I woke up with a start at 4:55 this morning. And I realized pretty quickly that it was because of a stomachache. Not queasy feeling, just pain. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not get back to sleep to enjoy those last 30 minutes of rest. It didn’t help that the sleep I had gotten wasn’t particularly good to begin with.

I don’t handle bad days particularly well on a good night of sleep, but on less than 6 hours of crappy sleep, it ended up being just one ingredient in a recipe for failure.

I got ready and went to school despite the stomachache. The whole morning was just off. The details and reasons aren’t important, but I just felt, well, invisible. And I left school feeling weighted down. I hoped it was just the tired and moved on despite it.

I raced to the imaging center near my neurosurgeon’s office to pick up the last set of MRIs that I hadn’t gotten so that I could give a mostly complete to the new neurologist. From there, I went to the new doctor’s office, but for all that racing, was an hour early.

So I sat down at a coffee shop and did some studying.

My appointment was at 1:45, but since I hadn’t gotten the packet of paperwork I was supposed to get and fill out prior to the appointment, I decided to head in early so I could get that taken care of. At 1:15, I walked to the office door, only to realize that, oh hey, they had moved to a different building. A different building several miles away.

GAH.

So I (paid for parking and) got in my car and drove to the new office, hoping the traffic wouldn’t have picked up in the thirty minutes I sat wasting time. And the more I drove the more I realized that these streets looked an awful lot like the ones I had been on when I went to pick up my MRIs the first time.

And well, as it turns out, those were the very same streets. Because basically I drove around in a giant almost circle. Sigh.

I wish that this is the part where I told you all about how the new doctor turned my crappy day around. I really do. But I’m not going to, because I’m not feeling like writing fantasy tonight.

I found the office and tried to check in. I say tried because apparently I didn’t have an appointment. According to them, I had never called, never given all my information, never set up this appointment or had to rearrange a whole bunch of school stuff to make this work. Nope, never took place.

And instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, instead of offering to squeeze me in or make it work, they made me feel uncomfortable. Before long, I felt shame burning on my cheeks. The more they sighed and looked for any information about me, the more I found myself doubting what I had done. Wondering if I had constructed the whole thing. And before I could stop myself, I was apologizing, in front of them, with tears in my eyes.

In the end, I filled out a piece of paper with all the information I had already given them and was given an appointment next Wednesday. And then I drove home, in the same pain I arrived in, with big heavy sobs of frustration and hopelessness.

It’s already difficult for me to find hope right now. It’s difficult for me to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And yet, last night, I let myself do it again. I let hope in, I let myself wish, for just a moment, that things were going to change starting today. And just like every other time, I am left feeling devastated.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep trying to be positive, to be optimistic when it just results in my hopes being shattered again and again. I can’t keep dreaming of all these wonderful things because when faced with reality, it’s crushing.

I’m done putting myself out there just to be hurt. I’m done wishing, I’m done hoping for more. There isn’t anything more. Even things that seem like they’re a sure thing, aren’t. I should know that by now.

And maybe this day will be what sets me free, what stops the emotional hurt from piling onto the physical pain.

Because I’m done.

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