After the world’s crappiest night of sleep, with a hideous headache, I took my last final exam of the semester today. Stick a fork in me because I am done with this semester.

I have no idea how to wrap up this semester. I don’t have any eloquent words or flowery monologues today. If I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t know how I managed.

In January I had a myelogram that created what my neurosurgeon called a “massive” spinal fluid leak. Even putting a pillow under my head while lying down created such pain I literally thought that I was better off dead. I have never felt anything like that. And somehow, less than a week later, with many MANY milliliters of my own blood in my back, in a pretty significant amount of pain, I was back at school.

I can only describe this semester as the work of sheer determination. This semester I had one lumbar puncture and 3 blood patches. This semester I had a headache every single moment of every single day. This semester I struggled with pain, I struggled with the re-emergence of an eating disorder. I struggled with thoughts that my life wasn’t worth it any more.

I have never struggled like I have this semester. This year if we’re being really honest.

But tonight, this year isn’t what I’m thinking about.

Because two years from today, I will graduate.

Two years from today, I will hold in my hand a doctoral degree from an outstanding program, I will have a hood placed over my head indicating that I finished, that I made it.

My transcript will never show straight As. I won’t cross the stage with extra cords around my neck, or with awards in my hand. I will not be in the top of my class, nor will I make the news. I won’t be one of the graduates they ask to come back and teach. I won’t be one that mentors or tutors other students.

And that’s okay.

I used to dream of those things, but life has a way of changing dreams. Of changing perspectives. Would I love for those things to be in my future? Of course. But what I am doing right now is worth more than any award, or cord, or honor. I’m doing the best that I can. And that’s all that I care about. That’s all that matters.

Because what I will be in two years is a graduate.

I will be successful. If only because of a desire to prove everyone wrong, I will succeed. If only because I set my mind to this, because I decided that this is what I wanted, I will succeed.

Two years from today I will gain a few initials after my name. I will enter a profession I have only dreamed of. I will begin the future I’ve planned and erased in my mind so many times.

Two years from today, I will cross a stage to the rest of my life.

Two years from today.

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