In the balance
To be honest with you, I had a completely different post written that I just deleted.
I had written all about the appointment with the neurologist and how she, as usual, had no idea what was wrong. And how she prescribed me a HUGE dose of steroids that I’m not planning on taking. And how afterwards I went to the student health center and got a referral for and called and scheduled an appointment with the shiny new doctor who specializes in CSF leaks.
But I’m not going to tell you all about that.
Today my doctor asked me a lot of questions. Some about pain, some about my life. And eventually she got to the question that I knew was coming and before I could stop myself, a lie spilled out.
My doctor asked me, point blank, if I was depressed. She even went so far as to say that she would be depressed if she was in my shoes (for the record, that’s ALWAYS comforting…) because this situation is shitty. And I looked her in the eye and lied.
I said no.
I told her I had been depressed before, but this wasn’t the same. And maybe a shred of that is true. But…
I am depressed. I need help.
There. I said it.
I have focused so much time on trying to find the source of this pain and dealing with the way it has ravaged my body that I have long ignored what the pain and dealing with the pain has done to my mind. I’ve told you a hundred times that pain has changed me, but I think I wasn’t willing to see just how much.
The person I used to be didn’t cry every day. She definitely didn’t cry over stupid things every day. She wouldn’t have cried when a parking attendant yelled at her for (ACCIDENTALLY) breaking a pen while signing an debit card slip. This person I am today, did. (This person I am also might have flipped her off while crying.)
The person I used to be didn’t get upset and suddenly forget how to cope with tough stuff or even cope with easy stuff. The person I used to be identified the problem, made a plan and stuck to it.
The person I used to be was happy.
The person I am is not.
I have moments, hours, even days of happiness. But more often I have hours and days and weeks of the opposite. I have sleepless nights filled with despair. I have a blog that reads like a tale of sorrow, a tale of woe. I have a marriage that is suffering fiercely and a husband who wants nothing more than to fix something that he cannot fix.
I am depressed. I need help.
I don’t want help. I don’t want to talk to someone, I don’t want to have a discussion about medication. I don’t want to have this be a part of my life again. I’ve done mental illness. I’ve done it in fucking spades. And maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time this go around.
I thought I beat it.
I didn’t.
Tomorrow morning, I’m doing what so many of you have tried to get me to. I’m doing the thing I have been trying to avoid for weeks, maybe even months at this point.
I’m calling and making an appointment with a therapist. I have to. I see that now.
I see that my happiness, my life, is hanging in the balance.
20 Responses to “In the balance”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
Hugs to you Katie! I hope you find the right person to help you work through this stuff. Physically and emotionally. xoxo
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You are stronger than you realize. I wish you all the love and peace in the world and more than anything I wish I could fix it too. You deserve to be happy and kudos to you for realizing that and going after it. I’m here for you. xo
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I understand how hard it is to get help. I understand wanting to do it alone, and not wanting to admit that you can’t.
I suffered from post partum depression for 2 years before I sought help. I’d like to say that, 6 months later, I’m all better. But that’s not the truth.
We are all a work in progress. Sometimes, you just need to lay your head down on someone else’s shoulder and let them help you carry the burden.
I hope beyond hope that the therapy helps – and that the shiny new doctor can get rid of those headaches for good!
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Katie, do you wanna know something funny? Not funny haha, but funny intersting. Well today I realized the same thing, only I haven’t decided to make that call yet. I did realize though, that I need to see someone because all of the shit I have been through my life is finally catching up to me and I am about to crack. I am proud of u for taking this step. It’s not exactly what u “want” , but I really hope and pray for u that it does help u and brings u some relief! Hugs from your az friend, @1mcmommy
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Patty Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
And I meant “interesting”, not whatever showed up above this!!!
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You know what I think. And you know that I love you to tiny pieces. But I wanted to say it again, just because.
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I’m crying for you. Crying because my heart is breaking at the frustration at this continued pain, continued lack of answers, lack of a plan. Crying because I miss the old Katie, too, and it is so difficult to sit by and not be able to do anything to help get her back.
And I’m crying because I am so, so relieved. I have been so worried about you, hon. I’ve been saying as much almost daily to husband — I think I scared him the day I said I wasn’t sure I would be able to go on as you have, that I’m not that strong. I’m so relieved you are going to get someone to help you shoulder this burden in a way that none of us here are able (for all that we would love to do so).
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Everyone else has said it better than I can, but I just wanted to tell you — I’m so relieved that you’re taking this step.
No matter what you talk about, if you open up all the way or just a little or not at all — sitting in the room and having someone who was paid to listen, paid to help me deal … that always made a big difference.
Having been on depression meds off and on since I was 16, I get not wanting them. I get wanting to do it on your own. It’s why I keep going off the damn things and willing my serotonin receptors to do their damn jobs.
But sometimes … everyone needs the extra help. Maybe I should make the call, too. Thanks for making me think.
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i think its a testament to your amazing courage and endurance that you are taking this step. . .
i hope you are able to get some relief
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you are worth it…remember that.
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For years, I have had a book by Louise Hay that lists a medical malady and the underlying issue. I became interested in this book after editing several books on the mind, body, spirit connection. If you look up headache in this book, you will find the issue is criticism of the self.
Katie, whatever you can do to find relief physically, spiritually, and mentally is something we all support. For me, I would be ecstatic if you could find a way to stop beating yourself up for the way you feel, the way you feel about the way you feel. and the way you feel about the way you feel about the way you feel. That would be huge.
You are so bright, funny, kind, interesting, motivated, diverse in your thoughts and your interests. You are loving and you are loved. You reach out to people in need, and you find humor in yourself and in the general complexities of life. You know how to live and how to have fun. And all or most of this has taken a back seat to pain…ongoing, thrashing about, complicated and relentless pain.
I know for a fact that ongoing challenges can break even the strongest spirit. Yes, there are cracks in your armor, which isn’t necessarily bad. And there are cracks in your heart, which stinks beyond belief.
So, yes, call a therapist, hopefully one who will be wise enough to have you take responsibility for what is yours and what is within your control…and who is wiser still to steer you away from taking responsibility for a critical family and a challenging medical condition whose diagnosis eludes you.
If you can come out of this with a sense of all you’ve accomplished despite the challenges of pain–emotional and physical pain–of all you are, or all God made you to be, of how He views you and loves you…well, you will come out with a more clear picture of your reality.
Because you’re something special. I know it. I know you know i know it. Now, let’s get you to believing it.
Because you’re worth it.
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I am glad for you to be taking this step. I don’t know you except through your blog and Twitter, but there have been times when I would read a post and spend nights worried. I know it’s hard to be depressed after thinking you have overcome it, I went through that too. However now that I’m dealing with it, I am so much happier. I know it won’t make your head pain go away, but maybe it will help your heart pain.
Good luck! xoxo
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Good girl. Good for you. Put on the Big Girl Panties and do what you know you have to do. I’m proud of you.
There is no stigma attached to ‘depression’ or whatever ‘mental illness’ may just jump up and grab you. Stigma comes from doing nothing about it – or thinking you can do it alone.
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What a hard thing to realize – especially if you have been there before. But now you can move forward. Sometimes the very best thing you can do for yourself is to relinquish control a little bit and ask for help. You have beat it before, you can beat it again!!
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Dude – I swear just 2 days ago I walked into my GP’s office and requested a referral to a psychologist in a bid to help me ‘cope better’ with my issues which, might I add, are so similar to yours it’s scary!. I understand how difficult this is, to ask for ‘help’. I procrastinated about it for months. But then I thought of it like this – if your car is busted you see a mechanic, if your sink is blocked you call a plumber, so if you feel like you need help with mental/emotional/physical stuff, you see a therapist or psychologist or someone who is trained in this area of expertise. It makes perfect sense really. It’s not giving up or admitting defeat. It’s a proactive decision. It demonstrates that your acknowledging you may be a little out of your depth and need to learn some new skills to manage issues that have have been thrust upon you. It shows quite the contrary, that you indeed haven’t given up and are willing to fight. Forget the labels, ‘depressed’ or otherwise (I tend to get ‘you seem anxious’ more than I would like. But I mean duh, of COURSE I’m anxious!! You just drilled a freaking inch squared hole in my head, sizzled the bottom of my brain and sent me on my way!! Dr’s really do say the daftest things sometimes…). As if you could cope with all this by yourself. Just do it. More power to you!
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(I swore I already commented on this, but I guess not!)
GOOD FOR YOU. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for and accepting help. Nothing. If it weren’t for my happy pills, I would seriously be curled up, fetal position, under the covers all day, every day.
xo
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I do not find your blog to be a tale of woe at all, and maybe that’s because I’m new to it. I wish I could give you some of my complete and total lack of hang-up about being in therapy or on meds, because I have a surplus. Your insight and authenticity are astounding to me.
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I’m so glad you’ve gotten an appointment with the shiny new neurologist. I’m glad, too, that even though you miss NO, you’re close enough to see someone who specializes just for you. One baby step closer. I know that’s not much, but it’s gotta be something. Merry Christmas, Katie.
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“I thought I beat it.
I didn’t.”
I so know the feeling, and like you said, that’s why it is so much harder to admit that I probably need help, too.
I really hope that seeing a therapist helps. I want to see you bounce back and be happy again. It isn’t going to happen overnight, but it WILL happen eventually.
*hugs* I’m here if you need me.
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been in my office, crying at intervals for no apparent reason for two days
and many many days before that.
we;ve not met, i wouldn’t presume to tell you anything but to hold on as best you can. let those you trust help you as you’re ready and trust yourself.
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