What would you have done?
I had intended to post this weekend about my New Year’s resolution (yes, singular) and how it’s potentially the first and and only resolution I will ever even attempt to stick to, but something happened tonight that has me thinking and perhaps a little traumatized.
I went to Target tonight to buy my two youngest cousins their birthday presents and the materials to bake my youngest cousin his first birthday cake (it’s a sort of tradition, I baked his brother and sister’s first birthday cakes too). When I got to the toy section, I heard a child crying, which I didn’t think much of. I was engrossed in the 10 trillion different kinds of walkers that become ride on toys that become tricycles and I’m pretty sure convert into a car at some point.
But then I turned down the aisle where the little girl was and I soon figured out why she was crying.
She wanted a toy, a big one, and her mother had told her that she couldn’t have it. If she wanted a toy she could have one of a few smaller ones the mom had picked out. The whole situation, in typed words, seems entirely reasonable.
Except the mother would show the girl (who was 3 years old, I heard the mother exclaim it at one point) the small toys she could have, and then bring her back to the big one she couldn’t. And as if on cue, the little girl cried. And then the mother yelled.
And when I say yelled, I mean to the point that I, a 26 year old adult, cringed.
“I already told you that you can’t have this big one. You don’t deserve it. You can have one of those small ones over there. Stop crying or we’re going home.”
The little girl whined, and the mother yelled some more. They walked back to the small toys to review the girls options and then again, the mother led the girl back to the big forbidden present. And the same yelling cycle reverberated off the shelves again.
I stood and watched, in awe, of what was happening. The whole thing unfolded like a 6 year old taunting his younger sibling. Oh you want this one? Too bad. You can’t. You can have those. But look at this big one, you want it don’t you? Too bad.
Later. Rinse. Repeat.
Or at least until the mother grew tired of the game and the cursing began. First it was just a “damn” or a “shit” here or there. And when the girl got more upset the mother looked her in the face and yelled “why do you have to be such a fucking pain in the ass?”
I was stunned, the girl wept. I was nearly in tears myself. I am 26 years old and my mother has never spoken to me like that. I cannot in all my life remember her ever raising her voice like that. That mother’s voice and her words tore through me as if I was that child. They melted my insides. They broke my heart.
I finally had to walk away.
I could hear the yelling and crying fade as I moved toward the battery section and tried to rush out of the store as fast as I could. Despite my rushing I saw the family checking out, the little girl still in tears, the mother still yelling. I felt helpless.
I tweeted while it was happening and several people asked me if I said anything or called social services. I didn’t.
I am not a parent. I can’t even keep my cat from licking the kitchen aid paddle when I finish mixing cake batter, I know I don’t know what it’s like to raise a child. And I felt like if I said something that it would only cause a bigger mess and a bigger scene and that it would be hypocritical. Who am I to tell this mother that she’s doing something wrong? Who am I to step in on a situation that doesn’t involve me and that I know nothing of? Who am I to judge?
Now I am in the safety of my home, feeling troubled and conflicted. I wonder if my ignoring the situation was the same as condoning it. I wonder if I should’ve stepped in. If I could’ve done something. If I should’ve done something.
I know that many of you are parents, and that’s why I want to know, if it had been you instead of me in that store, what would you have done?
10 Responses to “What would you have done?”
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I'm Katie, a 29 year old, wife, mom, former teacher-turned healthcare professional, who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007. This blog chronicles my daily life, from mundane to crazy. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I always think that if I saw something like that I would say something but I don’t know if I actually would. I’d be so shocked that I wouldn’t be able to speak. Also, there is a very fine line when it comes to telling someone how to parent ones child. She certainly doesn’t need to have CPS called on her but her actions were unacceptable and I bet having a complete stranger call her out on it would have only made it worse.
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ugh horrible, just horrible. I would have been scared that if I had said something, it may have stopped the screaming right then but as soon as they were home , in private, that the poor child would then have to pay for “embarrassing” the parent… and God only knows how that would/ could have been.
Many more thoughts swirling around my head but I am just going to quietly send love and protection out to that little girl .
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As a mother myself, I have yelled at my children (never cussed or to the extreme that you described above) and I always feel horrible afterwards, especially if I do it in public.
But as a mother, I have stepped in a few times when I have seen situations that I don’t agree with. And sometimes it makes a difference and sometimes it makes it worse.
I don’t think by ignoring it you condoned it in any way.
I don’t know what I would have done in your situation. There have been times I have been around what I would consider horrible or bad situations and I don’t say anything because I feel it will make it worse for the child.
I just hope for that little girl’s sake all her mother does is yell and that there isn’t any more to it.
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As a parent, it’s easy to see the failings of others and recognise the times that you might have also been guilty of them, however that doesn’t make it ok for someone else to also do them.
I’ve never sworn at my children like that, although I have shouted at them. I’ve heard that voice in my head shouting back at me “YOU’RE the ADULT! ACT LIKE ONE!”
But I’ve never done what that mother did in public, and she was stupid to expect that a 3 year is going to understand what was going on, or make a rational decision. Once that mother wound the child up, it was all downhill.
It’s easy to imagine what I would do in the same circumstances, but in reality I would have found myself baulking too. Questioning what the outcome might be.
I’d probably have thought of a load of ideas AFTER the event. It’s hard to know what would have been correct at the time.
I’m not afraid to speak up. I once admonished two teenagers for littering in our shopping centre, and then had to put up with screamed abuse for the next ten minutes as I pushed my 4 month old in the stroller.
If this mother was screaming at her 3 year old – what might she do if I try and intervene? And while I object to swearing at kids, does it cross the line into abuse, or just a temper outburst?
Perhaps the best thing to have done might have been to offer some help to her. Offer to mind the child while she gets through the checkout, or hold something. Not actually because you think she needs that help, but as a distractionary technique, similar to what you’d use on the child!
That might have snapped her out of her own parental anger, and made her realise that people are looking at her and her behaviour.
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I probably would have walked past her, making a comment loud enough for her (and hopefully the child, too) to hear, that basically would make HER feel like the ass. Something like, “That’s the stupidest parent to walk the face of this earth!” Even if I ended up talking to myself in order to say it, well then, I’d be talking to myself. But I am not the type to confront people directly about their poor parenting skills.
CPS does seem a little drastic, though. Could they even do anything, unless the child was physically hurt ??
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I think you were wise to step away, as heartless as it sounds. Interference or trying to help would only have made the mother angrier, and who knows what she would have done then?
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I witnessed a fight one day when another person said something about a child. The parent actually punched the other in the face. Police were called. It was horrible. It is hard to say what one should do. There were others there too.
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I was that child for years, in public and in private. It would have made a difference in my life had some adult said something, even once, to indicate that being put dow, shamed, screamed at, and verbally berated is not the norm and is not ok and is not the truth about who I am. I wonder how my life would have been different if someone had spoken in my behalf. Even if my mom got angrier….I would have had that moment of someone speaking for me…the things that I could not say to protect myself.
I’ve been in situations where I have been afraid to say something too and have always regretted it to some extent. I’ve also been in situations where I spoke out, and regardless of the outcome, have not been regretful.
I am not in any way judging those who don’t speak out. I’m merely thinking out loud, based on my own history, about the consequences of speaking out and the consequences of not doing so. Both options are difficult….with their own set dilemmas.
Peace.
A
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I would love to say that I would have stepped up and done something. However, I know I would have done exactly what you did. I would have debated with myself about what to do in the store and then cried and regretted my decision to do nothing when I got home. It’s so hard to know what to do if you are in that situation.
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Realistically, I don’t think CPS would have done anything. I would like to say that I would say something, but I know I wouldn’t. I can only imagine what a stranger admonishing her would do to her rage. She obviously doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong if she’s shouting these things in the middle of Target, and unfortunately having them pointed out to her wouldn’t be very likely to change her behavior.
It’s a no win situation. She’s walking a fine line and there’s not much you can do “officially” to help out her daughter. It’s heartbreaking to be so helpless.
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