(Warning, this post is kind of really freaking gross. And it doesn’t make me look very good. And really, I have no idea why I’m telling you this.)

So last Monday I finished with my last final exam/make up midterm, drove home and took a nap. I wallowed around the house until Slappy and I went out to dinner and as usual, he asked me to drive.

I drive almost everywhere because I am a control freak can’t stand when he moves forward at red lights like it makes them turn green faster like to drive and he doesn’t. So we walked to my car, opened the door and dropped dead.

When I tell you that my car smelled like ass, I’m not trying to be obnoxious or crass, but literally, the only way I can describe the stench that poured out of my car is to tell you that it smelled like someone put their ass in there and left it to die.

Holy crap.

I decided to tackle the smell the next day and we took Slappy’s car. Before we left, the sage doctor suggested that I park the car in our garage and open all the windows to air it out. And because I’m really stupid and I didn’t see the huge flaw in this plan, I agreed.

The next morning I opened the garage to go to the grocery story and before I knew what had happened the ass smell reached up and smacked me in the face. And so did my stupidity. Because our garage gets no fresh air. So basically I stewed our entire garage in ass smell over night.

Oh. dear. God.

I drove my car out of the garage and cleaned it out. I found nothing rotting. I found nothing dead. I found nothing.

But the smell. The smell persisted.

Slappy suggested that it was cat food. Because you see, this one time, a year and a half ago, we evacuated for a hurricane and a full bag of cat food spilled in my trunk. And I cleaned it out, but failed to realize until July of this year that there were like 2 pounds of cat foot in the spare tire well of the car and that’s why my car perpetually smelled like Petco.

(Stop judging me.)

I scoffed at him and felt assured that if I aired out the car for a few hours all would be well.

I was wrong. (Holy crap, did I just say that?)

And moreover, he was right. (Proof that the ass smell has forever ruined my ability to use sound reason or judgement.)

Let’s just say that PERHAPS moldy cat food (erm, it rained for almost a week in Los Angeles, and evidently some water got into the spare tire well of my car…barf) smells a lot like ass and PERHAPS I had to air my car out for a solid week before the smell diminished.

The moral of this story is, I’m pretty much the classiest person you’ll ever meet.

And also? If you spill catfood in your trunk, don’t wait 18 months to clean it out.

You’re welcome.