Buried Blessings
I’m going to be honest with you, as I lie flat on my back on my living room couch, in unfair amounts of pain, I’m having trouble being thankful.
It’s not that I don’t have much to be grateful for, because that’s not true. Even I’m not that self-involved. I am so blessed in so many areas of my life and for that I am endlessly thankful. I just feel like I’m only able to see these good things because of the myriad of bad. And I hate that. I want to be thankful for things, not in spite of others.
But I am thankful anyway.
I am thankful for my friends and most of my family. Because I’ve gotten to witness, even today, how crappy some people can be. And without the other good people in my life, I would not be able to get up in the morning.
I am thankful for my husband. Because he is the only thing keeping me from quitting everything in my life. Because he is the only sure thing I have right now.
I am thankful for my medical care. Because even with thousand dollar medical bills sitting on the table, and sore backs and spinal headaches from lumbar punctures, I know that without the doctors I have, I’d be nowhere (which, I know is actually NOT ANY DIFFERENT from here, but at least we’ve sort of ruled some things out now, right? RIGHT?) Because I know that others can’t get the medical care I can and they suffer for it.
I am thankful for the roof above my home, the couch under my back, the heat from my vents and the food I’ve over indulged in. Because I know others are without a home and the luxuries within it.
I am thankful for the internet. Because without you, I would be fighting so many battles alone, if I would even be fighting them at all. Because without many of you, I don’t know how if I could’ve come as far and survived as much as I have.
I don’t feel the way I have some past years. I don’t want to fall to my knees in thanksgiving for this year. I don’t feel like weeping with the gratitude over the things I have in my life or the great things that have happened. But I am clinging to the good for dear life. And I am trying to be thankful for the fact that in the midst of all the badness I can still find these blessings.
That in the midst of the darkest time in my life, I can still see that there are things worth living for.
Happy Thanksgiving.
9 Responses to “Buried Blessings”
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Welcome! I'm Katie, a 27 year old, full-time graduate student who just happened to have brain surgery in November of 2007 to give my ginormous brain a little more space. This blog chronicles my daily life, from relentless headaches to falling over in public to being a doctor's wife. Sit down, get comfortable and stay for a while.
I’m glad you can see the good through the darkness – if you couldn’t I’d be (more) worried.
I’ll continue to strive to be another sure thing in your life, if only to give DrSlappy a break every now & again to take his much-loved naps.
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You did well…in spite of everything.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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Sometimes clinging to the good is all you’ve got. I’m proud and thankful to know you.
You helped me through Katie’s toughest days, even if you don’t realize you did. So count me as a person who is grateful you are here!
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This was a lovely post.
Sweatpants aren’t P.J.’s right?!
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I’m having similar troubles. But I am so thankful for you. Not so much for your stupid spinal headache though.
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Hugs and love, and happy Thanksgiving.
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I don’t think you realize this, Katie, but amidst all the darkness that surrounds you and interrupts your life, YOU are still light. You may not feel like it. But we can see it. So, just know it. Darkness cannot survive in light. But the light WILL survive. Because it’s you.
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Thank YOU for being so honest and open about your health, both mental and physical. You have somehow made my own journey, which takes a very similar path as yours, more bearable.
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Hi Katie~I was wondering if you’ve heard of the headache disorder known as “Hemicrania Continua”? My sister in law was recently d/x with this after suffering from serious headaches for 3-4 months. She was put on the usual med prescribed for this and it has helped her so much!!
Look it up and see what you think.
Best wishes~Patti
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