Last Friday, the world spun around me. It was one of those truly awful experiences that is burned into my mind forever.

Since then, it has become my life. It has become normal. Just another thing on the list. Sitting in class each day, I’ve come to expect the world to spin. I’ve come to expect the feeling of gravity dropping. The feeling of being totally out of control in my own head.

I’m lucky that the racing heart has stopped, because there’s a real limit to what I can handle and we’re dangerously close to pushing it.

I know that I should call my neurosurgeon, or the worthless neurologist, but I’m waiting, for a couple of different reasons.

I have had a cold that became a sinus infection since early last week and it just won’t quite go away. I woke up today with even more congestion than yesterday, so I’m not sure which side of this cold I’m on. Since I know that congestion can lead to dizziness, I want to wait that out, just in case. I’d hate to waste time for come regular old sinus or ear pressure.

But more than that, I just don’t feel like being poked, prodded or tested more. I did a little research and found that unsurprisingly, low csf pressure can cause dizziness. I’ve had some before, but this feels different. It feels constant. It feels shitty.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I also fear that the neurosurgeon will tell me what I don’t want to hear. I’m afraid he’s going to say that there’s nothing he can do. He’s alluded to it before, but I don’t know if I can hear that. I don’t know if I can face that reality yet.

In the back of my head I know I’ll have to, and probably soon, but not yet.

And so I’m giving myself until the end of the week. I’m waiting for my sinuses to clear, for my mind to clear, to see if this weekend away makes any difference, for better or for worse, before taking the next step. Before making the next call.

Before asking for help again. And before facing the possibility of not being able to receive any.

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