So a few hours ago, I typed up most of a blog post about how mad I was at myself.

I had a hugely stressful exam this morning, by far the biggest and scariest of my exam schedule, and I just didn’t do as well as I wanted. It was a practical exam, so no scantron, no desks, no pencil and paper, but rather performing skills and answering questions aloud in front of instructors.

The first station was a patient interview, the second was choosing and performing 2 tests related to that interview and the third station was a “pull card” where you got 3 different tests to perform on your partner. Each station had a time limit (which felt impossibly short) and a different grader.

I killed the first station. My tester told me that I “knocked it out of the park.” I was on cloud-freaking-9.

Then I got to the second station. The freaking second station. It was disaster. I picked 2 tests that had almost nothing to do with the diagnosis I gave. I even SAID one of the right tests to the proctor and then chose not to do it. At all.

It was awful. I knew I was wrong, but I had no idea what the right tests were. And so I committed and went with it. And the instructor gave me that look. The one that says, you know you’re doing this wrong, but way to be confident. And also? sucks to be you right now.

It was just a horrible feeling. My mind was blank, my heart was beating a thousand beats a minute and then time ran out and I had to move onto the next station.

The third station went really well. I lost a point for a stupid mistake, but otherwise, I knew it all. I was prepared. I couldn’t believe it.

As I walked out of the testing room, the tests that I should’ve done all came crashing down into my brain. And they were such no shit kind of things. OF COURSE I was supposed to do a neuro screen. And OF COURSE the prone instability test was not right because I wasn’t worried about INSTABILITY.

[Forehead slap]

I left school and I obsessed. I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed. I took a walk and jammed out to the Glee soundtrack. And obsessed.

And then I checked our online grade report and pissed a lot of people off.

Because I got a 97%

Um.

I got an A. I got an A on an exam for a class where I missed nearly a third of the class meetings. A class that has kicked my ass all semester.

An A.

I am beside myself and maybe just a little bit embarrassed about my obsessing. Maybe.

An A.

Holy crap.