I get a lot of emails from people who read here explaining why they don’t comment. Many of you have told me that you just don’t know what to say sometimes, and I get that. I read a lot of sites that I don’t comment on. Sometimes it’s because what I’ve read leaves me speechless (I somehow doubt that’s ever the problem here, heh) and sometimes it’s because I don’t have words that can help, or that even can make a dent on what I’ve read.

I’m the first to admit that it’s hard to know what to say to someone who’s going through tough times, even when you’re going through them yourself.

And so I sat down and tried to come up with suggestions of things to say (though I certainly never require comments), and honestly I can’t come up any. Because, dudes, it’s difficult, I totally get it. So I’m going to take the other route.

These are the things you really shouldn’t say to someone with a chronic disease, pain, or frankly anyone. It’s also known as the list of things that people say that make me want to smother them with a pillow full of nails:

1. “You look like crap today.” A friend of a friend said this to me a few weeks ago, and I need you to be impressed with the fact that I didn’t smack the crap out of her. I almost feel like I shouldn’t even have to write this one out. Frankly, it’s NEVER nice to tell someone they look like crap, even if they do. And understand that if I look like crap, I probably feel 10 times worse than I look. In general, I’m pretty decent at hiding my pain, so when I can’t, I’m miserable. Telling me I look that way is DOING IT WRONG.

2. “You look fine, it can’t hurt that much.” Really? Because judging by your face, you must be in a ton of pain. Or at least, everyone around you is.

3. “It could be worse, have you heard about so-and-so?” I see the need for perspective, I really do. Perspective is important, not just for people who are chronically ill, but frankly, for everyone. And please understand that I feel for anyone who experiences pain, whether mental, physical or emotional. But that said, hearing that someone else is in pain, or has a life situation that’s worse than mine, doesn’t change my pain. It’s like if you were just run over by a car and I said, well, it could be worse, have you heard about Joe? He was run over by TWO cars. I’m sure you’d feel better right away.

4. “You just need more sleep.” Of course I do. Who doesn’t? But my head doesn’t hurt for lack of sleep. I’ve had weeks of vacation where I’ve gotten as much sleep as I could possibly ever get, weeks that were completely devoid of stress, and yet, were still filled to the damned brim with pain. I got 10 (crappy, interrupted) hours of sleep last night and as I write this I am miserable. My head doesn’t hurt because of lack of sleep. But my ability to cope with it does, so don’t be a jackass today. It won’t end well for you.

5. “If you’re in so much pain, why did you do x, y, or z?” This one bugs the bejeezus out of me. First, the tone says that you think I’m lying about pain. And being called a liar is one of my favorite things. Recently I have gotten crap from a number of people for going on vacations. And I’m completely perplexed by this. I have chronic pain and therefore I shouldn’t get to go on vacations? I don’t deserve to relax? I mean really. But it’s not just vacations. My head hurts all the time, but I am still going to go out to dinner, I’m going to go to a concert next week, I’m going to do anything I can manage. Is it stupid? Probably. But having chronic pain doesn’t mean I can’t strive for normalcy.

6. “Maybe if you didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t hurt as much.” Sigh. Let’s do an experiment. Go grab the biggest hammer you can find. Take a full swing and slam it down on your big toe. Now, don’t think about the pain. That should make it all better.

7. “Maybe it’s all in your head.” Maybe it is. And maybe next time you get a cold or the flu, you should see a psychologist before any other physician. Even if this pain is all in my head, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

8. “My mom/aunt/cousin/dog has headaches and they don’t have to miss school/work.” More power to them, really. I greatly admire people who deal with pain better than me. I wish I didn’t have to miss school, I wish I could cope better, I wish I had less to complain about or was more able to dial back the whining. If you think I get pleasure out of whining, you’re wrong. But sometimes I need to know I’m not alone and sometimes I just need to acknowledge how bad things get. I know it’s not very peasant for everyone else.

9. “It’ll probably get better when you stop going to doctors, that always happens.” Yep. There’s obviously a direct correlation between headaches and time at doctor’s offices. They have been shown to cause low pressure in most patients. OR NOT.

10. “It’s always something with you, isn’t it?” It’s true that I have had more than my share of health problems. It’s true that the list of symptoms is long. But this particular comment is the absolute worst. Even when said in jest, it makes me really upset. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but it makes it seem like I am choosing this, like I have control over this. And if I haven’t yet made it clear, I am so profoundly out of control in all of this, that it’s driving me literally near to crazy. Okay fine, way past crazy. Whatever.

But the more I think about all of this, the more that I think about all the nice things that have been said the more I realize that the very best thing that anyone can do or say, is just be here. Is to just let me know that I have someone to rely on, someone who cares. You don’t ever have to say exactly the right thing, hell, you don’t even have to say anything at all, just be here.

And not telling me I look like crap. That one’s pretty important too.

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