Syntaxing my brain
I don’t consider myself much of a hypochondriac. Or at least, not out loud. If we’re being perfectly honest, I constantly think that I have any number of exotic diseases in my head, but rarely actually admit them out loud. Or when I do admit them out loud, I’m usually joking.
(That was a lot of “ors” in one sentence, eh?)
And I’m trying to keep this latest one in my head, but well, I can’t. Mostly because other people are noticing it too.
In the past week or so, there seems to be a growing disconnect between my brain and my hands. It’s shown up when writing notes in class, texting, typing, anywhere. Anytime I’m trying to write out words. They come out backwards or with spelling errors, or sometimes, they’re the absolute wrong word. The latter is becoming the most common.
And the craziest part is that I re-read the words and sentences several times and do not notice the error until someone else points it out.
Exhibit A
(Important note: the time stamp is 2 hours ahead, I never changed my settings after moving from New Orleans).
So first, I kept typing tendons as tendongs, then moved onto tendonds. Then I went ahead and used the completely wrong version of the verb to do. And I didn’t notice AT ALL. Someone else had to show it to me.
Exhibit B
These are my notes from today. Note the double of the word loading, once mispelled, and the misspelling of high and stress and probably. I’m not going to pretend like my notes are usually legible or always spelled right, but this wasn’t written rapidly and it, like me, is a hot mess.
I do have a doctor’s appointment a week from Wednesday and I want to talk about this with the new doctor, but I feel like I’m being ridiculous. Yet, at the same time, to say I’m concerned would be an understatement. This just isn’t like me, and no matter how hard I concentrate, it keeps happening.
I was willing to credit it to lack of sleep, but I slept for 10 hours last night and was wide awake through class today. I was willing to credit it only to pain, but the headache wasn’t as bad this afternoon. There just doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason. Except that my brain is increasingly jacked up.
Logically I know I’m reading too much into this, but also, I know that something is different. And it’s affecting (effecting?) my ability to do work, to think, to communicate and learn. And it’s both annoying and a little scary.
School and life haven’t been easy lately, but communicating with other people, focusing on school and working hard have been the few things I’ve held onto to maintain my sanity. And as time passes, it seems like I’m losing those too.
And with them, my patience, sanity and the very little ability to cope that I still have.
18 Responses to “Syntaxing my brain”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
So, last Friday I got in a heated argument about if the photo used in an illustration was actually Bill Cosby. I am taking the photo to the neurologists next week because today, he looks nothing like Bill Cosby.
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I’d talk about it, just because it is something else that is happening, along with the rest. And yes, it sucks to feel like there is something continuously wrong – am there, and doing that, too.
Deep breathe, and keep on going. We’re here cheering for you.
And, it’s affecting.
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Me three. Delete and backspace are my new BFF’s. Ever since surgery I have had problems with spelling and continuously have to check and recheck what I have typed. I am ALWAYS putting letters back the front and am ALWAYS hitting the wrong letter/number on the keyboard even though I know what I should be hitting, same when dialing phone numbers. Something wrong with neural pathways perhaps??
I would be very interested to know what your new doctor says Katie, and will let you know if I find out anything off my Dr.
Good luck
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It must have something to do with the nerve pathways and relationship to pain. I am having a hell of a time. I continue to find numbers programmed incorrectly in my phone, I read, reread and reread again before sending something and things are wrong. I stop mid-sentence because I can’t recall the word I want to use and I can’t explain the simplest concept to save my life. I have lived in the same apartment since 1998 and in the area for almost 40 years and I was trying to give someone directions (mind you I have been able to direct people to this “place” since I was three–street names and all) and I couldn’t do it. I thought I was crazy so I wasn’t go to say anything to anyone and talk to my neurologist when I go for my follow-up tomorrow (I need to be seen a minimum of 5 times a year). The other thing is I feel like my brain is sloshing around in my head. The best way I can explain it would be like what an ice cube does in a glass (crazy) is what I think my brain is doing.
Katie I am sure the email I sent you @ G-d only knows what time it was probably sucked.
Misery loves company, maybe?
Jodi (a 26+ year chronic DAILY migrainer–and I will be 40).
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I don’t think you are being silly. If you think something is wrong, you are probably right. Tell your doctor. Sure, they might tell you it’s nothing and you will go on and be fine. But there is a chance they will be concerned too. And there is always a chance that it could be another clue on the path to getting rid of your pain.
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Doubting yourself is always frightening. I have trouble typing and manipulating a mouse thanks to RA in my hands. When I am tired it is 10x worse, and I have resigned myself to the fact that pretty much no one else can read my handwriting anymore, but as a dyslexic this has *always* been an issue for me. To have it crop up new- yes, I would be concerned too. I hope that your doc takes it seriously, and looks into it with you!
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It’s one thing to do that kind of thing keyboarding – but to do that HANDWRITING???? Yes. talk to your doctor about it – sooner rather than later.
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I’m not saying it’s the same thing… But there are definitely times when I go through periods where I can’t think of the right word… Or I type completely different words than I’m thinking of… Or I can’t remember how to spell certain common words. It is generally related to stress. And my god, you have about eight thousand times the stress that I do. (In awe of you, as usual!)
THAT SAID… Your doctor’s job is to listen to your concerns. If you are concerned about something, that means it is NOT silly. It may not trigger concern in your doctor, but I think anything that is causing you anxiety is something worthwhile to mention.
Good luck at the appointment!
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I would definitely mention this to your doctor. It could be part of what is already going on, or it could be something else. I wouldn’t discount it, though. It sounds pretty serious to me.
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Ok, not to freak you out or anything but I worked in the legal and medical field where my accuracy was of the utmost importance I had at one time majoring in Lit in college ( I changed my major 100 times I think). Point is about 4 yrs ago my words stopped coming verbally, but since I am a nutball everyone would laugh, this was my first complaint that took me to the dr. In the last year I have noticed my writing is the same way. Luckily for me, I am not in college anymore, don’t work in those fields, and I had stopped the need to communicate on paper, only pushing thru verbally and doing a lot of speaking helped with the verbal which still shows it’s ugly head every now and then. My writing is always technically horrible now, and often cryptic, but I am finding the more I write hopefully the better it gets.
Hope the same for you, keeping hanging in there.
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Well, since you’re going to the doctor anyway, it certainly can’t hurt to mention it. Although, I have to admit, I do the same thing all. the. time. I blame the small human who has destroyed half of my brain cells.
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I definitely think you should mention it because it can’t hurt.
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I would mention it. I don’t think you are a hypochondriac. You’d never know if this is connected to something else.
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I think those of us with chronic illness are allowed to be hypochondriac like!
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Hmmm…doctors stereotypically have bad handwriting. So you have to wonder if a doctor would see it as a problem. I’m kidding. But maybe bring in samples of previous writing to compare?
When I started having cognitive difficulties (due to pain)it scared the bejesus out of me. Now it just ticks me off. But I understand your concern.
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As you and many others mentioned, I do many of the same things. I attribute it to being in chronic pain for about 6 years now. I have read articles that suggest living with chronic pain actually changes the structure of your brain and contributes to the loss of gray matter. Which means, theoretically, if you could get rid of your pain, your brain might return to its previous state of better functioning.
(In the meantime, it sure makes taking notes, writing blog posts and proofreading an adventure!)
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I concur with others- do mention it.
Having been in chronic pain for 20 years, I get how pain can interfere with words- spoken and written. Sometimes nothing comes out how it is intended.
Seeing the doc as soon as you notice new “stuff” never hurts, and can only ease your mind.
Yes, it’s depressing to add something else to the list, yes, it sucks.
We are pulling for you. Keep your chin up and keep us posted so we can send you warm fuzzies.
Hang in there.
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Meep. I had a hard time coming up with a simple word yesterday, for a moment–I finally got it when I had the work-around phrase–but, probably pain-induced.
*HUGS*
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