Help Unwanted
It’s been 3 days shy of a month since I sat at this computer and admitted that I have a problem. I don’t know what I expected to happen after that day. I had already told my husband I would see a therapist. I had already told him I was doing better.
Well, I didn’t. And better is a very relative term.
I’m eating enough calories now. I’m still losing a little weight, but not at an alarming or unhealthy rate. Just enough to keep giving me that little exhilaration of success, of control. Just enough to keep giving me that hit of my mental addiction that I need to make it through the day.
My eating may have improved, but the mental side of this remains unchanged. I can’t talk to anyone about it, or I guess, it’s not an inability, it’s just that I don’t want to. I feel alarmingly alone, even though I have people on all sides of me, offering me a rope to climb out of this hole. Even though I have people who are willing to build me a ladder to get out.
The truth is, I like this hole.
I like that I’m doing something successfully. And I like the way my body is starting to look. And I know how incredibly fucked up that sounds. I really do.
I make jokes about having an eating disorder with some people who know. I make jokes about being a control freak all the time. But it’s not really a joke. It’s serious, and I know that. But I’m still not able, not willing, to face it.
It’s easy for people who are outside of this to sit aside and say, hey, this girl needs therapy. This girl needs a trained professional to help her. She needs to realize that she’s hurting herself, even if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. This girl needs someone to help her find a healthier way to find control, or a strategy to give up control altogether.
It’s easy to be an observer on this life.
But it’s not easy to live it.
I don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t like to talk about this, at all. I don’t like to talk, aloud, about the things I’m doing wrong, about how I am not normal, not right. I don’t want to sit in a room and try to dissect why I am the way I am. I don’t want to tell another person that I need help, I don’t want to admit that I’m not okay, out loud, to someone who doesn’t know me. To be honest, I can’t even say it out loud to people who know me well.
I don’t want help.
But I need help.
I knew I needed help when I finished my birthday dinner and worried, unreasonably, about how much weight I had gained in one day. On my birthday. I knew I needed help when I was willing to skip out on eating a cupcake that my sister and I baked last weekend because I had already eaten more for lunch than I had planned in my head. I knew I needed help when I stepped on the scale and felt crushed because I had gained back .6 pounds.
.6 pounds should not ruin a day. Birthdays should not be a time for thinking about weight. A cupcake should not cause mental distress.
I know this. I know all of this. And if it was as easy as knowing, then I wouldn’t be typing this at all.
I know I need help, but more than that, I know I don’t want it. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to sit for hours having another person dissect my life, my brain, my problems.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I don’t know the next chapter in this story. I just know that it’s only just begun. I know that the resolution won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy. I know it will involve tears and that it will involve time.
And I know at some point, it will involve help.
But not today. Not yet.
22 Responses to “Help Unwanted”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
Do you know anyone else who is or has gone through treatment for an eating disorder? It may help to hear from women who feel the same way you do. Maybe you’ll find someone you identify with on a personal level and maybe her story could help you turn yours around. That happened to me with alcohol. It hit me when I had just started facing the fact that I was an alcoholic. Talking here is a huge step. If you’re not ready to get help, at least you’re aware that it’s available. I’m glad you have supportive people around you. I wish you strength and the readiness you need down the road to face this head-on. You can do it. I’m rooting for you. xo
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No brilliant comments today. No witty comebacks.
Just listening.
And you are talking. Selective as to whom, but you are talking.
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Here’s the thing. Nobody wants to go to therapy when you desperately need it. I don’t have the same type of issue, but I think the resistance to treatment is similar.
My mom had to strong arm me into treatment, but thank god she did. I still struggle, but I have a place to go now and it really helps.
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Also, there are many different types of therapy. Some of the newer techniques don’t involve the whys and what fors. They focus more on changing your behavior and living.
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I am here to listen too. You are a smart woman, I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know. So I will listen. When the time is right you will do what you need too.
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Big Hugs to you.
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I have been at the hospital all day with my husband who is in congestive heart failure and that probably makes me a little protective of our relationship but this jumped out at me and I feel honor bound to bring it to you. My husband is my best friend. He is nonjudgmental, always willing to listen, etc. By telling your husband you’re seeking treatment, you’re better, etc. you’re living a lie with your husband who loves you, who is in the medical profession and knows that humans have physical and emotional problems. Would you want him not to play straight with you? If you don’t want to talk to anyone for yourself, that’s one thing, but think of your relationship with your husband. I think you owe him honesty even to tell him what you said on this post, that you are comfortable with where you are and you don’t want to talk to anyone. Keeping you in my prayers. JMHO.
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Maybe just blogging about it will help you through it…sometimes my blog is like my only escape even when I am feeling so alone. Granted we have different situations, after my best friend was missing for a month and then was found dead and likely kidnapped, I have spent this past year listening to people telling me that I HAVE to see a counselor about my problems and grief and what I experienced that month while looking for him. No thanks I said multiple times. I didn’t want to speak to some stranger about it who didn’t know me.
Keep blogging, it might turn out to be the best option for you!
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This is a tough one. I don’t know the answer. I have a feeling you will get through this in your own time.
mo
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My 2 cents: Change is a process. Just because you recognize you have a problem doesn’t mean you feel equipped to tackle it. Just because you say you need help doesn’t mean you want help. Plus you have a lot of things going on, and my guess is that something is going to have to give or get put on the shelf to free up time for you to deal with your eating disorder. Are you familiar with the work of Prochaska and DiClemente and their stages of change? http://psychology.about.com/od/behavioralpsychology/ss/behaviorchange.htm When you are ready to move to the next step and take action, you will. In the meantime, please don’t injure yourself or your relationships.
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atleast you are honest with yourself. you may not have the answers and you may be struggling but you aren’t lying to yourself. i wish you didn’t have to lie to your husband, but thats your relationship to handle and not mine to judge (besides my marriage is so far from perfect right now that i wonder why we’re married..)
hopefully as time goes by, you’ll get to a place where you will want/accept help.. until then, we’re here to listen/support you. I also have faith in those around you IRL that if things get WAY out of controll, they will step in no matter what.
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Katie Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 5:47 am
To be fair, I wouldn’t say that I lied to him. When I told him those things, I truly meant them, I wanted them. Things just haven’t gone exactly as I had planned.
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Anne Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
well, then that is better
and nothing in life goes as planned.. so thats understandable.. hopefully you can figure out what will work for YOU.
btw, totally off topic (damn ADD) but i am getting sucked into glee.. i watched part of the Lady gaga episode last night..
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Katie Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Woo hoo. Everyone should watch Glee. We didn’t watch last night’s episode last night because Slappy had to work late. Am looking forward to watching it tonight!
To admit there is a problem is the first step. We are all here to listen to you and help you if/when we can.
Thinking of you today.
Anne
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No comment other than I hope you’re able to work through this soon….
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I know that you can’t really control anything else that your body is doing right now, so this control feels great. But please don’t wait till your thinking processes are so impaired that it’s almost too late to get the help you need. Please?
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I so, so get this. I’ve been trying so hard not to fall back into the same pattern lately. I’m here, and I understand.
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Hey I am a control freak too! I think you are very brave for admitting this and talking about it openly on your blog. I hope you can be brave enough to talk to your husband or someone that can help you when you are ready.
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Your comments regarding your cupcake and your .6lbs sent chills down my spine. I’ve been there.
And I’m here.
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This is a form of therapy. Also, if you need enabling for not talking to someone, I’m your gal.
I don’t like talking about stuff either.
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*HUGS*
If you ever want to talk, I’m willing to listen. xoxo
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