So, as it turns out, I really needed a blog break.

I only managed to stay away from twitter for about a day, but the break from being here, from feeling a little guilty about whining to all of you has been good for me. And in the time off I caught a fairly unpleasant cold, which would’ve only caused me to do a crap-ton (more) whining and let’s be honest, no one would benefit there.

I’m doing the best I can right now to be positive. My emotions are a little unpredictable and my attention is divided. But that’s nothing new. It’s just frustrating.

On Friday, I took one of the two remaining make up midterms I had. When I finished (and it was a tough test), my professor asked me if I wanted her to grade it right then. In case you wondered, the correct answer to that question is no. No no no no. Which, of course, means that I said yes.

And I did okay, missed some here and there, but thought the total would be in the mid-B range. So when she told me that I got a 79, I lost it.

I cried. In front of my professor. She was understanding and more than anything else, really insisted that I be proud of myself. Proud for getting back on track and passing a tough test.

But I wasn’t.

I wasn’t proud because I’ve not gotten below a B on anything since my sophomore year of college. I always get As and Bs. And I studied for that test. I studied for a solid week. But my mind has not been on school. It has not been on anything for more than a few minutes before entering full-on pity party mode. I passed the test (and as it turned out, I actually got an 81, which I can live with) and was not proud.

I am trying to change the way I think about things. To not be so hard on myself, to not be so in my head and obsessed with all of this, but it’s a huge challenge. I have ALWAYS been a straight A student. Always. I got one C in my whole life, and it was in college and it was a fluke that I’ve mostly blocked out of my mind.

My classmates are stressed about finals (which begin tomorrow), but not only do I have one extra test to take (a remaining makeup midterm), but I also am hearing material from the first time. I’m taking an anatomy exam tomorrow after only having stood in the lab 2 out of 10 times in this particular unit.

I’ve missed 20 days of school, by FAR the most of anyone in my class. And I am trying, but I might not pass all my finals.

And that is a really difficult reality to face.

I’m scared, because I’ve worked so hard. I stuck with this when things got really tough. I didn’t quit when I wanted to, but now I’ve reached an end point. I want to continue with this program. I found my passion for it again, but now the odds are stacked against me.

I want nothing more than to finish this semester and be able to start up again with my classmates in January. I want it so much it almost hurts. And I’m trying, I truly am, to stay positive and have faith in myself, but I’m floundering.

I know that if I don’t pass this semester, I’m never going to get over it. It will always be something that happened because of my brain. It’ll be another thing stolen from me by my health and I just don’t know if I can handle that. there are only so many things that I can lose to pain before I give up altogether.

I wish I could see into the future. I wish I could know what’s going to happen next, to know if this week will be my last week of school until January, or my last ever.

I wish I had some reassurance that the future was going to be okay. That some day, I might have a life not dictated by pain, but by my own decisions and actions. My life.

6 Responses to “A collision of time and fear”