First thing Saturday morning I got an email from one of my instructors. The exam I’d taken on Thursday was graded and my score was available online. I clicked over, anxious to see how I’d done. I knew my grade wasn’t going to be as good as exams in the past, but I was hopeful that I’d at least pulled the class average of 90%.

And so, when I saw the 85% in the gradebook, I was crushed.

Logically, I know that an 85% is fine. It’s passing by a wide margin and I’m glad for that, really I am. But I can do better, I have done better.

Today is the second consecutive day of class I’ve had to leave out early because of pain. I did everything I could both Friday and today to make it through to the end, but I couldn’t. The headaches are escalating, and my ability to cope isn’t keeping up with the changes in pain. I’m a mess. A weepy, tired, sad mess. And I am so frustrated, so in pain, so tired of all of this.

It’s not fair. There, I said it. I know it’s a kindergarten response, but today, I feel like a kindergartener. I have no control over anything in my universe. I can’t even go to school all day.

And the more this happens the more I find myself constantly thinking about how things would be if it weren’t for this headache.

I got an 85% on that test, not because I didn’t know the material (I did), but because of little mistakes, little mistakes that I never would’ve made 8 and a half months ago. And because of that, I am overcome with questions. With hypothetical wonders.

I wonder what my grades would be like if I didn’t have this headache, this life sucking vortex, this sleep stealing pain. I wonder if I would be more confident, and less stressed. I wonder if I would stand out as a competent student instead of as the girl that needs accommodations.

I wonder what my marriage would be like if I wasn’t in pain. I wonder if I would be a better wife, if I would do more of the things I always envisioned myself doing. I wonder if I would cook dinner with more regularity, if I wouldn’t cancel plans as often. I wonder if we’d fight less, if we’d be happier.

I wonder what shape I’d be in if I wasn’t in pain. I wonder if I would be exercising, if I’d be fit like my classmates. If I’d have a trace of muscle, even with the 2 month lifting restriction. I wonder how much energy I’d have, what I’d do with it. I wonder if I would spend as much time lying on the couch.

But mostly, I wonder who I’d be.

Because what I am today is so far from anything I ever imagined, that I’m practically a stranger to myself.

Many days I can cope with this change, with being this stranger. I can maintain some level of hope trust that things will get better, that frankly things HAVE to get better. But today, like many of my most painful days, it is a struggle. I don’t know how to keep moving forward when things aren’t improving. I don’t know how to push through when there’s no end in sight. No matter how hard I try, I just don’t know to keep my chin up when things are only, are always, moving down.

I find myself facing the worst wonders of all. I wonder if I’ll get used to this life. I wonder if at some point, I’ll stop caring that my life, my future, has been completely changed.

I wonder if this is who I am, for “good.”

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