me alone.
Your words have power, and I’m asking that right now, you consider how you use them. To consider whether what you’re doing is something you’re proud of. Or whether you’re hiding behind fake names because you know what you’re doing is wrong, because you know that if anyone actually knew that it was you, that you’d have to face a similar kind of scrutiny that you’ve forced me to face these past six months.
And I guess in a way I’m grateful for this experience, because it helped me to remember that I would rather be who I am, imperfect, whiny, an asshole and all the other names I have been called in the past 6 months, than a coward any day.
47 Responses to “On bullying and the internet.”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
This is just awful. I am sorry you are dealing with this. The cyber bullying and asshattery is something I just don’t understand. What I do understand is the hurt, and it’s SO unnecessary. Hugs.
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Bullies suck. I don’t understand what makes someone comfortable harassing others. It’s not funny, it’s cruel. Since I was a little kid I was made fun of and I never developed a thick skin. It still hurts. I hate to see it happening to anyone else. Please know you have a lot of people out here supporting you. I know the mean voices are always the loudest, but the nice ones are still out here behind you.
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I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Bullying at any age is horrible, but adults doing it, is mind-boggling.
You are an amazing person. I really hope these Jackholes STFU & leave you alone. *Hugs*
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If it were possible, would you want to know who was doing this? Not that I’m saying that I know anyone who has that kind of access. But if you could find out, would you? And what would you do with that info?
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Katie Reply:
June 14th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
I would. Honestly, if I found out who it was and it was someone I commonly associated with, I’d really have to consider the relationship. If it was someone I don’t know, I’d want to know why, or at least understand how I came to land on their radar.
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I’m really, really sorry this is happening to you.
It happened to me once, a long time ago, and, well, you’ve seen what’s happened to my blog since then.
It pretty much died, that’s what.
I don’t know what to say except that I truly just don’t understand why anyone would choose you. There are a plethora of invertible asshats out there. You just don’t even make any sense as a target.
And I promise you, it does not help AT ALL to know who says it, at least not for me. I had a bunch of nastiness thrown around about me, and I since have learned where it came from, and it actually made it worse.
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Ugh. I hate that you’re dealing with this. seriously haters, get another hobby. Do some good in the world. It’s a cruel enough place out there. leave Katie alone! You want me to punch them? You’ve got enough stuff on your plate without dealing with anonymous idiots.
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Katie, I just don’t understand this crap. I don’t know how to twitter, and I don’t want to. How do people find the time to do this shit??? I barely can read and comment on my favorite friends blogs, let alone spend time looking for someone to pick on. WTF? Just so you know, your blog is one of the first ones I go to everyday, and it is one of my favorites! This has made me very mad to see you upset. I could kick some ass right now.
(fuck them) xoxomo
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Consider this a good method of weeding out the wheat from the shaff (okay, you would think that someone who reads the Bible would actually be able to spell words she takes from it). When you get people who harass you, you also get lots of supporters who don’t usually comment to comment in support of you. That is a good thing, right?
Words do have power. But at some point you have to focus only on the words that come out of your mind or your mouth because, truly, those are the only ones you have control over. You have the power to render those idiots powerless. What fun.
Okay, now that I have been rational and analytical and supportive, let me admit that I hate criticism. I was raised with it constantly and have fought my entire life to rise above it. So I can relate.
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being sensitive myself i suspect it takes a kind of strength, the haters cant fathom let alone possess to acknowledge your vulnerability the way that you do here. not that it makes it easier to deal with.i hope peace finds you soon.
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Ugh! I don’t understand this at all, Katie. I don’t get what these people gain out of doing this to you…but I will admit I have never understood that whole “mean” concept usually associated with girls. In my life, as a kid and teenager, I didn’t have to deal with it so it always surprises me when it happens now…it’s not something I expect, nor do I think I will ever get used to it. Not for you, not for me, not for anybody.
I know for sure that, like you, I would never be able to turn the other cheek. It would grate at me, especially if they “followed” me around, the way they are doing to you. That’s just sick!
I’m just so sorry this is happening to you, Katie…then and now. And, for the record, the principal that told your Mom you brought it on yourself was a total and complete jerkwad.
I have a question for you. Do you think going through this type of thing has made you a nicer, more compassionate person towards others? I ask because I noticed that happened to me after dealing with some less-than-stellar people. I just SO did not want to be like that, I went the other direction…at least for a little while!
I hope this stops. And I wish you could find out who is doing it. I would punch them in the lips for you. That’s my little way of being nice and showing compassion. HA.
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Katie Reply:
June 15th, 2010 at 6:02 am
Hey Kim
It is grating. Incredibly so. I’m not entirely sure it’s made me more compassionate. A lot of crap has happened in the past year or so, and I think that I’ve learned to be more compassionate because of a lot of factors in my life. I do think I’m less apt to fly off the handle on twitter/my blog as a result of these people because I’m learning that knee-jerk reactions are often what cause the most drama, trauma and problems.
Ultimately, what I think this has done is made me really consider how I trust people, who I trust and why. And hopefully having the time to consider that will strengthen the real relationships I have and allow me to leave behind the others.
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“I cannot just buck the fuck up and turn a blind eye. That’s just not me.”
Katie, I have the same anti “buck the fuck up” gene. I can’t begin to tell you how refreshing it is to find out I’m not the only one.
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Cyber bullying enrages me. It’s normally directed at people like yourself that have done nothing to bring it on. I have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see it too. If someone’s going to be a spiteful jerk for kicks, I feel I have today something. Probably just fuels the fire, but doing nothing feels wrong.
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i’m sorry that this is happening.. i went through all of school being bullied.. and it sucks. its also why i start blogs but don’t put much into them.. people are cruel.. its also why i took the time to introduce myself before follwing/commenting on twitter/here.. so that you know who is “real” and who sucks :X
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My mother is going through this right now and it makes me want to track these people down and teach them a lesson or two. My mom is a very vocal conservative on twitter and has over 1,000 followers. She is very respectful with her tweets but lately she has been attacked. Every day she has new people follow her with the intent to humiliate and mock her.
She has been called so many horrible names and it makes me sick. This is my MOTHER!
I am not going to sit here and tell you to ignore it. I sure as hell can’t ignore it when it is happening to my mother. I don’t know what to tell you. Stupid assholes.
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I was tormented in elementary school. It took a lot of work to get through it.
From where I am now, I think the response isn’t really to ignore it, although that’s what people say. I think it’s more along the lines of the CBT my therapist and I have been doing – you have to retrain your emotional muscle to have a new response (a shrug instead of a kick?).
Anyway, massive hugs of support. And you’re not a troll or a bully, because you’re not just doing it to be mean.
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If I’d been your mom, I probably would’ve punched that elementary school principal. But I was the fat kid at school who was picked on mercilessly, so I might be a teensy bit oversensitive about that.
I can’t help but wonder what sort of mental problems these people have, that saying nasty things about strangers on the Internet makes them feel empowered. I think they must be in dire need of massive quantities of pharmaceuticals. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for this type of behavior.
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I was never picked on in school but have always been super sensitive about just about everything. Things just weight heavily on my heart and bring me down. When I was younger I knew that was part of me but as I got older it was a lot to handle. There was a time when I was overmedicated and quit caring about everything. In some ways it was a relief but it wasn’t me and I didn’t like it. It almost made me feel worse to know that I was one of the people that just didn’t care about anything. I didn’t cry, I didn’t grieve and things didn’t make me feel sad anymore. It was too foreign and like you said – it just wasn’t me.
Sometimes it feels like a burden to be soft hearted and care so much but the alternative is worse. The ironic thing is that the trolls think what their doing makes them feel good about themselves but they just don’t know what it’s really like to care. That’s kind of a sad thing. It doesn’t make me (or any of us) less mad though!
You have mentioned the trolls before and I’m still trying to figure out what they get on your case about. There is nothing that can be taken as offensive ever written. Plus the fact that they follow you… that’s just a pitiful life to lead.
I’m sorry Katie! I really am. I have always said that I didn’t care what people said about me I just never wanted to know. Try not to torture yourself
I’ll end my novel with saying that we love you Katie <3
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I don’t think I’ve ever left a comment. But I did want to weigh in on the bullying issue. If you think about it, whoever is leaving nasty comments must not have a life because it takes a lot of time and energy to read someone’s blog and then pick it apart with their comments. There are a lot of SICK people in this world and this is one way they can satisfy their disease. Look at it this way, you may have a “sickness” with your headaches, but they have a mental sickness as evidenced by their hateful comments. Best of luck to you and just know that those of us who are sane, are on your side.
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Bullies suck.
You, are awesome and I adore and admire you
xoxoxo
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I was tormented throughout all of my school years. I was painfully shy and suffered debilitating social anxiety, and still do. It’s severely damaged my ability to trust people. If I made an effort to ignore it (and they noticed) it got worse. If I fought back in any way, it got worse. It was always a no win situation. I have never understood why people do these things. I feel for you, I really do. I, like you, lack the ability to “buck the fuck up.” It’s just too difficult.
They are wrong when they say that you could also be considered a bully or a troll, because you are not seeking out to attack people. You are not searching out ways to tear people down, mock them, or just out right hurt them…but you already know that. Calling people out on their shit does not make you a bully or a troll. It makes you the bigger person.
I hope it doesn’t last and they lose interest, or they realize just how wrong they are. And I hope you get some peace soon. You don’t deserve this, no one does.
Karma’s a bitch. They’ll have to answer for their actions eventually. Especially when they meet their maker.
Take care.
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Katie –
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. This is the last thing in the world that you need to be dealing with, nor do you deserve an ounce of it.
I had my share of this in the midst of my divorce. People I used to know running about making allegations of things I said or taking other things completely out of context just to make me look bad. In the end, the attacks on me were merely a means to boost themselves up.
That didn’t ease the hurt, though. For as much as I’d like to intellectualize the hurt away, I will admit, I occasionally check in on the trolls just to make sure they’re minding their own business. And I will also admit that I chuckle a little when I see that life has served them a little slice of karma pie.
In the end, know that you are loved by the people that matter. You know, like me.
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You never forget the bullies. You just don’t. I remember mine and it’s been well past 20 years since any of them had any power or control over me (well, one I’m about 12 years distant from, but there you are).
I don’t care what people say, bullying doesn’t make you stronger, it doesn’t make you a better person, and you don’t bring it on yourself.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I wish it would stop.
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Katie, I have been following you on twitter and your blog for some time (I have chronic daily headache/migraine) and I am shocked to learn you’ve been having this go on for so long. And I am sorry to hear that it’s negatively affected you so much, that you are now chosing your words more carefully. These bullies are weak and cowardly. They are also mean. And mean people suck. I hope you consider locking your account-it may help.
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Please keep blogging and keep tweeting. I hate that people are out there attacking my friend. But I’m glad you are not just “bucking up.” They have no power here. Eff ‘em! xoxo
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i hate, HATE that you have had to endure this. the internet can get to be a crazy and scary place some times. and this just sucks… b/c there actually is a lot of good out there, but it’s becoming more and more difficult to find.
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That really sucks. I was also bullied in elementary school. It helps me to consider why bullies bully others. I feel sorry for them because they do it because they want to bring themselves up. It is really disgusting. But that doesn’t make it go away. I wish there was something you could say to them. But trolls feed off of that stuff. They want you to be really upset. They want you to quit tweeting and blogging. Please don’t let them win. The best revenge is for you to stay confident in yourself and carry on despite what they say.
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I just don’t get it. Don’t they have better things to do with their time?? Sheeze.
Can’t wait to meet you SOON!!
xoxo & lots of BLUE CHEESE
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No matter what happens, words always do sting. I’ll always remember the insults I get, no matter how unfounded or undeserved they are. I’m not sure why anyone would target you–no really, I came into the drama late–and I am sorry. You don’t deserve it.
Sending you love and light.
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I know what you mean. I, too, was teased for being chubby and for being overly sensitive. And I, too, have continued to carry that sensitivity with me into adulthood – to the point where I have ceased working in customer service situations because I am incapable of putting up the wall that makes it possible to not take things personally when an irate customer gets abusive.
So yeah… I get it. And I hate seeing such a sweet person as yourself go through it.
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People suck. I don’t know what possesses adults to act like monsters.
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Katie, I am a great fan of yours. We have never met, obviously, but I feel connected really because we are both Chiari survivors. I got your back, no matter what.
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Anyone who would do this is very, very small.
I’m so sorry, Katie.
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I’m so sorry Katie! One of the things I hate about social media is that it seems to brings out the 13 year-old trapped inside some people. But I do love your blog and hope that bullying doesn’t discourage you!
p.s. From your earlier post – that would be a epic mash up!!!
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Mean people suck. Try to focus instead on all the goodies who have come out of the woodwork to support you. I know it’s not enough. But we’re here.
When I strongly disagree with someone I try to choose my words carefully to remain respectful, it doesn’t always work though so sometimes I just choose to say nothing. It’s the anonymous part of this situation that REALLY bothers me.
Anyway, thinking of you and hope it stops soon!!!
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Holy Crap Katie, I just went back and read some of your blog from the past with all this hate stuff. Unbelievable! What ever happened with your Godmother? Did she ever apologize or what?
mo
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I think it’s safe to say that bullies are really really really poor. They totally suck.
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So you know, I made my best attempts to make amends with Anna, if nothing else to end some of the negativity and focus on the task at hand. Katie, this whole exercise proved this to be a small group of hateful people, not the legions they pretend to be. Also, when everyone ignores them their victims just get mercilessly beaten down. I have seen my friends cry over this stuff. Some have shut down their blogs. We tried ignoring, now I’m going the opposite direction. I’m going to make theirl lives miserable, Katie. I already have. Believe me. They did their best to convince us it wasn’t a conspiracy. They LOST. That is big, and they will never tell you that. I am not done with this by a longshot. Everything you said is absolutely accurate and it’s obvious you’re an awesome person and largely supported. They hate you because people like you and don’t like them, not because of who you are. I’m going to turn the hate on them, make them see how it feels. This thing, while kind of what they do, is really not what they do. They get away with it because people ignore it. Now we’ll see how they function that we knoew exactly what they are. This is a major blow, and all their misdirection has proven nothing other than these are pathetic losers, most of them have 50 followers and half of those are other attack accounts. The first thing we can do is consider the source and feel better. It can also be the last thing we do, but I have no interest in watching it go underground and resurface. I’m going to do my best to smash them into a million tiny pieces. The only reason I found about you is because they were after me, and when I saw what they were doing to you, I became enraged. Now it’s not about you, it’s about keeping them from doing it to others. Thanks and I’m super glad you wrote this.
-Clay
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I don’t understand why people spend the time writing hate mail. If they don’t like something, why not just move along? Oh, wait. That would be rational.
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I guess the thing is, part of being as sensitive as you are? Is a blessing and a curse. I know it, because I’m the same way. Makes it too hard to ignore the asshats. Just know, I think you’re awesome.
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The online bullying is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered in my entire life. I still cannot believe that someone smart enough to use a computer is lacking the compassion gene.
I hate that you go through this. I hate that I go through it, but I hate that you do more, because you are such a sweet, kind, smart, amazing person who’s only fault is sensitivity. I wish I could take some of your sensitivity and give you some of my indifference. I wish I could make you stop hurting.
These people are DEPRAVED. And even though I tell you every day, I will again – you are awesome. I am so glad you’re my friend.
Also, you make the yummiest baked goods EVER.
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Katie,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Like you don’t have enough to deal with. I just don’t get it, I don’t. I, too, always seem to attract at least one ‘of those’ people in every situation I seem to be in. I’ve never understood why and I probably never will. I think Issa is right… being sensitive is a blessing and a curse. I makes us mor loving, more compassionate, more empathetic and passionate. Unfortunately, it also makes us hurt more. But I wouldn’t trade who I am, if it meant being on the other side… the side that’s hurtful and disrespectful and just plain mean and wrong. So very, very wrong.
*hugs* to you. You didn’t cause any drama. Don’t blame yourself for any of this, hon. For every 1 troll there are a hundred people who think you’re just fabulous. Make that one hundred… and one
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The reason you take it personally is that you suspect, somewhere deep down, it might be true, even if just in a small way. Things you know are absolutely untrue won’t touch you.
But it’s not about you. Whatever they say about you, they ARE. Otherwise giving someone a hard time wouldn’t have an emotional charge for them.
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Katie Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Hot damn you’re wise Suebob.
I do think that sometimes it also bothers me when I know something is completely false because I’m afraid someone else will believe them too. And while it’s silly because I shouldn’t care, the last thing I want is for other people to jump on the bandwagon.
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*HUGS* I have a lot of friends who are geeky and were bullied as kids, for their sensitivity and such. while I wasn’t as bad off–I had other weirdos to be friends with–I understand being made fun of, and the hurt it causes.
You are not alone. *HUGS HUGS HUGS*
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Anyone who would do this has serious issues. Serious.
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