Scars
This morning my hair straightener broke. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but it meant I couldn’t wear my hair down today because it was tumbleweed sized and the curling iron couldn’t start to tame it. So I pulled it up into the worlds tiniest ponytail and turned around to see the back. To my surprise for the first time in a few years, the scar on the back of my head was plainly visible.
And more surprisingly, for the first time in a long time, I was self-conscious about it. I was genuinely worried that people might comment, or stare. That it would be noticeable again.
It’s no secret that I have some substantial scars. I have the one on my head, the one on my breast, a couple of good ones on my arms, a few on my legs. My skin is marked with experience in the very same way that my spirit is.
You can’t see all the scars on the inside, but on weeks like this one, they seem to show a little clearer.
I have a scar in my memory from the last time I went to a therapist for anorexia and she told me I wasn’t that thin.
I have scars in my memory from the last time I recovered from not eating by gaining all the weight, and then some, back.
I have scars in my memory from the pain of admitting my problems, time and time again.
I have scars in my memory from all sorts of things I wish had never happened. Many of which were my own doing.
My mind feels raw with its wounds right now, my spirit cracked in more places that it’s solidly together. I am trying to let them heal, to take care of myself and to find my way back to normal, but it’s a struggle. It seems like every time I start to heal in one place, something else breaks.
I feel exposed right now, like all my flaws are on show. It makes me feel even less in control of my life, which really makes everything worse.
It’s amazing how just this morning I found myself worried about what people would think of the scar on my neck, of how they would react if they saw it. And then I realized that it wasn’t really about that scar at all, it was about all my wounds and imperfections.
It was about how worried I am that people might see what’s really going on and how that might change everything.
14 Responses to “Scars”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
My mom used to have a saying on the fridge that said “You can paint over anything but the world will always keep its eye on where the crack was.”
Good hell I hated that quote.
We’re all damaged, but thankfully we have friends who handle us with kid gloves who don’t care how broken we are, they only care that we get better.
I’m one of those friends.
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Like I said this AM, you are a warrior princess! Healing is a process that can be a lifelong journey. Work on one inner scar at a time, sister.
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To me, scars are representations of hurts that have healed. That’s what scar tissue is…healed skin. They may remind you of the pain, but let them also remind you of how you have come through the pain and moved on, conquered it, survived it, and came out healed, better than before.
All those scars represent are the things in life that tried to hurt you, tried to keep you down. But they healed to remind you that only you can keep yourself down…
And you didn’t!!!!
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Sending love and strength. You are amazing Katie, and I love your raw & honest writing. I wish I had half of the guts that you do.
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*Hugs* to you.
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You know, it’s funny, those scars on the inside take the longest to heal. They are red and tender and prone to reopening much more than the ones on the outside, I think. I can’t pretend to know how you *felt* when you looked at your scar, but I can tell you that I know for SURE that I know exactly how you *felt* when the parade of scars started once again, right up in the front of your thoughts, when that’s the last thing you really want to be looking at.
I wish I could take that raw, awful feeling away, but I know I can’t, nor can any words. Sometimes, though, time can. It does it in these insane ways we never expect or imagine, but sometimes, it does happen. It helps to stay on the lookout.
xxoo
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Your talents & abilities & personality are more interesting than your scars, and smart people will see that.
The best life advice I have ever gotten was from my news writing teacher. It was about news writing, but it applies to everything – “Be like a shark – keep moving forward.”
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my scar cannot be seen unless I wear a bikini, which I never plan to do again.
but it’s there for me and the husband and the doctors to see. not like some stuff that I’ve kept to myself that maybe I shouldn’t always do. and yes, those are the scars that hurt the most.
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I don’t want to sound patronizing… But I got sick back in 2001 and hated every minute of every day! Doctors were of no help to me so I went about helping myself (something I realize was easier for me than it will be for you). On my own I found something that helped ease my pain. Then in therapy (I’m nutso – what can I say) I realized that as shitty as getting sick was – I could look back and say it was a catalyst for the good in my life. I KNOW that you will find your way to happiness! It may seem like it’s slow going but it will happen! One day you’ll realize that it’s been happening all along – that you just had to take a certain route to get there.
Love from a stranger (one withOUT freakishly large feet!!!)
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every time i stop by here, i am floored by the way you write, tho my struggles are different from yours,your words resonate with me
i appreciate it
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Your posts are always so thought provoking. I usually read them twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything the first time. Most scars are hidden well, by our clothes….or by our hair. When they are uncovered for people to see, uncovered even for us to see we feel vulnerable. It’s like the dream everyone has of being naked in the middle of a room of people. I tend to be like the Emperor from “The Emperor’s Clothing”. I just pretend no one will notice how pale I am or how much weight I have gained. I’m sorry you had a “Bad hair day” tht brought all of this stuff to the surface.
xoxomo
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I’m not sure ‘healing’ has an end date. I’m not sure that any ‘good’ will ever come from all these crappy experiences either. I also believe that for there to be imperfection there has to be perfection, and perfection does not exist. Perfection is an illusion created by advertising execs or control freaks who prey on peoples fears so they can offer them solutions and make $, or gain ‘control’, in the process. You are allowed to feel these things so stop worrying about people ‘seeing’ you. You have nothing to be ashamed about and it might just change everything for the better.
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I have so many physical scars, most self-inflicted, and a lot of psychological scars that seem to stick out more than the ones I have on my body. I try hard to let them fade, and remember that I am who I am because of them (even the physical ones streaking my arms).
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Your post, and many comments, resonated with me–we all have scars [assuming we're not boring]–and indeed, the inner ones often hurt way more than the physical ones.
& sometimes the memory of that hurt, can be triggered by something innocuous, and mess with ‘you’, way more than it should be able to. Sigh. Embarrassment/shame: no fun. Been there, felt that, felt more ashamed for still being so ashamed. *hugs*
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