The first step
It started innocently.
I woke up sick at a weekend retreat in San Diego last month. I didn’t really eat much because I felt like hurling pretty much all day. I tried to eat as much as my stomach would allow, but at the end of the day, it didn’t amount to much. When I got on the scale the next morning, I had lost two full pounds.
I haven’t mentioned it too much, but with starting school in August and with the restrictions on activity from the blood patches, I’ve put on some weight I never really wanted. Exercise hasn’t even been an option, particularly given how difficult a regular full school day is right now, and that hasn’t helped much.
Shortly after that weekend, my husband started working nights, meaning he was at work from 5pm to 6am, which was the polar opposite of my schedule. I leave for school between 6 and 7 in the morning and rarely get home before 5 in the evening. While he’s on nights I don’t seem him for 5 or more days at a time, which is tough for a number of reasons. During those weeks I’m responsible for myself only. And somehow I failed at that this time.
While my husband was working nights, I drifted into a familiar pattern. It wasn’t intentional or planned. It wasn’t even something I was fully aware at first.
I was starving myself.
I don’t need to rehash all the details, but I was pretty successful. In two weeks I lost the weight I gained in the past 8 months and then some. I became close friends with my scale, weighing myself multiple times a day, letting the numbers dictate what I ate. I became paranoid of eating foods that would bring the weight back on. I started letting food rule my life.
It took me a week or so before I realized what I was doing. And it took me about 10 seconds after that to realize why. It wasn’t about the weight. It wasn’t really about the weight last time either. It was about the fact that every other part of my life is going to hell in a handbasket. My grades are starting to sink, I’m not sleeping, I’m in so much pain on a day to day basis that I have thoughts that I can’t even admit to here. My husband, my family are all impacted by this.
And I can’t control any part of it.
But food I could control. Losing weight was something I could accomplish, something that I could be responsible for, something I wasn’t screwing up. Which, when you get right down to it, is pretty fucking ironic because screwing up was exactly what I was doing. And even when I realized what I was doing, I didn’t stop. Because in some totally distorted way, I was happy. If I’m being honest, I’m still struggling to stop.
It’s been almost a month and I haven’t told anyone. I only told my husband last night. Not because I didn’t trust him, but because I was, I am, embarrassed. Because there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want to stop, that doesn’t want to lose the control that I’ve finally rediscovered.
I want to say that really don’t know how this happened, how I ended up back in this place, but I do. I am just disappointed in myself, humiliated that this has happened again.
And now I have to own up. I have to admit that I have another problem, I have to seek help because clearly I can’t handle this, my life, on my own. And it’s so damned frustrating that I just want to scream. I don’t know how to live like this, where nothing is mine, where nothing is under my own power or choice. I don’t know how to be a passenger in the backseat of my life.
It’s interesting that people always say that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem. But I’m starting to feel like the hardest part is actually admitting that you are the problem. That the only thing that’s really wrong is you.
29 Responses to “The first step”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
It takes courage to face our demons head on and you do that. I read your blog, read your tweets and your strength amazes me. YOU aren’t a problem, you are just trying to find your place and gain some control in your life. (hugs)
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Sometimes, the hardest thing is just saying that one first word.
I am so proud of you for so many reasons.
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Hugs, Katie.
I really hope that by admitting it – to yourself, to your husband, you can get the help you need.
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I ditto Kim.
I think EVERYONE goes through these control issues to at least some extent at one point or another, whether it be food or some other coping mechanism (for me it was cleaning my mom’s house obsessively when my home life was a complete mess, ie my parents divorcing and my mom’s health steadily deteriorating).
I hope that saying this outloud gives you the strength to take the next step in recovering.
[[internet group hug]]
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Been there. Thank you for displaying your strength and courage. I’m here if you need someone, especially someone who understands.
Love you, hugs, thoughts
and prayers.
Angel
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I’m so proud of you. I’ve got your back. I hope you know that.
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I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Stress makes us all reach for crazy coping mechanisms. You are a strong person to recognize it quickly, admit it, and admit that you need help. I wish you the best as you move forward.
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Wow, this post hits close to home for me, except rather than not eating and losing weight, I use food as a crutch and eat all the time. I’m at my heaviest weight ever and every week I say things will change, yet they never do. I totally know where you’re coming from and hope you know we are all here for you always!!!
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YOU are a fighter. YOU are a survivor. THIS does not define you, just as that scar on the back of your head doesn’t either.
You’re loved for you, all of you. I hope you know that. And I hope you realize that you aren’t alone, that we will help fight these demons as best we can by your side.
xo
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What a very brave post. *You* are very brave.
You’ve got quite a group behind ya, too.
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Honestly, I can’t believe it took this long for something like this to happen. I know about a smidgen of what’s happening in your life & just thinking about makes my head spin. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You are human, let yourself be. You have TONS of people who love you, let them. Lean on them help you. They(we) WANT you to. Needing help is normal & human, & sometimes hard. But it’s ok. Get it, don’t dwell & move forward. Know that ALL OF US have issues. Some of us are more honest about it.
Now, I need your address, where do I send this cake?
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You may not think so, but you are so courageous. Praying for you and healing. Hugs
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I believe that you’re a very strong woman. And I wish I could help. I hope you’ll find the strenght to get through all this. Just like you did the last few months.
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Katie,
It is incredibly difficult to say to other people that you have a problem and need help. In this way, I think you are one of the bravest people in Internet-land. I wish you all the best.
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Been here. Thinking of you, honey.
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you’re making a brave choice to get help, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still suck.
love and strength and thoughts and prayers from me to you.
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I get this. I know what it takes to admit to it, to own it … And to name that feeling that you’re feelin like you’re not driving your life. It takes a lot of strength just to make that statement aloud. I admire your strength, your humour (particularly on Twitter!), your inability to give up even when you say you feel like you are giving up.
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I too totally understand. It is the grabbing onto anything that we can control in a life that we are so out of control over everything else.
So many of us are there with you in spirit. I hope you gain some comfort and strength knowing that.
Sending you hugs,
Susie
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Wow Katie. Your bravery just blows me away sometimes. You have so many of us standing beside you. We are all here for you girl.
At this point, I don’t even worry about you anymore because I have no doubt that you can jump ANY hurtle you encounter. ((hugs!))
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Katie, I do read here every time you post. And I have been praying for you sporadically. I’m so glad you told Dr. Slappy about your weight loss. This is suicidal, hon. It is.
Love you. {{{HUGS}}}
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*HUGS*
I’ve admired your strength for quite awhile, and your bravery, too–but this. This is brave!
It totally makes sense that all the chaos in your life would make you reach for some control–I wish you the best in re-finding control in a safer outlet.
You are loved.
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So proud of you. So in awe of your courage, every single day.
Thinking of you.
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Katie,
Thinking of you as you are facing this head on. You are brave for letting us all in on your struggle. Your struggle is one many of us share. Supporting you in your journey.
P
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Remember how we all got through after Katrina here. Every day you tell yourself, “I am not a failing person screwing up a normal life. I am a normal person valiantly doing the best I can in a crazy situation that would test anyone.”
It’s either that, or you succumb to believing that the cause of earthquakes is you too, because you just won’t dress as modestly as Allah expects.
I don’t want to go too deep in this forum, but its possible you are starving yourself to punish your body. Depression would be a sane and reasonable response to your situation. What if your overflowing brain has held a little subconscious trial and found you guilty of being “the problem” (and you never even got a lawyer to plead your case). Many depressed folks take to cutting themselves, starving or overeating, punishing themselves, berating themselves with constant negative self talk, on and on escalating into all kinds of self destructive behaviours.
Its a big human rights issue, people going round holding secret trials in their heads, convicting themselves of failure, and then sentencing themselves to be punished unfairly. Mistreating their innocent selfs as punishment for supposed failings. Don’t mistake self control for angry self abuse.
I also must admit I’m not a shrink or even a good counsellor, just thought it might help you to think about all this.
P.S. dogs are great. Sit. Stay. Come, Roll-over, Let me balance this piece of toast on your nose and don’t eat it until I say you can. How you ever gonna control a cat? Funny, you’d feel terrible if you starved a dog but you think your own body deserves that blame and punishment. Computers are great when you need to feel in control, or go crazy with the TV remote, there are ways to feel in control without beating yourself up.
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I wish I could give you a big hug, or knew the right words to say. Unfortunately, I don’t.
But I do know that it was hard for you to write about, and I applaud your honesty. Good luck, keep us posted.
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Such honesty.
xoxoxoxoxomo
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For you, the hardest part seems to be letting people help you. Period. You are so busy trying desperately to control something in your life that you create more pain for yourself because you insist on believing that you are at fault, that something is wrong with you, that you are someone to be ashamed of. The way you talk to yourself is so harsh. No one who loves you would speak to you that way. I wish I could shadow you in your life, follow you and correct your language when it becomes self-depricating and self-defeating.
You are so loved. By everyone except possibly yourself.
I wish I could help you. I wish you would let me or someone help you. . . to help yourself.
We love you, Katie.
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I so hear you.
*hugs*
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My 2 cents: This is a maladaptive coping mechanism. It is something you learned along the way to help you cope with the unpleasant things in your life. Maladaptive because it works, but not really in a healthy, life-affirming way.
I say this because I can relate: I have my own maladaptive coping mechanisms too. When the shit really hits the fan, I reach for them because they are familiar and at one point in my life they sorta worked for me. But now that I am older, I can resist their siren song because I spent a lot of time and money in therapy (my plan to get better) replacing them with healthier alternatives.
There is nothing really that special about me, so I can say with confidence that if you really want to change and you feel ready to change, you can change too.
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