I got on twitter this morning while I was stuck in traffic. I sort of figured it can’t be illegal to look at twitter when your car is in park on the freeway. I certainly wasn’t going to hit anyone.

When twitter loaded I saw a tweet from a friend that was a link to a blog post, which in and of itself isn’t at all abnormal. The post was titled “The Worst Possible Thing Has Happened.”

At first, I thought it was going to be a joke. A story of hyperbole. I wondered if my friend was pregnant, thereby making her blog domain (notamomma) not work for her any longer. I wondered if it was something silly, or pretend drama.

And then I clicked on the link.

My friend Mary Jo died on Saturday. My friend Mary Jo, who was only 29 years old, died. I keep typing it because I’m wondering if that will make it stop being true. Or if it’ll make it sink in.

I am in disbelief.

I am heartbroken.

I know that it’s hard for a lot of people to understand friendships that are born on the internet and so I’ve kept this mostly to myself today. No, I never met Mary Jo. But we talked on twitter frequently, we were friends on Facebook. We played Words With Friends constantly. My husband always referred to her as Maryjors (the last part rhyming with doors) because that’s her name on twitter and words with friends. We would talk about whether he was beating her or not, since for whatever reason I could beat her, but my husband, the scrabble wiz, could not.

She was my friend.

She came to me a few weeks ago asking for help with her health. I knew she’d been sick and I offered her some advice. I told her to go back to her doctor because I didn’t think he was taking her seriously. She asked me another question a day later (mostly unrelated to what we’d talked about before) and I didn’t know the answer. But I didn’t push her to go back to see a doctor.

I know this isn’t about me, and I have no intention of making it that way. But I have spent hours today in my head wondering what I could’ve done to help my friend. How I could’ve forced her to go to the doctor. How I could’ve read her past blog post telling me about her history of heart problems instead of being so involved in my life that I couldn’t take a minute to read about my friend’s. Because if I’d known she’d had a heart attack a few years ago, I would’ve pushed her harder to go to a doctor.

I want to blame myself because then at least there’s a reason. Then at least there’s some cause and effect in this crazy cruel world where my friend is gone. I know it won’t change anything. I know that logically. But it’s just another part of my universe that is so profoundly out of control that I’m grasping for anything to hold it all together.

I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I can’t imagine what Mary Jo’s husband is feeling tonight. I can’t imagine what her family, her “real life” friends are feeling.

All I know is that I’m sad.

That I miss my friend.

And I wish that there was something, anything that I could’ve done.

Rest in peace Maryjors. We miss you tremendously.

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