Get my feet back on the ground
I know you’re tired of hearing about my pain and worries and neuroses. I really do.
I know my real life friends are and I DEFINITELY know twitter is.
I’ve used this blog as my free therapy for a while now. For the past 120 pain filled days this has been where I turned to get it all out of my head. Where I have extracted the thoughts from my mind and tried to make sense of them. Where I have said the things I can’t say aloud, and admited the things that are sometimes too difficult to admit to anyone else.
I have used this blog in a way I probably shouldn’t. Deep down, I know that it’s not normal to be upset as often as I am. I know it’s not okay to always feel distraught. I know that hopelessness is not a good state of being. I know that what I’m doing now to try and deal with my life and emotions is not cutting it. I know.
I know I probably need to do something about it.
I just…
I can’t.
I don’t know why. I know I should, I know I need it, and deep down, I suspect it would help. But I still can’t bring myself to make that phone call. To tell a receptionist that I need to schedule an appointment with a therapist. To call and tell yet another person that something else is wrong with me.
To admit to not being normal again.
I encourage others to seek help when they feel the way I feel. When they feel like there’s no future that isn’t full of fear and pain and unhappiness. When they feel like there’s no way out. When they think about how much easier life might be if their plane crashed to the ground instead of safely delivering them back to a life that they can’t face. I don’t look down on anyone else for getting help.
But I hold myself to some ridiculous double standard. I can’t do it.
I want to be me again. I want to live a life without pain. I want to live a life without constant tears and breakdowns. I want to find joy in normal life and happiness in the life I have. I want to rejoice in small victories instead of worrying about the next battle.
But I just don’t know if I’m ready to take the steps that get me there.
I fear I might never be.
13 Responses to “Get my feet back on the ground”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 28 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I know what you mean. Our situations are different as far as the cause, but I can’t make myself do it either.
Recently one of my managers said that “lots of people have problems and they don’t need to talk about it like you do.”
Gee thanks. Now I’m more effed up. So now I think no one wants to hear unless I pay them. But that’s why I talk about it on my blog and Twitter. It’s free, and people can choose to listen or not. And as weird as it sounds, I know my true friends are there.
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All I can say is this:
I’ve never been in your exact position. But having been in the “hopeless” situation a few times before, I know this to be true: Help won’t help until you’re ready for it.
Until then, keep pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Put one foot in front of the other. Think about picking up the phone. Do some research on the kind of therapist you’d like. Be kind to yourself. Don’t force it.
At least, that’s what helps me.
You’re a beautiful person. Don’t forget it.
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U are one smart cookie, when u are ready to make that call, you will and u will conquer whatever this is! It’s okay to feel everything that u feel! I do hope though, that u can pull out of this and find comfort and happiness! U are beautiful and u are loved! Love from AZ, @1mcmommy
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You’re not abnormal, Katie. You’re overwhelmed. If you can get some peace by talking it out with someone, then do it.
If you’re abnormal for getting help if you need it, what do you call it when a person believes they need and want help and doesn’t reach out for it?
You twist yourself into such a tug of war with yourself knot that it becomes impossible to move. Just move, honey, and wait for your understanding to catch up with your action.
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It was hard when I did it, but remember, trying therapy does not mean you need therapy. That’s how I started the meds. “I’ll take this for six weeks, and it won’t do a thing, so I’ll just prove it and then they’ll see I am a Very Bad Person.” It is entirely possible you don’t need therapy. So try it.
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you should, you must, you need to help yourself, we need you to feel better, it really is worth it…we’ll be here.
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Can you be good to yourself? Can you let someone else help you carry the load or at least help you reposition the weight? If you can’t call a therapist, what about your rabbi?
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Chica, there is no normal. Not anywhere. Anyone. You know that.
I’m hoping you make that call soon, go see an objective third party. That’s all a good counselor is. They don’t fix you. They just see the stuff you’re too close to see. You know that, too. Do what’s right for you.
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Firstly, don’t feel bad about unloading on your blog. You have a blog to write about what YOU want to write about. If it helps you, then do it.
Secondly, admitting that you might need to go to a therapist or need other outside help is the first step toward doing it. My problems are NOTHING compared to you, but I had been having anxiety-type issues for months (really, when I look back, years), and my husband finally convinced me that I should go to the doctor about it. He gave me a prescription for Xanax to use when I start to feel anxious, and it’s worked wonders! I’m now thinking about looking into going to some sessions with a counselor. It was really hard for me to go to the doctor about my issues, but it really ended up helping me, my marriage and my job.
Just keep mulling it over, and I’m sure that soon it won’t feel so devastating. There’s nothing wrong with needing an impartial person to talk to and work with you, and it doesn’t make you “not normal.” I know you probably know that in your head, but it’s hard to reconcile with your emotions.
This is a long way of saying: think it over, talk it over with your husband, and hang in there!
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“When you have come to the edge Of all that you know And are about to drop off into the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will learn to fly”
Here’s hoping you find your wings.
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Lady, being whacked out is the new normal, this is your chance to be just like everyone else
You’re already acting on your need to unload via blog, so laying your issues on a professional who has the perspective, tools, and perhaps most importantly the desire to help you is just one more small step. From what it sounds like, you take very difficult steps every day so I know you can do this too!
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You are an incredibly strong person, Katie. I don’t know you, but can certainly see the strength you possess in spades.
A friend sat with me until I made the call. The reason for my desire to finish this life was different than yours. However, I was at the end, my toes were figurativly curled over the edge.
I am forever grateful for my friend, for her ability to read between the lines and see the truth about my situation. I am also grateful for the person I went to see. I saw him 3 times – it was enough.
If you feel you need to make the call, do it. Don’t look around for a sign…just do it.
You have been on the road no one would want to walk on. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, Katie.
A prayer is going up for you.
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I just want to tell you that it’s OKAY to not know. It’s OKAY to use this blog, Twitter, and whatever the hell else you want to let out how you’re feeling. You have every right to complain. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If people don’t want to read, they can find a new blog.
You also have every right to not know whether you want to see a therapist. I have lows all the time, and even though I advise everyone else to see one, I hate going to the therapist myself. It doesn’t work for me. And that’s OKAY.
I’m not saying it will or won’t work for you. I’m just saying that it’s okay to feel the way you feel, especially considering the surfaces. I encourage you to continue to reach out to others; it’s when you stop sharing how you’re feeling, how down you are, that you’re in trouble.
I’m here if you need me.
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