A lot of people harbor resentment on Valentine’s Day. It’s hard when you’re single, it’s hard when your relationship is struggling, it’s hard when you miss someone in your life. Basically it’s only a good day for like 1 out of every 10 people. And the other 9 people absolutely hate that one happy asshole.

I’m sort of neutral on it. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. He is what keeps me relatively sane, keeps me grounded. He loves me even when he probably shouldn’t. He puts up with me when I can barely stand myself. And if I’m being honest, I really like having a day set aside to celebrate that. Yep, I’m that asshole.

But this year is a little different. You see, our (controversial) trip to New Orleans got sidelined by mother nature. I was only going to stay until Monday, so when Delta rebooked us for Sunday morning, I knew it just wouldn’t happen. With less than 24 hours in NOLA, I wouldn’t make it to any parades, I’d barely get 2 meals and that’s just a lot of pressure changes in a short period of time.

I’m bummed because I was looking forward to the trip, to seeing friends, to being in the city that I love, but it’s out of my hands (I’m actually sort of getting good at relinquishing control. Someone call my shrink and tell him that I don’t need him). My trip was scheduled to end Monday so I could be back at school, but Slappy doesn’t have to be back at work until next week. He chose this week of vacation so he could go to Mardi Gras, and at my insistence, he’s there now. He didn’t want to leave, but though he might not ever admit it, he needed some time away. He has picked up so much of my slack lately, I just wanted him to go have some fun.

So we did Valentine’s Day stuff last night. We went to dinner and a movie (Avatar, which I saw because I lost a bet, but surprisingly really enjoyed. I just can’t imagine how every many who’s ever seen it doesn’t feel totally ripped off for spending 3 hours in a chick flick) and just spent time being with each other. It was exactly what we needed. I can’t even begin to tell you how lovely it was.

And with all that said, I can see why as an in love asshole, you might not understand why I’m not all rainbows and unicorns today (besides the fact that really? have I ever been unicorns and rainbows about anything?) The real reason I struggle with celebrating Valentine’s day is because it has another memory tied to it, one less lovely than the dinners and dates and gifts that have been exchanged in my 6 Valentine’s with Slappy.

Four years ago today, I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. Four years ago, I started this battle with my brain.

I’m not a huge anniversary keeper most of the time, but this date is hard to forget. It’s hard not to remember that on Valentine’s Day 2006, I drove to my ophthalmologist’s office to get the results of my MRI. It’s hard not to remember the way the doctor sounded scared for me. The way he told me to call a neurologist as soon as I got out of his office. The phone call I made to Slappy who was 2000 miles away.

Even with the panic, the diagnosis wasn’t the end of the world. In fact, I felt relieved. We knew what was wrong. We knew the options. We new the next steps.

I thought we knew the fix.

And so the reason I feel conflicted today is that it’s been 4 years now, and even though we’ve jumped through every hoop we can find, we still don’t have the answers. After one brain surgery, 10 bajillion MRIs and 3 lumbar punctures, I still have pain that we can neither treat nor fix. The frustration is great and it’s gotten really difficult to keep my chin up and hope that by next year, things will be different. It just seems unlikely. Impossible.

And so this day is a double-edged sword, a wonderful victory and a deafening blow to my life.

Today I celebrate love, because imperfect though it may be, it is the thing I treasure most in my life. It is what keeps me going. And at the same time, I mourn the loss of normal, the onset of pain, the thing that stops me dead in my tracks. And I cling to hope that next year, I’ll be able to focus only on the good and that the 5th year from the day of diagnosis will be the first year of real relief.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

9 Responses to “The Heart of Life”