I remember exactly what I was doing a year ago when I clicked over to Heather’s blog to see how Maddie was doing. Heather had sent a panicked tweet the night before about Maddie being intubated and I was worried. I hardly slept that night and to be honest, I felt a little bit crazy. Who worries about a child and a family they’ve never met?

A lot of people, as it turns out.

And then I typed in the blog address and read. And reread. I stared in disbelief, hair straightener in one hand, the other hand steadying myself on the counter. It had to be a mistake. I refreshed the page, foolishly thinking that it might change the words that were written on the page. It didn’t.

And then I cried. And cried and cried. For a little girl and a family I didn’t yet know.

Since that day last April, I’ve met the Spohrs. I can tell you a hundred times and you’ll still never understand how entirely lovely and generous these people are.

And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, without ever having the pleasure of meeting her, that Maddie was just like her parents. She was loving, kind and generous. You didn’t have to meet her to know that, all you had to do was read her mother’s words, hear the testimonies of the people who loved her. She was special.

In some ways this year has flown by. I can’t believe how much has happened, how much has changed. And in other ways, it seems impossible that it’s already been a year. I sometimes don’t know how the world can continue to turn, how people’s lives can just go on without that little girl in it. Somedays the reality of that boggles my mind.

In the year since she left this world, Maddie has done more good than many of us will do in our lifetime. She is the basis of a charity that is helping premature infants and their families. She’s had over $100,000 donated in her name to the March of Dimes. She turned the internet purple, she opened the hearts of people everywhere.

And I think that’s Maddie’s legacy. Not just her bright smile and beautiful eyes. Not just her sparkling personality. Her short life reminded us to be good to one another, to take care of those who need it. She proved to us that it doesn’t take a loud voice to make real noise, to start real change. She reminded us to hold onto those things that are precious to us, that life is imperfect, but worth every moment of it we have.

I don’t know how we’ll make it another year, or a decade or 10 more without her here, without hearing her voice, without seeing her run around the room and bestow toddler kisses on her baby sister. I don’t know how any of us who have been changed by Maddie can imagine a world without her in it. Or how we’ve lived a whole year in that upside down world.

I have learned so much from the little blue eyed girl I never got to meet. I don’t know if it will ever be easier to be where she is not, to be in this world that someday seems so entirely wrong. But until then, I take her lessons with me everywhere I go. And I carry her memory, her smile, in my heart always.

Rest in peace Maddie. Thank you for changing my life.

I’m proud to be walking with Heather and Mike in the March of Dimes later this month. If you’re interested in donating to Maddie’s team, click on the picture on the sidebar to the left. Every dime helps.

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