90,269 Reasons
We had a meeting at school yesterday about a change in our health insurance plan for next year. When it was over, I asked the woman in charge of the insurance how I could find out how much I’ve paid in claims this year. I’m supposed to have a $3500 out of pocket maximum, but given the $2600 I shelled out for MRIs (the ones from January) last week, I am almost completely sure I’ve exceeded that.
She guided me to the insurance website and showed me where I could find out how much I’ve been charged for my health care. What I saw astounded me.
I added up my health care costs (before insurance) for just this year. Hell, just since mid-August.
$90,269
This year I have had nearly one hundred thousand dollars of medical care. And I still have this God-forsaken headache.
I can barely begin to describe how frustrating that is. How I have failed so many treatments already. How we still have no idea how to fix this. How we still have no idea what the problem really is.
A few weeks ago, I got an email from a reader who lives in Los Angeles and sees a doctor who is both a neurologist and a pain management specialist. I did my research. The doctor sounded great, perfect actually. The only problem was that I only get one referral per specialist per insurance year. In my insurance, there is no such thing as a second opinion. And of course, I’ve already used my neurology referral for the year.
I set aside the recommendation for August when the new insurance year starts. Though if we’re being honest, I was hoping that I wouldn’t need it.
And then I got an email from my school. From May 15th to August 16th, we can go to any insurance covered provider without a referral. I called the health center to make sure I hadn’t lost my mind (sidenote: the lady at the health center now thinks I’m a totally illiterate moron), and it was true. I’m not a big believer in signs, but uh, I’m pretty sure that was one.
And then May 15th came and went. And I didn’t call the new doctor.
And so did May 16th. And 17th and 18th.
I could not bring myself to pick up the phone.
I don’t want to go to another doctor. I don’t want to move onto pain management. Pain management seems like giving up. It’s like saying that there’s no hope of finding the cause of these headaches. That they really will be here forever. And I hate that thought.
And I hate the connotation that pain management has in some communities.
But more than anything, I hate the way my life is right now. I hate that last week I had a headache that made all (non-lumbar puncture) headaches look like nothing. I hate that the headaches are continuing to get worse, to get more incapacitating. I hate that I’ve lost almost 10 months to this headache now.
And so on Wednesday, I picked up the phone.
I’m seeing the new doctor on June 2nd. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what she’ll be able to do for me, if anything.
But I’ve got about 10 months and another 90,269 reasons why I need to try anyway.
12 Responses to “90,269 Reasons”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I am glad that you haven’t given up trying. I am oh so sorry that your pain level is going up-I can’t wrap my brain around that and how you manage so much. I hope you cut yourself some slack if you need to. Chronic pain does wear you down. I hope your appointment goes well.
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Good luck! Hope the new doctor helps. I’ll be thinking about you.
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Katie, You have had a terribly emotional week. I sure hope your appointment with this new guy will help you. You need a break!
xoxomo
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It’s not giving up… it’s finding something to help in the mean time so you can find the energy and emotional stamina to keep searching for a permanent fix.(and, man, I hope that reads as supportive and not ass-y.)
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purplebreath Reply:
May 22nd, 2010 at 8:38 pm
My thoughts exactly! But I’m starting to understand what you mean (as much as one can from a pain-free existence).
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I can’t imagine there could be a stigma about pain management. Isn’t it a coping skill, like stress management?
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i’ve been reading your blog for a little while now, and have to say i really admire your perserverance.
One thing that just occurred to me is that people do not really “remember” pain like they remember other things. Yes they can remember how much it hurt but that memory does not bring with it pain. So when we forget we have a harder time being more empathetic.
I’m probably really wrong or just being repetitious.
But yeah the whole point of this comment was to say you can do it! you rock!
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Im so sorry to hear that you are still in pain. I can relate to how you’re feeling a bit. People are all “Have you tried alternative medicine for pain?” and I am not opposed to that but I would sure as hell like to know whats going on first and to treat the cause instead of just treating the symptoms. I hope it works out for you or you at least find some relief!
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I don’t even want to know what negative connotation pain management could possibly have. Seriously?? If someone’s in chronic pain, what’s wrong with treating that? Lame.
I hope the doctor is GREAT. I really do. Keep us posted!
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Great news. An appointment on June 2nd. I have an appointment on June 2nd as well. Maybe we’ll both get great news, a super plan, and will start on our individual roads to total wellness.
In a way, I wish my appt was with a neurologist instead of an interventional radiologist. Then I could ask her why I keep singing, “I wear my sunglasses at night” in my head without stopping.
I don’t even know that song other than that one line.
And I don’t wear sunglasses at night.. .although they do say it is great in a blinding rainstorm. It unblinds you.
Maybe I could synchronize the windshield wipers to the tune?
Expecting the best…for both of us!
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Wow, good luck with the new Dr. It is good that you don’t want to give up but sucks that you still have to deal with insurance.
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Yikes, I’d hate to see how much I’ve spent on medical care during the last three years!
I hope that this new specialist will have some new ideas, and will be able to not only teach you some pain management techniques, but maybe they will also be able to treat you and lessen the pain. Don’t give up hope!
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