Taking the bull by the horns
On Christmas day, I was bullied.
I was bullied to the point that I left Christmas dinner in tears. To make matters worse, it was by my own family member (ironically not the one I wrote about here). To say that it hurt would be an understatement. Someone I’m related to told me, to my face and in front of my whole family, that they’re tired of me. That he’s tired of hearing about my issues.
But that wasn’t enough for him. When I tried to have a calm, quiet conversation with him, he yelled in my face. He embarrassed the hell out of me, made my mom cry and as much as I hate to admit it, ruined my Christmas. I’ll never forget the way it felt to be yelled at like that. By someone who is supposed to love me.
And then the internet decided to join the party.
My twitter stream is public. I don’t have it locked down because I don’t think I should have to. If people don’t like what I have to say, they have no reason to read or follow. In fact, if you don’t like what I have to say, I absolutely ENCOURAGE you not to read or follow.
So I was surprised when I saw that someone I don’t follow and who doesn’t follow me retweeted something I’d written.
And even more surprised when I looked at his twitter stream and saw the next tweet…
I’ve seen those tweets several times and I still just don’t even know how to respond to that. Someone who doesn’t know me, who isn’t following me on twitter, took the time to read my twitter stream and make fun of me (to be fair, after reading his twitter stream, I am not the first person he has done this to. If you look up douchebag in the dictionary, I’m about 99% sure his twitter stream would be the definition). Try as I might, I still cannot comprehend this.
It’s like we’re in junior high, except you know what? We’re not. We’re adults. And it is absolutely not okay to bully people.
Sadly, that’s not where it ends.
When I saw this, I knew the person was trying to get a rise out of me. And I tried not to let it bother me. But it did, it still does.
I knew that it was about time for one of these comments (historically these trolls show up somewhat cyclically), I just wish I was more able to handle it. I have always been the kind of person who takes things personally, even when they’re not personal. And when they are personal? They really get to me.
And I’m sure that admitting that only fuels the flames of the tremendous asshole who’s writing these things, but I don’t care. This is my blog and that is my twitter stream. I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m being judged by people for what’s going on in my life. I would challenge anyone to walk a mile in my shoes and judge me. I would challenge anyone to go 20+ weeks in pain and not whine.
I don’t know how I came to this point in my life where people think it’s okay to push me around, to mock me for who I am, for the things that are going on in my life. But let me make it clear, it’s not fucking okay. It will never be okay to treat people this way.
I hope that someday my family member and this person on twitter grow up and realize what they’re doing. I hope that they realize that this isn’t a game. I hope they realize that words have power and consequences.
And that those consequences might be greater than they realize.
27 Responses to “Taking the bull by the horns”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
Both of them are assholes. I’d like to see how they would deal with a headache that lasts for months on end. If they are male? Whining would be an understatement. It would be the end of the world!
You’re doing great, you handle it well with humor and grace and if they don’t get it…well i hope the door does hit them on the way out.
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I’m sorry you were bullied, that is very not cool! Please just keep your head up and try to let it bounce off of you! You are better then any of those bullies! *hugs to you*!
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Lovely. Frankly, I’d be complaining non-stop, so i suppose who ever this is should be glad not to be related to me
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And the douche on twitter, really needs a hobby (other than being a jerk, though s/he is quite good at that, so I’m sure it’s hard to give up).
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That just sucks that your own family would treat you like. The ugliness of some on the internet is really disgusting. You don’t deserve any more hurt. You’ve had more pain than one should experience
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Katie, I obviously only know you through your blog and Twitter stream. What I have seen is a young woman that will not give up, that will not take life lying down. And who will even throw in a joke or two from time to time. And that pisses people off because you ARE BETTER than them. Because you set the bar really high! So what if you complain about your headache?! Would it be any different if you had any other illness? Would trolls call it “whining” if it was cancer for example?
Don’t let the assholes win. I once asked you why you wouldn’t freeze your semester until you felt better and your answer was “I have worked too hard to get where I am” and that you just wouldn’t do it. I didn’t understand why at the time but I can see your reasoning clearly now. You are not one to give up. Don’t let the assholes win.
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I can’t believe someone did that – in your family or on twitter. You don;t even know the tiny crap that I whine about. You have every right to be upset. I sure would be. You are the bigger person here.
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All I can do here is send hugs, honestly. That’s just… terrible. And mean. And I’m sorry that someone felt they had to do that to you.
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Now I’m all “who the f*ck insulted my friend” (because you’re the seester’s friend, which makes you mine, too. besides, you rock)! So so so very tempter to tweet “started calculating what percentage of Dude’s tweets are lame cyber bullying. Will get back…”
Honestly, you are a better person than I. You want them to grow up, and I just want them to have untreated gallstones, or a rotten tooth, so that they can feel a fraction of the pain you feel.
Any time you need some knees knocked, or a “bless his heart” said, you know where to find me!
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Christ, what an a** hole!!
I’m really sorry that this happened to you.
Fair warning: I am about to drag out my soapbox…
Anyway, here’s the thing. People are going to judge you, me, the stranger in line in front of them, their great aunt, etc.., all day every day.
There isn’t one darn thing you can do about it. The key is to accept that fact and to truly not care.
My Dad’s sage advice, “Be like a duck, let it roll right off your back”.
If we let people’s judgements into our sphere of influence then it just becomes a drain of energy that harms us and not one other person. So paying any attention is self infliction of wounds.
The other thing that my Dad taught us is to “turn it around”, change perspective and stay calm.
For example, if in traffic you encounter the road rage a**hole, smile like you know them, wave, slow down to have a little happy exchange like you would a friend. It will either disarm them OR piss them off even more. Either way, it’s a win for you!!
The nurse in the doctor’s office is rude, rushing you and generally being bitchy? Stop talking, take a breath, in a compassionate tone ask them if they’d like you to come back a different day since they are clearly under an immense amount of stress right now because you know that there is no way they would speak to someone in that manner if everything was okay. Say it sweetly, sincerely and with a smile. Either it will disarm them or you will get under their skin – no skin off your nose whichever way it goes.
The Twitter a**hole? It lives for a rise, a reaction, evidence of hurt. If you had a rat in your house (that you didn’t want there), would you feed it and give it a warm place to live and reproduce? I didn’t think so! If you don’t leave food out, the rat will go away, well he might eat your cupboards in a pinch but he can only live off of so much sawdust. Live and let live.
The changing perspective is to understand that everyone has their story. The a**hole driver, might be in jeopardy of loosing their job, the pissy staff person may have just found out their significant other is cheating on them, the anonymous internet it probably was abused as a child.
Their pain does not make it okay for them to inflict pain on others but we have no control over what they choose to do with their time, only over how we allow them to influence us.
Okay, my soapbox is put away now!!
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Katie Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I hear what you’re saying and I’m sure that you’re right, but I just can’t do it. I want to turn it around and be the bigger person, and you make a really good point, but I’m just not there yet.
Hopefully one day I will be.
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GreenInOC Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
It’s not really about being the better person.
It’s really about you being healthy and happy with who you are and letting the judgy mcjudgerson’s be judgy and not worrying about it.
Start small and move on from there.
Let’s say I’m out and about and someone gives me a look.
I can choose to think, “Oh my gosh, I bet they are thinking my hair looks terrible. Wow, I’m pretty sure that they just mentally made a note to never go out looking like I do right now. Blah, blah, blah, judgy shit, blah, blah.”
OR, I can choose to think, “That’s right my boobs are that big. They are so big and out there being shared with the world that I don’t have to spend that much time on my hair, isn’t that grand?!” This of course makes me laugh inside and my eyes and smile share my delight.
The truth is, in all likelihood, it was the former going on but you know what, who cares?!
Don’t get bogged down by the b.s. because really it is all shit and who wants to spend time in shit, especially shit that isn’t even ours to begin with?!
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Wait, wait, lemme get this straight — you’re not allowed to complain when you FALL OFF A DAMN SKI LIFT??
I’m sorry, but fuck that.
I’m super tempted to get all “blah blah feminism words are powerful and jerks who try to censor them are terrorists” but I know you know all that already. So instead I’ll remind you that you are 1,000% allowed to write what you need to write where you need to write it, and that there are tons of us who care about you and are listening and pulling for you and we have your back.
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1) I hate the ones who talk behind your back – I’d rather be confronted and then I can refute it.
2) “to mock me for who I am” – they do disservice to mockery.
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Ah, Christmas. This makes me slightly glad that I have no family with which to have a family Christmas.
On top of all the pain you’ve been enduring. Sheesh.
One day, you will get to the point where idiotic comments will roll off your back. I promise. It will happen.
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Your family member is an ass. That person on twitter? Ass. What the hell is wrong with people. I know that sometimes listening to someone bitch can get annoying, but I read your blog, and your tweets and I’ve never once thought that. Honestly I get more annoyed at my own tweets! LOL. You just ignore the naysayers, and write what you need to write. If they don’t want to see it they can stop reading.
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I’m having a hard time comprehending what leads people to do this to others… Family should be supportive. Or at the very least keep their fat traps shut.
You are incredibly strong – that’s apparent just in the short time I’ve been reading your blog. But even the strongest people need to vent. And when pain is a constant presence in your life… wow. How can you not talk about it?
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with these asshats on top of everything else.
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These are the times when I wish I had jumped on the Twitter madness because I love arguing with people. Yes, even trolls. I’m a fierce troll battler on my message board haunt.
I have no life…
Anywho, both these people (the Twitter asshat and your family member) suck. If I had been in pain continuously, with no relief whatsoever, for twenty weeks, you can bet your sweet ass I’d be complaining. And getting violent.
Your family member has no concept of what family is if he railed on you for something you can’t control and made your mom cry. On a frickin’ holiday of peace and brotherly love, no less. Maybe someday he’ll realize what a douchebag move on his part that was. I’m not holding my breath, though.
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I follow you because of who you are. I follow your blog because it makes my problems seem smaller to see what you are going through and how you deal. I was celebrating with you when you passed your tests and the semester. I read to see you admit to the stupid things that happen and then mine don’t see to stick out as bad.
I know I complain when it hurts to breathe and there are family members I don’t go around much. I’m sorry you have members who can’t or won’t step into your shoes for a bit and see what you are doing despite the pain you are enduring. I haven’t had a migraine in a while but if what you are enduring is like that, I have no idea how you continue to function.
I read your blog and twitter to get inspired. Keep your head up; I would guess there are a lot more like me than the ones who read to put you down.
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You have to think that the bully in the Internet, probably doesn’t have any friends. He gets a rise out of insulting and hurting others, it’s to make up for his lonely and sad existence. Or perhaps his small penis.
As for the family member, ignore him. If you have to go to something he’s at, just keep your distance. And if he says something insulting, tell him to get a life.
People can really suck. I’m sorry that your Christmas was ruined by Uncle Suck. Who needs them?
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Katie Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The small penis thing killed me. hahahaha
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A family member of mine sometimes rolls their eyes, makes “ugh” noises, or picks on me when I talk about my pain or the consequences of my illness. It hurts, so bad, especially because this person is supposed to support me.
I think a lot of people don’t understand what they can’t SEE. It doesn’t make their behavior right, don’t mistake me! But when you physically look “fine” and don’t feel fine, people are a lot more judgmental and asshole-y.
I have yet to get the blog/Twitter trolls, so maybe my two cents isn’t worth shit, but just ignore this Twitter douche. You can tweet and blog about whatever the hell you want, and fuck the people who make fun of you. Really, this guy apparently has nothing better to do.
Please try not to let it get to you. I know some days it’s harder to let it roll off your back, but just remember that there are a whole bunch of people who do understand what you’re going through and do support you. I am here for you, if you ever need to just vent or whatever. I don’t care how often you complain. I will keep reading your blog and Twitter (unless you do something douche-y to me, but I really don’t see that ever happening), and I will keep being there for you.
Anyone who isn’t can take a fucking hike.
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When you lived in New Orleans you wrote of many misfortunes but not of the headache. It was a kind of calamity Jane routine that you meant to be sort of funny I think. When its not about the headache then it was healthy to laugh at calamities that were just inconvenient, costly, or embarrassing — but not the headache – the headache isn’t funny.
I think these people didn’t appreciate that the headache is different, and not at all funny every not at all.
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It is a researched and documented that talking about your chronic pain will help you. Blogging about it will benefit you. Sorry you have jackasses trying to harsh your mellow. You don’t need to be kicked when you are down. I hope you get answers soon. I would hate to have to come out of lurking mode again.
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I understand the upsetting nature of when people scoff at what you’ve written. It sucks when you pour your heart and soul into a missive then share it with the world only to find that there is someone out there poo-pooing you.
However, that is the nature of the internet.
When you publish your thoughts, you are going to get criticism. It happens. You have to accept it. And move on. People don’t like everything that I write, I get snarky comments and the such all the time, but that doesn’t mean I am going to respond to it. As a writer that puts her thoughts into public, you have to accept that criticism comes.
To attack it is to give it validation. To republish it is to lend it a voice. To ignore it is to be magnanimous.
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Katie Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 9:54 am
I agree with you in the way you’ve written it. If people want to attack what I’ve written, then fine. Attack it for being poorly written or boring. But to attack an update about something that has happened in my life? That’s not attacking what I wrote, that’s just attacking me.
To be perfectly honest the tweet about the whining didn’t get to me nearly as much as the one about the ski lift. I know I whine and anyone who has read here knows I whine.
But to make fun of something that happened (that fucking hurt too), is just wrong to me.
But I shall strive for manganimousity next time anyways.
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I just recently started reading your blog (as in this is the forth post of yours I have read) and this makes me so mad. I find it hard to believe people are that mean. I quit following a blog because her husband lost his job and all she did was whine about it. She never once said what they were doing to look for new jobs, just, whahhhh, he lost his job. I feel sorry for them, but they can change their paths. You, on the other hand, have been handed something NO ONE should have to deal with. If you feel the need to whine, there are more people here to support you than to bring you down. I wish you the best.
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Girl those people are ass holes!!! The family member is rediculous! (sadly I have a couple just like that) as for the Twitter person, they need a life. You are such a strong person, and it’s so easy to take everything personal, but please don’t let it get to you. Hugs to you.
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