I think I can honestly say that the last seven days have been among the longest in my life. Tomorrow is my 8th and last final exam for the week (and the semester). I am exhausted in every way that I could even begin to describe.

This week, for the second and third time ever, I’ve actually used the extra time I have through the student disability accommodations I got this year. And what that does to my psyche, I can hardly begin to explain. This week I have felt mentally sluggish, emotionally fragile and perpetually frustrated.

I didn’t struggle in high school. I put in a lot of effort, but any class I studied for, I got an A in. In college, the same was mostly true, though many of those As were replaced with an A- or B+. But now, for literally the first time, I’m facing the possibility of not succeeding. And ironically, it’s come at a time when I am working harder than I have ever worked before.

And yes, this program is tough. But this program is not impossible. I have nearly 100 classmates, and all but a very, very small percentage of them are passing, many with high grades.

But it’s not about my classmates. It’s about me.

It’s about the fact that I spent 20 minutes yesterday crying because I could not, for the life of me, figure out my mock patient’s right from their left. Simple things that everyone else can do, I cannot. Simple things I used to do, I cannot. It takes so much more effort to remember things, except for the totally unimportant details, which always seem to stick immediately and indefinitely in my brain.

I am tired.

I’m tired of working this hard to do what everyone else does. I honestly don’t care how my grades compare to my classmates. I only care about how my grades compare to what I’m capable of. Or what I used to be capable of. 5 years ago, I would calculate the exam grade necessary for an A, or A-. This week I’m calculating for a C. The lowest passing grade in my program.

I just feel like I’m trapped in a life, in a brain that isn’t mine. I feel held back in areas I used to be successful in. I feel confused by simple concepts. I feel like each day gets more difficult instead of less, each day the pain gets a little worse, a little less tolerable.

And yes, the easy solution would be to withdraw from school. To wait, to see if we can fix my headaches and try again later. And I know that many of you shake your head when I refuse to do that. But I can’t.

I cannot lose anything else to this pain. I will not lose a year of my life, a year of my career, a year of the life I planned, to pain. I wish I could explain it in a way that made sense, and in a way that didn’t confuse and irritate some of you, but I can’t. The best way I can describe it, is that it’s like I’m fighting for every piece of normal I can find in my life right now.

And until I lose that fight, until normal isn’t a possibility at all, I have to keep going. I owe myself that.

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